Sunday, August 21, 2011

Steak, Shrimp and Pork 'n Beans

So the day after my last post, lover boy made me a freaking yummylicious steak dinner. He marinated it and cooked it in the frying pan. I don't know how you're supposed to cook steak but I like it the way he did it :) he also opened up (by stabbing with a pocket knife) a can of pork 'n beans (which aren't so yummy but it's still so sweet and funny). The steak really was very, very good. I think I could have eaten two, it was that yummy. Then the next day was pretty :P and yesterday after helping out with our church's "Back to School Blast" for the kids, I made him some "Baja Citrus" shrimp which were also very yummy but not nearly as citrus-y as i was expecting or hoping. But he says he liked it and it made me happy. Both days we went out into the backyard and ate in white plastic chairs at a green glass table and it was just so nice to make dinner for each other and not be arguing or staring at screens.
Of course, we had a fight today which left me bawling my eyes out and driving down back-roads and sitting in cemeteries by myself for a few hours, but we worked it out and I don't really care what it takes on my part to make this work out, but it will. I Love him and I know (I KNOW even though some days I don't feel like it) that deep down, he Loves me. I'm not going to lose that. I don't know how to fix everything but who cares? I don't have to fix everything; I don't expect him to fix everything. All I know is that being with him is more important than any argument we could ever have. Yes, everybody fights; yes, I know we're going to fight; no, I am not going to let any fighting come between us. This is the man that God made for me and I for him and I will not give that up just to "win" a fight. People think relationships are 50-50. No. That doesn't even make sense. Relationships are 100-100. You have to give your all, even when the other person can't. And when you can't, the other person will be there saying "you did it for me, now I'm here for you still giving my 100% to you."
So I'm staying at my teacher's place for a few days, so I can go to campus to work before I move back in.I'm so scared of moving back in. I mean I LOVE college, I just HATE being alone, and when I'm on campus, except for B., I'm always alone. I don't have alot....ok I have two friends. Only one of which I can really count on and I don't begrudge the other one that. But even when I'm in class with people its not the same. But when I'm really alone, in my room by myself, I just get so insanely depressed. And I mean, I've been through the depths of real depression and no, every time I'm by myself I do not plummet into clinical depression, but I get SO MISERABLE. I just can't focus on anything, I cry all the time, I can't sleep, I eat too much (when I have time to eat) and I do my best to distract myself by staring at a computer screen even though I don't do anything productive. I'm not afraid of being alone I just HATE it; I AM afraid of getting depressed when I'm alone too much. I just don't know what to do about any of it.
AND NOBODY COMMENT AND SAY "JOIN A CLUB OR ACTIVITY" If you do my sister's boyfriend will get paid alot of money to find you online and send a myriad of viruses to your computer. No offense. I'm just really emotionally unstable. It's been, without a doubt and actually not exaggerating, the worst week of my life. And I've had some doozies. I've cried at least 3 times EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I never cry. I think the last time I cried before this week was when my dog died. I just don't do it. I mean I want to sometimes, but I just don't. It gives me a headache and I'm not used to it. I hardly ever cried in high school, when I was actually dealing with the freaking depression. And yet this week I've probably cried more than the standard quota of tears to be shed on a soap opera in a year. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm too tired, emotionally drained and just sad to be optimistic. I'm losing all my determination (and if you know me that's like saying "Oh the sun? Yah one day it just suddenly lost all it's light." That doesn't just happen. But it is. I'm just so tired.
But still, those last two paragraphs have nothing to do with my relationship. 100-100. It's easier typed than done but I'm going to do it. Period. Because I Love him.

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