Saturday, August 27, 2011

Squishy Window Stickers

Sometimes, I just want to be transparent so then at least someone, ANYONE, will understand me. But then I ask myself, so why don't you, if you need that so much? Well I just realized this morning that if I do that, then people (a few people in particular and one person in ''more'' particular) might not care. When no one knows what I'm feeling, I can chalk up the fact that no one seems to care to the fact that they simply may not know. If they know but don't care...I'm not strong enough for that.
I never realized that I was so fragile. I feel like a tiny porcelain doll, sitting on the edge of a shelf.
What if I fall?
I've been through a lot of things, a bad word of a lot. I've been abandoned by my biological parents over and over and over again. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally. I looked depression in the face and threw dirt in his eyes. He's chasing after me still but he's not the ball and chain he used to be. I can, GENERALLY, fend him off with a stick. Through all that and more, I developed a strength. I'm strong! I am.
Aren't I? Or do I repress more than I think I do? I just don't understand this feeling... I don't know how to handle being so fragile, so breakable. Is it safe for me to go outside and face ANYTHING? What's my limit? I could handle anything a year ago. I could look it in the face and if I needed to hide later, I could, under my covers or in my closet like a small child.
Maybe I've been this way all along and I just didn't know. I've cried so often. I cry at the slightest thing. Its like my triggers aren't even the triggers anymore, rather, things that simply REMIND me of the triggers set me off. How can I face the world like this? It's no longer just my chronic anxiety; this is full-scale break-ability. I have no idea what to do with it.
All that made me think of the squishy window stickers on my dorm window. They are transparent, so the light shines through, but they are tinted all these beautiful colors and no matter which way you look at them, even though you can see through them, you look AT THEM, not through them and you want to keep looking at them because they're beautiful. I wish I was a window sticker. If they fall off the pane, they don't break.

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