Wednesday, August 31, 2011

We've Got Hawaii

So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY.  Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Bi-polar and Other Disorders I Discovered I Have

So I found out today that when I went to that jerk faced doctor a couple years ago, I was right! I was not making up that pain in my chest! I had NO NEED WHATSOEVER for the stupid pregnancy test he gave me! I was having (am still having...) panic attacks. SO THERE MEAN DOCTOR! I WAS NOT MAKING IT UP!  And the bi-polar thing, I'm not that, never thought I was, just is a good description of my day. I got to work out. Freaking yay! I missed the gym soooo much. So I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Let me tell you guy: screw losing weight and screw looking good when you're sweaty or whatever it is. Go to the gym and once you get the hang of it you will feel so much better every single day. I released SO MUCH stress and tension and bad feelings and anger and sadness. The gym is a wonderful thing people.
I'll tell you what I do miss though: my lover boy. I do.
I just want to, dare I say it, cuddle. I want to cuddle him to near death.
But I'll see him soon.
Oh, and NEVER call tech support for a problem. I did today. Big mistake. Tomorrow I shall provide links to all the Foamy the Squirrel Tech Support Cartoons and you shall love them!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Sex and Other Topics of Conversation

First of all (and ironically enough) I went to church with teach, sis and one man geek squad and as much as the latter two annoyed me with their constant talking, I enjoyed it. It was nice to be a part of community. Especially a part of one that doesn't insist on acting like I'm less important than she is even though I do twice as much. But whatever. The best thing about it, however, was not their innocence but the fact that it was completely Biblical based. The man said nothing that I could not see right before my very eyes right as he was saying it. It was wonderful and full of truth and everyone was very nice and I'm going back tonight.
In other news, my sister/roommate and her one man geek squad boyfriend are pissing me off. Excuse my language please I beg you but I want to just turn around and say "You. Shut the fuck up and if you can't stop screwing around then get a hotel room or go sit in your car but stop screwing around on our closet and playing your obnoxiously played music at night and keeping me awake as if the sound of your computer speakers will cover the sounds of your pathetic sex life. Shut. The fuck. Up. And stop freaking coming in here every day. I get that you don't want to be at home all the time but guess what neither did we so you wanna know what we did? We worked our tails off and got enough money to freaking live on campus and if you would get out of your freaking parents' house then that would solve everybody's problems: you could both go screw off in your room."
Seriously, I profusely apologize for the horrible dirty language but oh my gosh they are so annoying. I'm seriously contemplating killing them and burying them in the flower beds outside. Ok not really but holy freaking crap.
Is this addressed anywhere in The Naked Roommate? I'm not reading that whole thing for this because honestly, it won't shut these two up. They apparently argued with another couple (that they're friends with) because sis and O.M.G.S. thought they were too annoying with the all over each other puppy love. I was like......yaaaaaaah.
Now he's just finished reorganizing her side of the room (that is, after they actually got off the freaking bed. Did I mention it was like 3 PM?!) and he says "I can do your side if you like." First of all, that is OUR desk, not HER desk or YOUR desk and if you messed something up I am going to change it and second of all BAD WORD NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TOUCHING MY STUFF. You already unplugged my alarm clock for goodness knows WHAT reason and you brought your stinking TV the other day. And the music I'm trying to play to drown out the sound of them talking keeps stopping because our internet is being a crack head.

I'm trying not to be a hypocritical jerk by saying bad words about them and then talking about how I'm happy to be able to go to church. And I know that I am. But I dare you to spend as much time with them as I have the last few days. And don't a single one of you mothercussers say "Well just go somewhere else, you don't have to be in there." OK IT'S MY ROOM TOO AND I HAVE JUST AS MUCH OF A RIGHT TO BE IN HERE AS SHE DOES AND MUCH MORE SO THAN HE DOES. ITS MY ROOM, ITS MY FREAKING PLACE OF REFUGE AND SHELTER AND THEY ARE TURNING IT INTO AN ANNOYING WHORE HOUSE AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED CLASSES YET!!

I'm going to try to amuse myself....possibly by being a jackwagon and reorganizing the desk back to the way we had it before genius over here decided to screw around not with just her stuff but with my stuff too.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


First off thanks to B. for introducing me to this song. It's on my "when I get pissed, I like to listen to these" playlist.

So basically, I don't know what's going on with me. And if any of you mothercussers say puberty, I'll hunt you down and feed you to Foamy the Squirrel. Seriously, I will. I will sacrifice you to the Foamy Cult.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I had this History class and one whole wall of the room was windows. I got A's on everything and my teacher loved me. The problem was, I was the most inattentive student he'd EVER had. I was past the doom and gloom early stages of depression and rushing head on into suicide contemplation on a daily basis. This was WAY before I was actually brave enough to tackle an attempt. But back to the windows. Before my teacher realized I would probably pay more attention if the blinds were down, I looked out those windows every day. Out in the distance, past the building, the school yard and that stinking road, there were so many trees. And no matter how hard I tried to look away and pay attention in class, I couldn't. I couldn't because every time I looked out those windows I saw myself, falling from the tops of every single tree. I would see myself on a limb, cowering at the height, then I would stand up straight and throw my arms out to my sides like I was being crucified and I would let myself fall backwards. I could see myself, from the classroom, just slowly falling through the air and I would pray that there was someone out there, under that tree, who could catch me. Who would catch me.
I looked out my dorm window today. I looked past the campus buildings and the water tower, and past the trees too, this time. I saw the fuzzy blue green outline of forest on the horizon and, again, I saw myself. I saw myself standing on the water tower and I was proud. I was strong. I was invincible and unafraid. And I saw myself in the air, over the horizon of trees, flying away. I was going where I wanted to. It was undisputed freedom. I can imagine that perhaps I flipped off a few people as I flew. It's not about what kind of day I've had. As far as that goes, my mood and circumstances certainly haven't been the best, though not the worst either.
I don't want to go back to the person I was in high school. And I certainly don't want to go back to the docile, doe-eyed moron I was before high school. But this girl, this girl who seems to be taking me over. I don't know her. She freaks me out. She's angry and rebellious and let me tell you, she loves to cuss people out. I hate her. I love her. She's free. But I won't let her out. I'm not so much worried about what people think as I am about this: Do I WANT to be this chic? Do I really? Am I willing to sacrifice who I think I might be right now for who I might be if I just let myself act the way she wants me to? I know it sounds like I have a split personality disorder but that's not what I mean... I'm sane, I'm just changing. And I don't know if I like it.
Take this moment for example.
What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, straightening up, preparing for class Monday and trying to avoid the jerk in my neighbors room. I'm verifying my feelings by listening to angry music and allowing myself the luxury of a cuss word about every 15 minutes. I also ate all of our chocolate cookies.
Want to know what I think I'd like to do? And the way I'd like to describe what I'd like to do? I'm putting this in quotes because its almost like I'm not even the one speaking anymore. Here goes: "I wanna get the hell out of here and go act like a diva or something. I wanna just get out of this stinking room and relish in the fact that I'm alone today and act like I own the f-ing world and all you jerks in it. I want to put on something sexy and walk outside and flip people the bird and maybe try a cigarette just for the hell of it and put my angry music on my ipod and listen to it all afternoon. I want to go hang a hammock in a tree on the quad and sing loudly and piss off all the people who hate my guts because dammit I hate their guts too!"
You see what I mean?? That is not me! I want that to be me and if I would just chill and let myself loosen up, that would be me. But I'm afraid to act like that. I'm afraid to lose my quiet, nice, smart self just because I'm mad or whatever I am. I'm afraid to grieve God. I'm not even afraid of that I just don't want to do it. I Love Him. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't have my life together, but I don't want to make it worse!
I wish I had wings.
And for those of you with an angry, rebellious streak, here's B.'s awesome song that he gave me. Enjoy.
And for those of you with angry, rebellious streaks, here are some songs on the list:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times already, but what the hell right?
Uncut Version, Just FYI
And just for the pure funny-ness of it: The "Happy" Song

Squishy Window Stickers

Sometimes, I just want to be transparent so then at least someone, ANYONE, will understand me. But then I ask myself, so why don't you, if you need that so much? Well I just realized this morning that if I do that, then people (a few people in particular and one person in ''more'' particular) might not care. When no one knows what I'm feeling, I can chalk up the fact that no one seems to care to the fact that they simply may not know. If they know but don't care...I'm not strong enough for that.
I never realized that I was so fragile. I feel like a tiny porcelain doll, sitting on the edge of a shelf.
What if I fall?
I've been through a lot of things, a bad word of a lot. I've been abandoned by my biological parents over and over and over again. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally. I looked depression in the face and threw dirt in his eyes. He's chasing after me still but he's not the ball and chain he used to be. I can, GENERALLY, fend him off with a stick. Through all that and more, I developed a strength. I'm strong! I am.
Aren't I? Or do I repress more than I think I do? I just don't understand this feeling... I don't know how to handle being so fragile, so breakable. Is it safe for me to go outside and face ANYTHING? What's my limit? I could handle anything a year ago. I could look it in the face and if I needed to hide later, I could, under my covers or in my closet like a small child.
Maybe I've been this way all along and I just didn't know. I've cried so often. I cry at the slightest thing. Its like my triggers aren't even the triggers anymore, rather, things that simply REMIND me of the triggers set me off. How can I face the world like this? It's no longer just my chronic anxiety; this is full-scale break-ability. I have no idea what to do with it.
All that made me think of the squishy window stickers on my dorm window. They are transparent, so the light shines through, but they are tinted all these beautiful colors and no matter which way you look at them, even though you can see through them, you look AT THEM, not through them and you want to keep looking at them because they're beautiful. I wish I was a window sticker. If they fall off the pane, they don't break.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Unorganized, Nonconstructive CHAOS

So we sallied up and moved in and it has been war, WAR I TELL YOU, all day long. wow. sigh. This place is a mess and I've only been here a few hours but it will be ok. We'll clean later. After we decorate. In a way I'm glad to be back. In a way I'm so dreading that fact that my tummy is in knots. Lover boy helped me move in and get semi-situated and calm and then went off to work and sis and her one man geek squad went to ration supplies. Ok he's not ALWAYS a one man geek squad. We just have issues. And one of my issues is when he walks past the car without saying anything, drives away and come to find out he's parked across the street from the building and I had to walk the entire way and guess what I'm carrying? TWO DUFFEL BAGS. And guess what he's carrying? A TEDDY BEAR, A BEAN BAG, AND A CORK BOARD. And I could have killed him if I'd had laser beam vision. But whatever. I'm over it now cuz he parked my car for me. So yah. Now I've practically given up trying to straighten/clean/decorate/move in since it seems to be a futile effort and I have til Monday anyway. I think I might take a nap.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Still Wishing I had Tulips, But at least I'm Losing my Bleeding Heart

Bad puns, I know. But I love my craptastic puns. So me and my teacher and her husband made fried green tomatoes and baked tomatoes and squash and we've been boiling some peanuts for about 4 hours now... But they are gonna be GOOD when they are done. Hooray for Mr. R!! :)
So, me and my guy didn't see each other today but we talked a little throughout the day and it was nice. It was reassuring. I think my boss knows that something is up with me; he had a PR meeting today that he didn't go to. I don't know how he knows but he knows I don't like to be alone. I remember one week he had to be gone all week and I was in the office by myself every day and that's ok it's just a few hours a day and I can handle most stuff that comes in by myself but I guess he just knew that wasn't a great week for me. It was like he even felt BAD that he'd had to leave me alone for a little while. Its funny. I mean I can handle a few hours a day sitting in the office, so I don't know why he felt that way but he seemed to be really sorry about it. But anyway he didn't go to his PR meeting (which would have lasted from 9 til like 4:30).
I think I did really well the few times people came in when he wasn't there. I was social and cheery and made conversation, which is great for our PR but just weird for me; I hate being alone but I'm about as social-butterfly-ish as a worm. Not a caterpillar, a worm. By the way, did you know a caterpillar has 228 separate muscles just in its head? Don't even ask me why I know that. But now if you're ever on jeopardy, maybe that will your million dollar question and you'll get it right. :)
And now, while we're waiting two more hours on the boiled peanuts, we're watching Anger Management. Let me warn you, if your having a boiled peanuts craving, just buy a can if the produce stand isn't open.
I should change the name of this post to "I still don't have my tulips and I don't have peanuts either." But I can't because if I do then my crappy puns will make even less sense.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Steak, Shrimp and Pork 'n Beans

So the day after my last post, lover boy made me a freaking yummylicious steak dinner. He marinated it and cooked it in the frying pan. I don't know how you're supposed to cook steak but I like it the way he did it :) he also opened up (by stabbing with a pocket knife) a can of pork 'n beans (which aren't so yummy but it's still so sweet and funny). The steak really was very, very good. I think I could have eaten two, it was that yummy. Then the next day was pretty :P and yesterday after helping out with our church's "Back to School Blast" for the kids, I made him some "Baja Citrus" shrimp which were also very yummy but not nearly as citrus-y as i was expecting or hoping. But he says he liked it and it made me happy. Both days we went out into the backyard and ate in white plastic chairs at a green glass table and it was just so nice to make dinner for each other and not be arguing or staring at screens.
Of course, we had a fight today which left me bawling my eyes out and driving down back-roads and sitting in cemeteries by myself for a few hours, but we worked it out and I don't really care what it takes on my part to make this work out, but it will. I Love him and I know (I KNOW even though some days I don't feel like it) that deep down, he Loves me. I'm not going to lose that. I don't know how to fix everything but who cares? I don't have to fix everything; I don't expect him to fix everything. All I know is that being with him is more important than any argument we could ever have. Yes, everybody fights; yes, I know we're going to fight; no, I am not going to let any fighting come between us. This is the man that God made for me and I for him and I will not give that up just to "win" a fight. People think relationships are 50-50. No. That doesn't even make sense. Relationships are 100-100. You have to give your all, even when the other person can't. And when you can't, the other person will be there saying "you did it for me, now I'm here for you still giving my 100% to you."
So I'm staying at my teacher's place for a few days, so I can go to campus to work before I move back in.I'm so scared of moving back in. I mean I LOVE college, I just HATE being alone, and when I'm on campus, except for B., I'm always alone. I don't have alot....ok I have two friends. Only one of which I can really count on and I don't begrudge the other one that. But even when I'm in class with people its not the same. But when I'm really alone, in my room by myself, I just get so insanely depressed. And I mean, I've been through the depths of real depression and no, every time I'm by myself I do not plummet into clinical depression, but I get SO MISERABLE. I just can't focus on anything, I cry all the time, I can't sleep, I eat too much (when I have time to eat) and I do my best to distract myself by staring at a computer screen even though I don't do anything productive. I'm not afraid of being alone I just HATE it; I AM afraid of getting depressed when I'm alone too much. I just don't know what to do about any of it.
AND NOBODY COMMENT AND SAY "JOIN A CLUB OR ACTIVITY" If you do my sister's boyfriend will get paid alot of money to find you online and send a myriad of viruses to your computer. No offense. I'm just really emotionally unstable. It's been, without a doubt and actually not exaggerating, the worst week of my life. And I've had some doozies. I've cried at least 3 times EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I never cry. I think the last time I cried before this week was when my dog died. I just don't do it. I mean I want to sometimes, but I just don't. It gives me a headache and I'm not used to it. I hardly ever cried in high school, when I was actually dealing with the freaking depression. And yet this week I've probably cried more than the standard quota of tears to be shed on a soap opera in a year. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm too tired, emotionally drained and just sad to be optimistic. I'm losing all my determination (and if you know me that's like saying "Oh the sun? Yah one day it just suddenly lost all it's light." That doesn't just happen. But it is. I'm just so tired.
But still, those last two paragraphs have nothing to do with my relationship. 100-100. It's easier typed than done but I'm going to do it. Period. Because I Love him.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Reflections on TRUUUUE LOOOVE. sigh. (And a shout-out. Heee-eeey :D)

So real quick: Checked my audience stats yesterday and saw that at this point, only ONE person has read a single thing I've written (if that). AWWWWW. BUT, that one person is apparently from Germany. OOOOOOH. So, I don't know if you will be returning, Person From Germany, but if you do: Hi! Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not "technically" talking to myself on this thing. You. Are. Awesome! Come back anytime and there will be a coupon waiting for you (ok that's just a lame joke, I don't have any coupons, and I don't know why you would need a coupon for a blog but whatever).

Ok now for my "Reflections on TRUUUE LOOOVE. sigh.". Well, seriously it's not a relationship thing or a mushy gushy load of crap. It's actually about love.

First, I feel the need to explain my "religion." After this, I will try to not call it that though. So, I am a Christian. (And the guy in back row goes "oh that's just frikin great".) Well, it is. But I do not like to call myself a Christian. The word has completely lost it's meaning. My best friend, B., called Christianity "The World's Biggest Book Group" and he is soooo right, at least as far as "civilized society" is concerned. If you are unfamiliar with the dynamics of REAL Christianity, the Biblical, unspoiled, un-'civilized', one and only true version of it, I encourage you to read the four gospels of the Bible: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as well as the book of Acts. It's not exactly light reading but it's worth it. And if you are completely anti-Bible reader, try Voice of the Martyrs, an extremely short magazine. If you still are very averse to reading of any kind, do some research or actually visit places in the world where my "religion" is illegal. You have 58 countries to choose from. I am not a Christian. I am a Follower of Jesus.
I am most certainly not a perfect Follower.

Here is exhibit A:
As a Follower of Jesus, I should Love everyone through the power, grace and Love of God himself. Very often, I find that I am not very good at it, nor do I always want to improve my skills in this area. I'm not being a horrible person, I'm being an honest person. Anyone, religious or not, will tell you that they have problems loving everyone.
I don't mean everyone as in a vague, distant population of a variety of people who live out in the world...somewhere, doing...something. What I mean are those people who you have "reason" to not like. At all. Here are my first few example of people I find it hard to Love (*I ask that no one take offense to this list if you are on it; you have people on your list, I may even be one of them and if we ever actually met, both of us would probably like each other quite a bit):
  • Rich Kids with Stories
    • I don't like it when people get every single thing they want and still think they have a reason to complain. Yes, deep down I know that EVERYONE is facing some kind of battle, but I despise the idea that a person can have everything and then I am forced to give them something I can with-hold from them out of spite, like sympathy or love.
  • Rich Kids, PERIOD
    • I have a cousin, who is stinking loaded and does not have a story. She is tall, thin, gorgeous, smart, likable and RICH. She has every single material thing she has ever wanted and her waiting period for said things has never been longer than the shipping time. Why people like this are allowed to exist, especially to be related to me, I don't understand. And it just makes me madder that to be such close relatives, not only do I look nothing like her, not only did my side of the family manage to not be in the same fancy-schmancy boat as hers, but her family is cheap and uppity and got my mom, FOR HER BIRTHDAY, a set of dish towels from FRED'S for $4.99.
  • Asian Women
    • This one sounds weird....I suppose because it is. But I have only ever liked one Asian woman that I didn't know and in all honesty I certainly do not go out of my way to make friends with women of oriental descent. Why? Because my boyfriend loves them. I don't understand why these dumb guys are all so taken with dis-proportionate anime cartoons but if you want to make your girlfriend's self-esteem drop lower than it already was, make it clear to her that if you could screw an Asian lady, you would without a second thought. See how she reacts when the two of you walk past the ideal Japanese girl in the supermarket.
  • Evangelicals Who Don't Like Evangelicals
    • You are, let's say for the example, a Muslim who is doing what you believe to be a good thing by bringing people to your religion. You truly believe that you are saving people. The...I don't know, the Jehovah's Witness next door to you truly believes that by going around and knocking on doors, she is saving people. She is angry with you for "pulling people into the darkness," she says. She wants the freedom to evangelize but doesn't want you to do it at all. Now there are a few levels to this but here's a basic rundown that makes us all a little less likely to despise people like this.
      • This woman is genuinely concerned about people and truly believes she is doing what is best for them. You can't hate people who attempt to help others, even if their attempts are mis-guided.
      • She considers you to be a threat. If people have a choice (believe in your god or hers), statistically, she will lose some people because you are sharing your beliefs too. She doesn't want YOUR misguided attempts to defeat HER misguided attempts. *Please don't take offense to the dramatization if you are a Muslin or a Jehovah's Witness.
    • Now, I don't like people who are mean to me because of my religion but want to spread theirs to the ends of the earth. Its not right. I am a Follower of Christ and as such I am called by Him to tell people about Him. And I will, whether you like it or not. But I will never tell you that even though I think you're wrong, you're not allowed to tell people about your beliefs too. Not ok. What you think and believe in is important and I wouldn't be a jerk like that. But anytime you want to have a rational, constructive, thought-provoking discussion (NOT AN AIR-HEADED STUBBORN ARGUMENT) I would absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk with you about our differing beliefs and yes, be fore-warned, I will try to convince you of mine just as hard as you will [perhaps secretly] be trying to convince me of yours. I like questions that challenge my faith because they give me reason to think and validate the reasons I have to believe the way I do, just as, hopefully, you appreciate challenging questions. But also be warned, I will not be ashamed if I don't know all the answers. I'm still learning and even if I learned all I could, I couldn't ever know everything about God. And you can't either so I don't expect you to have all the answers, and if you "do" then I will seriously question your integrity as well as your belief system. I think about your questions after our discussion is over, just as I would hope you would as well.

Now, I'm not telling you all this just to show you what a lousy Follower I am or to make myself look like a jerk. I just want to be real and you should be real too. PERSONALLY, I don't have a problem with any of the people on this list (except my cousin's family...two houses, four cars and you get your mother a pack of cheap dish towels), but overall, I have a problem accepting these people. It's just something I'm working on, something that I think we should all think about in a very honest, real way and work on. So I hope nobody reads this and gets mad at me and tries to get revenge or anything, but I do hope you take it to heart and think about your list.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"CAC is a contributing factor to the technophilia overload in your relationship" says a recent study....

Ok I know that's not fair. I'm not REALLY saying "My guy is in the army and should ditch all his responsibilities to spend time with me." I'm not. All I'm saying is does it have to be ALL THE TIME that we just have--HAVE--to get something done? Can we not have one day, JUST ONE DAY, where we don't argue and we actually turn off the phones and leave the computers alone and ignore family members. Just for a day?

I mean I'm so proud of him. Really I am. Not everybody gets a guy even close to mine. But this week was supposed to be about us. I worked extra so I could take off and he wasn't supposed to have to work (THANK YOU SO FRIKIN MUCH ASHLEY) and we were supposed to spend time together and actually be invovled with each other and not just be online in the same room....

hang on. ill be back.....

Anyway. My plan completely failed. There was no hot chocolate, it didn't rain, I turned off my phone VERY NON-SUBTLEY, he didn't want to share the giant blanket and through the course of three movies, THREE FOLKS, he would hardly touch me at all. No matter how much I hugged up to him. Our just ended conversation was:

Me: You're not going to make me leave as soon as this is over are you?
Him: No. What do you want to do?
Me: I don't care.
Him: *walks over to computer desk and gets online*

Yes. I know. I know he has to get this done. And I realize that things like this take a little while. But come on. I just sat through three movies in the hopes that you would just HUG me or hold my hand or something, SOMETHING and now your on the internet. I get it, I know you have to get that done. But it will just be something else tomorrow that you just HAVE to get done. Then you'll go to work, then Friday it will be something else you have to get done. Then you'll go to work. Then Saturday afternoon it will be something else and then I go back to campus and you sit around at your house when your not at work and play video games or work outside or whatever you feel like doing to relax. And I'm stuck on campus, lonely out of my mind.
His response to my less than enthusiastic response to his immediate departure to internet land was:
We have every weekend after this.
No. No we don't. I will not be home every single weekend and you seem to absolutely HATE coming to the campus. So no. We will not have every weekend. I mean its been almost four years. Would it really be so bad to stop acting like we're the next miserable married couple in line for divorce lawyers because "You never take me anywhere!" and "You just nag, nag, nag!"

And now that he has finally finished his internet project, where is he now you ask?
On the OTHER couch. On his android. Holy CRAP. Ok I'm going to try something. I'm going to post this and turn the computer OFF and just see where this goes.

And I don't want everyone to think that I'm an awful significant other or he's an awful significant other. He's wonderful and I'm just irked....
Ready. Set. Go.

I love Tulips (that kiss me)...

So News that makes me jump up and down:
I finally got my photoshop! Hooray! One day I will have a photography bussiness. I just have to be able to afford the camera and all that great expensive stuff.... but at least I've finally gotten my photoshop!
Me and the guy rented movies today and I actually got one I wanted. He's going to like it but he'll never admit it. I don't even care that I have to watch the movies he picked out--asian guy swings sword and priest chases vampires--because at least we'll be doing something together. I know, I know watching TV together isn't really a good involvement activity but I'm excited because I've missed him. We spend more time looking at cell phones and computer screens than we do at each other and I hate that. And yes I know a TV has a screen but I have a secret plan to make hot chocolate and turn up the A/C and cuddle (yes, I said that) under a blanket and act like Im scared of the stupid vampires so he'll hug me. I generally don't like pretension like that but its worth it today. I'd drop my computer AND my cell phone AND my ipod off of a four story building if it would change up the technophilia that seems to have overcome our relationship. :P
It's starting to cool off. Just the teeniest bit. Or maybe it's not and I'm just getting so excited about the fall that I only think its cooling off...

So News that makes me droop:
I saw a freaking awesome kinda vintage looking (but mostly just dirty) bike at the stockyard today and I wanted it soooo bad. Right when I was walking toward the booth to ask the man how much it was, a guy bought it. I'm devasted. I need to buy one but I see no point in paying over $30 for a bike that someone will steal anyway and I LOVED that thing! But I suppose I'll just have to suck it up.
I'm sad because though I at least think it's cooling down it's still to hot to try to go out and plant. This makes me sadder because I found the most gorgeous plants!!!!

These are Black Parrot Tulips and they are the most seductive treasure ever!!

These are Greenland Tulips and I think they are my new favorite flower.

Now, if only they could have a baby :) That would be the prettiest flower in all the land and I would plant fields of them. 100 points and a great big thank you (and some yummy homemade cookies) to the person who know how to genetically cross flowers :D

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Let the Gauntlet (of Smiley Faces) be Thrown

I wear my Aviators inside the house and two different colored socks. I cut my own bangs and never pass up an underwear sale at Victoria's Secret (like she has any left). I eat Oreo's with milk then sneak to the sink to pour out the leftover because I don't even like milk. I hate ketchup, catsup and all variations. I sing along with the Beach Boys Greatest Hits Vol.1 very loudly, in public, and the same goes for most Disney movie soundtracks. I hate kool-aid and its big red mascot. I don't read instruction manuals. I put things on wrong then have to rummage through the trash for the instruction manual. I think all alcoholic drinks are "yucky" except the tropical ones...when there's no alcohol in them. I read faster than I run from serial killers and if I had to escape from one, I would never throw my favorite book at him as a distraction. I have an awesome list of 100 do's and don't's for evil overlords (that I stole from someone on facebook) for when I rule the southern hemisphere. I can't spell. I think the color blue is over-rated. So is Twilight, Harry Potter and those annoying Percy Jackson books. I have read OR seen the movie for all of those, regretfully.... I love animals just like basically every other girl on the planet. I have the muscle mass of an ant (actual size not ratio). I love bad jokes and I think I'm way funnier than I actually am. I'm afraid of heights. My favorite field trip ever: tower of the Americas. Why? Because I thought I was going to die. If you asked me to describe myself in three words (as I've been asked several times) I would answer with: I don't know.

Hooray for who I am! I don't wear push-up bras or shrink my waist with plastic wrap. Most days I love myself but I still want to fake a freaking awesome diary in case I ever get amnesia.I think Lays are the second best potato chip in the world, right after the generic ever over flavored Winn-Dixie brand (esp the salt and vinegar kind; let me tell you, you have to build up a tolerance for that, otherwise you try to eat a whole bag in one sitting with no prior experience: you might die). Cartoons are awesome. Particularly, the Animaniacs, only two of which I remember by name--Wacko and Dot--if anyone can tell me the third without Google or Wikipedia, ten points for you!