Friday, February 3, 2012

Today at the Park

It was intended to be a good day.
You know those days where you have a positive attitude and nothing gets you down but all of a sudden, the ONE thing that should not have happened happens?
Almost all day, I could just feel myself shutting down, one bit at a time.
I don't want to give up again.
And I know that this is one of those defining moments.
I mean... this crash landing will be a hell of a lot worse than the first one if I can't get myself out of this hole.
I just don't know how this is going to end at this point.
I think maybe I just need to prepare myself for it, either way.

How do you prepare for that?

It wasn't all bad. I'm not being a Negatron. I just wish the rain would stop falling on my parade. I wish I had something to hold me up. The guy who should be holding me up right now, well I mean in a way he's doing the best he can because he doesn't completely understand because I just can't make myself tell him. But at the same time, he's NOT doing the best he can. It's like no matter how hard I try to open up, he just can't let me. He can't let me spill my guts and it just be about ME, just ONE TIME. He can't just listen to me and hold me and promise me that he'll do whatever it takes to get rid of all this garbage in my life. It's not like I expect him to be able to do that, but trying or at least wanting to would help.
He says I should trust him. But how can I? On top of the fact that my biological bitch is turning my mind upside down and that my stress level is making me pretty much ruin my own life, there is SOME FUCKING GIRL every single week. Do I think he's sleeping with these girls? No. But do I think something is going on that shouldn't be? Absolutely yes. I mean no, it's not like there's some girl walking out of his bedroom or something; it's just that for some fucked up reason, these tricks just seem to want to walk up to me and be like "Hey, guess what. You're boyfriend, you know, your only fucking security, the only person you ever trusted completely and have been through both of your personal hells with over the last four and a half years, that guy? Yah, he's fucking me."
Ok, one: I know that's not true. I absolutely know that.
But for some reason, I'm just easy to leave. And I don't trust anybody. And I did trust him. But that night, that one fucking night... And every time one of those girls starts talking her shit, I go there. I can't help it. All those memories that I shove into that secret vault inside me just fly out. Every. Fucking. Time.
And you'd think I would be used to it. But I don't think I'll ever be.
I used to be able to love people who hurt me. I used to able to just keep on loving them and loving them and loving them. What they did just did not affect me loving them. I may have thought very badly of their choices and even told them so and even disliked them. But I could--did--love them.
I don't do that anymore. I think I just got turned around at some point. But I miss being able to do that. I can't even make myself trust the people I know and love the most.
I feel like I'm falling off a cliff. And I just. Can't. Stop.

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