The Week in a Nutshell (or a bullet shell)

That's kind of a pun. I can do this.
It's basically a "fuck the world" kind of day. And I plan on continuing that theme until Spring Break. I turned in my stupid paper, got an A on one of my midterms, turned in my other stupid paper, took (I have no idea, nor do I really care, what I got on) my COMS midterm and I felt sooo relaxed. BUT I have another midterm tomorrow (History, burn in hell! Or no; just this guy's exams), another crazy assignment coming up, a few photo-shoots this week that popped up that I wasn't expecting, and yet ANOTHER English midterm. But I REFUSE to get stressed again. I ran my fingers through my hair this morning and out came a chunk that would make a chemo patient stare. I freaked out. But let's just summarize the week (because lists make everything feel better):
Monday: AWESOME. There was a sweet girl who gave me a scantron and there was free coffee. COMS Midterm is DONE.
Tuesday: Meh.Turned in both of my "stressed me the hell out" papers. Shot at some paper targets. My shooting was alot less straight today because a) you shouldn't shoot in heels and b) I was really grouchy and couldn't keep my hands from shaking.
Wednesday: Gotta do soem work on Thomas More's Utopia, gotta critique some creative writing, gotta take a History midterm.
Thursday: World Lit midterm, gotta read some crap for Lit. Theory. Gonna work on my crazy weird, annotated bib. assignment (FIFTEEN SOURCES FOR A FAKE PAPER! WHAT?!)
Friday: Null. HAHAHAHA! Freedom. MIGHT go to the gun store.....?

Anyway, I'm working on a partially fabricated life piece for writing which is, of course, about the biological. I have no idea what I'm doing. But like I said, fuck the world, I refuse to stress. I hope this will help me move past it though.

Anyhoo, I hope all you guys are having a good week too. And if you're not, I'm really sorry :( I hope you find a reason to smile. In fact......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................maybe you'll find something here.

3 in 1

How can I have this many meltdowns in less than a quarter or an hour?

History Repeating Itself

How cliche of me. I'm very disappointed. I miss the days of my good, punny post titles.

But that's the saying right? That history repeats itself. I thought it was only supposed to happen ever fifty years?
But I guess since the history of mankind is so long, one year is close enough for the life of an individual right?

How long til this crap goes away?
Oh, if you're wondering why I'm not cussing my guts out for a while, I gave up cussing (and fastfood and soda and facebook) for lent. How freaking ironic right? I'm not only not Catholic, I'm technically an agnostic now. Albeit an empirical one. Wow. A public declaration. I'll admit I'm always leaning toward the hope that Christianity is true, but in a tiny little way, I'm not. Anyway, if you care about that part of me, read the other blog.

Moving on.
I'm tired of feeling like this. It colors everything I do orange.
Yes, orange. I don't really want to get into that right now but I'm sure I will later anyway. *sarcasm* I'm sure the suspense is killing everybody. -_-'

Has anyone else noticed how in need we are of a sarcasm font? Really? Of all the people who work with typography, why do we not have that yet?

And I just can't tell if I'm reacting to things because that's how a normal person would react (or how I, at least, would normally react) or if this repetitive era is just putting me way too on edge.

Maybe...
Nevermind.

I feel like if I graphed my "moods" over the last six years, it would look like the stock market. In 1929.

Have I mentioned how much I hate my biological?
And since I'm blaming everything on her--like it's useful, productive, or in anyway not b!tchy--let's just all assume she's a Nazi too. Now everybody hates her as much as I do and I feel a little better.

That's stupid.
A. Nazi's are way suckier than my mother. So nobody freak out and act like I'm making light of the holocaust. I can hear it now: "Blogger is anti-semantic!" Holy crap. Because anything a "white" person says is racist and everybody else can just say whatever the heck they want to. I'll go dip myself in butter and cocoa powder and then I can say anything I want.
Anyway, it's my blog so if you want to get pissy, screw off. Otherwise, congratulations! You're one of the few who know how to not take everything seriously and personally because you realize the whole freaking world doesn't revolve around you. Great job.
B. I can't blame her for everything. In fact, I can't blame her for anything. Not really. I mean in a way, sure I can; it's her fault. But, theoretically, I could just move on right?

Forget it. She's a Nazi.

Things Are Getting...

Because they always have to get worse before they get better right?

I think I'm making a decision right now. I think.
I think that by the end of the term, if I can't get my junk together, that I'm going to take my money out of the bank, get in my car and actually drive it. And I have no idea where the heck I'm going to drive to. Or maybe I'll get in an empty train car. I've always wanted to do that. Then, when I get tired of being where I end up, then I can just call somebody and get picked up. Of course, everyone is going to wanted to kill me but what's the big deal about that?

I'm EVOLVING folks!

And I'll tell you what; I'm developing some crappy habits.
I've been procrastinating on my work so much lately that it's all been shit. I turn it all in at the last possible second.
I mean if that's how you do things, cool. That's how you are. But it's not how I am. I just cannot make myself focus on anything worth a crap anymore.
I mean come on.
The only thing I have accomplished in the last few days is watching every episode of My Drunk Kitchen. Which you should look up on youtube because its fucking awesome and I love it. I hate wine. I don't like booze at all but I want to drink with this woman.
That would keep me from writing my paper too.
In fact that's what I'm doing now.
Time to get off the internet.
Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiit.
My Drunk Kitchen
You're welcome.

Post Script

I can't have a window box because the screen won't come out of the window. I mean I suppose I could break it, but I don't want to pay for that.

Today at the Park

It was intended to be a good day.
You know those days where you have a positive attitude and nothing gets you down but all of a sudden, the ONE thing that should not have happened happens?
Almost all day, I could just feel myself shutting down, one bit at a time.
I don't want to give up again.
And I know that this is one of those defining moments.
I mean... this crash landing will be a hell of a lot worse than the first one if I can't get myself out of this hole.
I just don't know how this is going to end at this point.
I think maybe I just need to prepare myself for it, either way.

How do you prepare for that?

It wasn't all bad. I'm not being a Negatron. I just wish the rain would stop falling on my parade. I wish I had something to hold me up. The guy who should be holding me up right now, well I mean in a way he's doing the best he can because he doesn't completely understand because I just can't make myself tell him. But at the same time, he's NOT doing the best he can. It's like no matter how hard I try to open up, he just can't let me. He can't let me spill my guts and it just be about ME, just ONE TIME. He can't just listen to me and hold me and promise me that he'll do whatever it takes to get rid of all this garbage in my life. It's not like I expect him to be able to do that, but trying or at least wanting to would help.
He says I should trust him. But how can I? On top of the fact that my biological bitch is turning my mind upside down and that my stress level is making me pretty much ruin my own life, there is SOME FUCKING GIRL every single week. Do I think he's sleeping with these girls? No. But do I think something is going on that shouldn't be? Absolutely yes. I mean no, it's not like there's some girl walking out of his bedroom or something; it's just that for some fucked up reason, these tricks just seem to want to walk up to me and be like "Hey, guess what. You're boyfriend, you know, your only fucking security, the only person you ever trusted completely and have been through both of your personal hells with over the last four and a half years, that guy? Yah, he's fucking me."
Ok, one: I know that's not true. I absolutely know that.
But for some reason, I'm just easy to leave. And I don't trust anybody. And I did trust him. But that night, that one fucking night... And every time one of those girls starts talking her shit, I go there. I can't help it. All those memories that I shove into that secret vault inside me just fly out. Every. Fucking. Time.
And you'd think I would be used to it. But I don't think I'll ever be.
I used to be able to love people who hurt me. I used to able to just keep on loving them and loving them and loving them. What they did just did not affect me loving them. I may have thought very badly of their choices and even told them so and even disliked them. But I could--did--love them.
I don't do that anymore. I think I just got turned around at some point. But I miss being able to do that. I can't even make myself trust the people I know and love the most.
I feel like I'm falling off a cliff. And I just. Can't. Stop.

I Need Flowers

And not just the kind in bouquets (although, if LoverBoy wanted to give me some, I would love that, cough cough).
I miss gardening. The one I had at home has been left without my care for so long while I'm at school that it's a complete mess. One of my flowers is almost as tall as the dwarf tree next to it. I don't think I can have a window box on my window here.... It would be sooooo nice, but probably a safety hazard since I'm three floors up and above a landing. Damn.
I think I might do it anyway.
I wish I could garden our lower quad. It's a mess. Completely trashed and nobody even cares. SO MUCH GARBAGE AND EMPTY GRASS! SO MUCH POTENTIAL! I suppose I could pay $10 and get a plot at the community garden down the street but they don't let you grow flowers, just veggies. And I want somewhere I can sit. And read. And pretend I'm not single-handedly ruining my own life by letting that crazy bitch biological of mine get to me so much.
I need flowers. I'm jealous of this awesome home and garden blog that I read almost religiously. It's awesome, you should check it out, by the way, if you like things like that.
I think I'm going to buy the window box and fix it up anyway. The University can screw off.