Saturday, August 27, 2011


First off thanks to B. for introducing me to this song. It's on my "when I get pissed, I like to listen to these" playlist.

So basically, I don't know what's going on with me. And if any of you mothercussers say puberty, I'll hunt you down and feed you to Foamy the Squirrel. Seriously, I will. I will sacrifice you to the Foamy Cult.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I had this History class and one whole wall of the room was windows. I got A's on everything and my teacher loved me. The problem was, I was the most inattentive student he'd EVER had. I was past the doom and gloom early stages of depression and rushing head on into suicide contemplation on a daily basis. This was WAY before I was actually brave enough to tackle an attempt. But back to the windows. Before my teacher realized I would probably pay more attention if the blinds were down, I looked out those windows every day. Out in the distance, past the building, the school yard and that stinking road, there were so many trees. And no matter how hard I tried to look away and pay attention in class, I couldn't. I couldn't because every time I looked out those windows I saw myself, falling from the tops of every single tree. I would see myself on a limb, cowering at the height, then I would stand up straight and throw my arms out to my sides like I was being crucified and I would let myself fall backwards. I could see myself, from the classroom, just slowly falling through the air and I would pray that there was someone out there, under that tree, who could catch me. Who would catch me.
I looked out my dorm window today. I looked past the campus buildings and the water tower, and past the trees too, this time. I saw the fuzzy blue green outline of forest on the horizon and, again, I saw myself. I saw myself standing on the water tower and I was proud. I was strong. I was invincible and unafraid. And I saw myself in the air, over the horizon of trees, flying away. I was going where I wanted to. It was undisputed freedom. I can imagine that perhaps I flipped off a few people as I flew. It's not about what kind of day I've had. As far as that goes, my mood and circumstances certainly haven't been the best, though not the worst either.
I don't want to go back to the person I was in high school. And I certainly don't want to go back to the docile, doe-eyed moron I was before high school. But this girl, this girl who seems to be taking me over. I don't know her. She freaks me out. She's angry and rebellious and let me tell you, she loves to cuss people out. I hate her. I love her. She's free. But I won't let her out. I'm not so much worried about what people think as I am about this: Do I WANT to be this chic? Do I really? Am I willing to sacrifice who I think I might be right now for who I might be if I just let myself act the way she wants me to? I know it sounds like I have a split personality disorder but that's not what I mean... I'm sane, I'm just changing. And I don't know if I like it.
Take this moment for example.
What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, straightening up, preparing for class Monday and trying to avoid the jerk in my neighbors room. I'm verifying my feelings by listening to angry music and allowing myself the luxury of a cuss word about every 15 minutes. I also ate all of our chocolate cookies.
Want to know what I think I'd like to do? And the way I'd like to describe what I'd like to do? I'm putting this in quotes because its almost like I'm not even the one speaking anymore. Here goes: "I wanna get the hell out of here and go act like a diva or something. I wanna just get out of this stinking room and relish in the fact that I'm alone today and act like I own the f-ing world and all you jerks in it. I want to put on something sexy and walk outside and flip people the bird and maybe try a cigarette just for the hell of it and put my angry music on my ipod and listen to it all afternoon. I want to go hang a hammock in a tree on the quad and sing loudly and piss off all the people who hate my guts because dammit I hate their guts too!"
You see what I mean?? That is not me! I want that to be me and if I would just chill and let myself loosen up, that would be me. But I'm afraid to act like that. I'm afraid to lose my quiet, nice, smart self just because I'm mad or whatever I am. I'm afraid to grieve God. I'm not even afraid of that I just don't want to do it. I Love Him. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't have my life together, but I don't want to make it worse!
I wish I had wings.
And for those of you with an angry, rebellious streak, here's B.'s awesome song that he gave me. Enjoy.
And for those of you with angry, rebellious streaks, here are some songs on the list:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times already, but what the hell right?
Uncut Version, Just FYI
And just for the pure funny-ness of it: The "Happy" Song

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