Bittersweet Endings

The last post I made on this blog was in November of last year.
I relied on this blog so much.
Some things have changed.
I've changed. Quite a bit. People are noticing. Some people--some of the people closest to me--aren't liking it. But I am what I am, at least, if I'm ok with it. I've come to realize that I am my own beautiful invention. I CAN be who I am and who I want to be AT THE SAME TIME, even if they aren't the same thing. That's amazing. That's beautiful. I'm proud of me for that.
I don't remember which year of college I started this blog.My sophomore year, probably. But I've done so many things, gained things and lost them. I lost (or did I leave?) my faith. I lost my sister. I lost my social life (thank you college and Undergrad research). I learned to shoot a gun (quite well) and a bow. I learned to play video games (also well). I gained a friend or two. I gained a little confidence.
I'm still afraid of driving. I've still got my dog (he weighs about 120 pounds now, you guys!). I'm still constantly trying to escape the holes my "family" left me in. I'm still fighting my depression sometimes. I'm still worried about my body. I'm still second best at everything.
But I think this blog has fulfilled its purpose, not that I could tell you what that was. I remember having intent, but somewhere, I forgot it and this turned into something else.
I'm proud of this little sliver of me and I'm not going to delete it, but I don't think I'll be coming back here.
Maybe I'll start a new blog (one that's ABOUT something ;D ) or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just leave this part of my growing completely behind me. I don't know.
I guess we'll see.
Thanks for reading when you did, though. And when you didn't, I don't blame you :)

Bye.

Sexy Shoes

So yesterday, I had a presentation to do. I don't have much self confidence, I don't have much self-esteem. When it comes to stuff like this, I don't do so well about being calm and collected. So what I did was decided that since I didn't have any confidence, I would fake it. So I put on my sexy shoes.

And I strut. And I rocked the world. So, I held my head up higher, I had guys actually stop and look at me and watch me walk by, I kicked butt on my presentation, and I felt so great. Then, at the end of the day, I fell down the stairs. It was sooooo funny! XD But oh my gosh, it hurt. But whatever. I didn't die :) It was worth it.

Then today, I been trying to keep that attitude up. Even though the apartment bit seems to be falling through, I been having a great day. I opened my mailbox today and found a check! YAY! :) That was nice. And my boss took me to look at the apartment today, even though, well you know. So that was fun. It was really nice too! Very cute and it would just be so darn nice! :D But we'll see.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys about my victory :)

Another victory I just won: She and SuperEgo left the room because I'm playing comedy central too loud. I mean come on, it's not like I'm vacuuming or slamming doors or yelling while you're writing a paper after you promised your boyfriend wouldn't even be here. Silly.

>:) 

"Fall" in Love With...My Corny Puns :)

See, I'm so excited that the weather is changing, I can't help but say awful things like that ;) It feels sooooo good outside. I stayed with LoverBoy yesterday. It was nice. We took the dog for a walk (or rather, he took me; this is impressive because he's only about three months old...), we went to Petsmart and got some nail clippers and a doggie harness because he pulls on his collar til he chokes himself when he's on a leash. Anyway, then we went to his house and watched an hour long comedy act on youtube. The guy was funny but he was racist as all get out. I don't care what you think, but black people are just as (if not more...) racist as white people, who are just as racist as Asian people, who are just as racist as Hispanic people and so on and so forth. Everybody has hate, so just because you're a different shade of tan than me don't play like I'm a racist JUST BECAUSE I'm a different shade of tan than you are. Just sayin'. I don't like racism and I REALLY don't like racism when it's pretending to not be what it is. Anyway, but his non-race based jokes were funny.
We also talked about the apartment. It looks like it's not going to happen. Which makes me soooo sad. But I'm trying to be optimistic.

I'm reminding myself that my joy is about who I am, not what I have.

So, even though I'm not thrilled about this (because I'm stuck in this dorm room with her and SuperEgo and that attitude, and I was looking forward to having something of my own, and kind of the fact that I would be living next door to my boss lol), I'm just going to be positive. It'll all work out one way or the other and I have too much other stuff to be thankful for. Did I tell you about my sexy-shoes yesterday? I'll have to write again tonight and tell you about that! It was GREAT!!!

Me, Me and More Me

Gosh, I'm so egotistical ;)
So two things:
1. I've just been informed that when hiring, a blog is fair game for employers to base hiring choices on. This is a very controversial topic, as some would like to defend their privacy or say that it makes it easier for companies to discriminate without admitting that that's what they're doing. Well, here's what I have to say to that: yes.
It is fair game. And it does make discrimination easier.
Boo-hoo. You put it out there in public, anyone can read it. That's not a violation of privacy. Same goes for me. Perhaps one day an employer will choose to not hire me because I said something on this blog--about my personal life, my religious preferences, my politics--that they don't like or agree with. Well, fine. I put it out there. I know people can read it. I'm taking that risk. I deserve to have this medium of expression if that's what I want (and it is) and no one will take that from me by threatening not to hire me. Let me make this clear: so long as I am the only one affected by it, if you don't like me for who I am, I don't care. I don't like you either. That's ok. Honestly, if I had a family depending on me and the only way to feed them was to stop posting on this blog, well of course I would. But just to make somebody like me or think I'm right for the job by pretending to be someone I'm not...well that's lying to my employer, my clients and everyone else. And I'm not into that. I'm hard working, I'm qualified (and will be) for what I do (and will do) and I'm a good person (though I make lots of mistakes just like lots of other good people). If there's something an employer needs that I don't fulfill then they shouldn't hire me, I would be the same way if I were hiring. That's life and I'm ok with it. This is me and I can work. I'm going to be the exact same person in an interview as I am on my blog, my facebook, my home, whatever. I don't change to make others happy or to deceive them. Ask my current boss. He knows me and he loves (in a boss-ly way) anyway. He knows I do my best and I love my job and he appreciates me for who I am. He gets that each employee is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. He's a great boss.
So a note from me to any future employers: I will do my job. Well. I will not complain about going to work (more than once every six months or so). I will not "fluff" my resume to include things I "technically" did (say for example, "did legal work for three months at ______ ______ Courthouse" when all I did was "volunteered for the summer at _____ ____ Courthouse to assist legal workers with paperwork, filing, secretarial tasks and court hearing overviews"). I want to be hired for the person and worker I am and can grow to be, NOT the person I am not and will have to pretend to be (while providing unsatisfactory work to my employers, clients, etc.) until I get fired for not doing my job correctly because I'm not even really qualified for it. I will NEVER play a race, gender, religious discrimination card. So when you interview me, you'll get me. But I can promise, you'll like what you see. And you'll want to hire me. I'll earn that. And when you hire me, twenty years down the road, you'll wonder how you ever got along without me.
2. For any general readers: I'm considering making (yet another) blog. I need an outlet for one specific thing and I'm really really thinking it would be a great idea to blog about because I want other people's opinions. Problems? Nobody reads this thing so who's going to read and comment on my other one? How can I get opinions if people don't read it?

Physical and Emotional Violations

So first of all, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest because I am cussing mad. Bugs...no, hereafter she shall no longer be called by the pet name. SHE, she shall be referred to as SHE. She and One Man Geek Squad decided to go to the gym. Yay. I can actually have some alone with with MY boyfriend. Some alone time PERIOD. But no, as soon as Lover Boy gets here, they magically reappear (exercised out apparently from their walk halfway to the gym and back) and do not appear to be leaving anytime soon. So, Lover Boy and I leave just to get a little bit of privacy. We go shopping for a little while, get a bit to eat and come back and by now it's like almost 10PM, anything they wanted to do they should have done already and in all honesty, they should have got the bad word out and went somewhere else to do it because I haven't had my boyfriend in her personal space for a week straight. Anyway, when we get back, he's "sitting on the bed" when we finally get in the door. I'm thinking "1. If you were sitting on the bed, you should have got off your ass and unlocked the door and 2. If you weren't SITTING on the bed, you should have got your ass up because I texted the two of you and said we were coming." And this is the part where it gets so good, I'm bawling my eyes out like an idiot over it: I said "I'm going to change clothes" O.M.G.S. gets up to go in the hallway and SHE goes with him. I'm freaking changing clothes and SHE SENDS HIM IN. SHE SENT HIM INTO OUR ROOM WHILE I WAS UNDRESSING. And what happens?! THE thing I was trying to avoid athe entire time. The thing that made me so uncomfortable with him staying here all the time in the first place. He sees me in my underwear. I am not fully clothed and this idiot male is standing in my doorway WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN TO THE WORLD LOOKING AT ME. In case I didn't make this clear: I HATE MEN. I do not trust them. To me, they are all wife beaters, rapists, abusers, serial killers, whatever until proven otherwise and if anything, O.M.G.S. has proven to be someone I DO NOT trust. I would certainly never let him see me without any single article of clothing. My body belongs to ME. Not you, not HER, and not HIM. It is MY BODY. Its MINE. And SHE SENT HIM IN. She sent HIM in! She SENT him in! What the fucking hell was she thinking?! IT'S MY BODY!!! I cannot stress this enough! I have no personal space, hardly any privacy at all and the ONE THING I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT WAS THAT! AND SHE SENT HIM IN! Bitch. I'm just dying to get my hands on a baseball bat and a bar of soap (to wash my mouth out). I'm a wreck. I'm mad at them both. For being so careless or stupid or evil, whichever it was. I'm humiliated. I'm violated. I'm mad because I'm humiliated and violated. I'm hurt. I'm mad because I'm hurting. I'm fighting the desire I have to hate them right now.
And some of you are thinking "This is NOT a huge deal." It is to me. You don't know my whole life, just like I don't know yours. You don't downplay what another person is feeling because you never have any idea what they have gone through. If you did, or if you went through it yourself, it's most likely that you would feel and react the exact same way.
Anyway, that's the "I'm really pissed" part of the day. That's the part of the day that I'm trying desperately to get over so I can sleep.
The other part of the day.... well, I started thinking alot today. About truth. What if the God I Love isn't real? What if my whole belief system is not true, but merely a myth? I talked to Lover Boy about this and he had such an honest answer. No one judge him. Because if you truly looked at your motives, they would probably be the same. Even my motive is the same on a certain level. He said he was too afraid to not believe it because if it was true then he'd go to hell. Well, obviously no one wants to go to hell, myself included. But even more than that... if God isn't real... then this "being" that I Love so much doesn't exist. It's almost if someone has died. And he asked me "What if it's just a different god than the one we think?" And I said, honestly, that I would rather spend an eternity in hell than in heaven with a god I didn't know. I Love my Lord. But then I realized how ashamed I was. If God didn't exist, it wouldn't alter my life much. It would hurt my heart but it wouldn't change the way I live. That's not to say I'm so good that if there were no law I'd still be good. That's to say that I'm so bad, I act like there isn't a god even when I say I believe there is one. So how can I say I Love Him so when I do something that hurts him every single day?
But beyond that, even: There are things that simply do not make sense to me. Most Christians will argue with you (to the death) that the world is around 4000 years old. Scientists say the earth is older than that. Those two "truths" can't both be true. So which is true and what does that mean for God? For me?
The rituals God made his people live out in the old testament are so insanely similar to that of the g\Greeks. I mean have you read the Odyssey? It's...scary. It takes away from the Bible in a way. In a way that frightens me. And I went to the bookstore with Lover looking for some answers. Then I realized, no man can ever give me truth. Whatever he believes to be true, he will defend with all his might. He has his own agenda. His agenda isn't to find truth; it's to be right or to persuade me that his truth is true. So I can't trust a single word from man's mouth. So how do I find answers when I can't trust a single source? Even scripture. Who KNOWS that no one messed up? I can certainly see places where I see more of man than God in the written word. But with other scripture as well, the Quran, for example because I know of no other that can be compared with the Bible (not that that really matters, but just for "fair" argument's sake), could be just as wrong with no way to prove it either way. Who can put me in a time machine and show me all these things? How can I find truth when no one can have definite answers?
Don't think I have no faith. I've taken many leaps of faith and even know I trust that faith. I have not lost my faith in God for the sake of what could be a potential discrepancy. But my God is a Big God and He can handle my doubts; shoot, if He isn't even real then it doesn't matter that I doubt right? Or that I question. Question is a better word than doubt. Either way, that's just something that I was pondering today and I'm sure you'll hear lots more of that from me until I finally get at least a satisfying answer.
Did I mention also, how much I Love my boyfriend? I can't even begin to tell.

We've Got Hawaii

So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY.  Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.

Steak, Shrimp and Pork 'n Beans

So the day after my last post, lover boy made me a freaking yummylicious steak dinner. He marinated it and cooked it in the frying pan. I don't know how you're supposed to cook steak but I like it the way he did it :) he also opened up (by stabbing with a pocket knife) a can of pork 'n beans (which aren't so yummy but it's still so sweet and funny). The steak really was very, very good. I think I could have eaten two, it was that yummy. Then the next day was pretty :P and yesterday after helping out with our church's "Back to School Blast" for the kids, I made him some "Baja Citrus" shrimp which were also very yummy but not nearly as citrus-y as i was expecting or hoping. But he says he liked it and it made me happy. Both days we went out into the backyard and ate in white plastic chairs at a green glass table and it was just so nice to make dinner for each other and not be arguing or staring at screens.
Of course, we had a fight today which left me bawling my eyes out and driving down back-roads and sitting in cemeteries by myself for a few hours, but we worked it out and I don't really care what it takes on my part to make this work out, but it will. I Love him and I know (I KNOW even though some days I don't feel like it) that deep down, he Loves me. I'm not going to lose that. I don't know how to fix everything but who cares? I don't have to fix everything; I don't expect him to fix everything. All I know is that being with him is more important than any argument we could ever have. Yes, everybody fights; yes, I know we're going to fight; no, I am not going to let any fighting come between us. This is the man that God made for me and I for him and I will not give that up just to "win" a fight. People think relationships are 50-50. No. That doesn't even make sense. Relationships are 100-100. You have to give your all, even when the other person can't. And when you can't, the other person will be there saying "you did it for me, now I'm here for you still giving my 100% to you."
So I'm staying at my teacher's place for a few days, so I can go to campus to work before I move back in.I'm so scared of moving back in. I mean I LOVE college, I just HATE being alone, and when I'm on campus, except for B., I'm always alone. I don't have alot....ok I have two friends. Only one of which I can really count on and I don't begrudge the other one that. But even when I'm in class with people its not the same. But when I'm really alone, in my room by myself, I just get so insanely depressed. And I mean, I've been through the depths of real depression and no, every time I'm by myself I do not plummet into clinical depression, but I get SO MISERABLE. I just can't focus on anything, I cry all the time, I can't sleep, I eat too much (when I have time to eat) and I do my best to distract myself by staring at a computer screen even though I don't do anything productive. I'm not afraid of being alone I just HATE it; I AM afraid of getting depressed when I'm alone too much. I just don't know what to do about any of it.
AND NOBODY COMMENT AND SAY "JOIN A CLUB OR ACTIVITY" If you do my sister's boyfriend will get paid alot of money to find you online and send a myriad of viruses to your computer. No offense. I'm just really emotionally unstable. It's been, without a doubt and actually not exaggerating, the worst week of my life. And I've had some doozies. I've cried at least 3 times EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I never cry. I think the last time I cried before this week was when my dog died. I just don't do it. I mean I want to sometimes, but I just don't. It gives me a headache and I'm not used to it. I hardly ever cried in high school, when I was actually dealing with the freaking depression. And yet this week I've probably cried more than the standard quota of tears to be shed on a soap opera in a year. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm too tired, emotionally drained and just sad to be optimistic. I'm losing all my determination (and if you know me that's like saying "Oh the sun? Yah one day it just suddenly lost all it's light." That doesn't just happen. But it is. I'm just so tired.
But still, those last two paragraphs have nothing to do with my relationship. 100-100. It's easier typed than done but I'm going to do it. Period. Because I Love him.

Reflections on TRUUUUE LOOOVE. sigh. (And a shout-out. Heee-eeey :D)

So real quick: Checked my audience stats yesterday and saw that at this point, only ONE person has read a single thing I've written (if that). AWWWWW. BUT, that one person is apparently from Germany. OOOOOOH. So, I don't know if you will be returning, Person From Germany, but if you do: Hi! Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not "technically" talking to myself on this thing. You. Are. Awesome! Come back anytime and there will be a coupon waiting for you (ok that's just a lame joke, I don't have any coupons, and I don't know why you would need a coupon for a blog but whatever).

Ok now for my "Reflections on TRUUUE LOOOVE. sigh.". Well, seriously it's not a relationship thing or a mushy gushy load of crap. It's actually about love.

First, I feel the need to explain my "religion." After this, I will try to not call it that though. So, I am a Christian. (And the guy in back row goes "oh that's just frikin great".) Well, it is. But I do not like to call myself a Christian. The word has completely lost it's meaning. My best friend, B., called Christianity "The World's Biggest Book Group" and he is soooo right, at least as far as "civilized society" is concerned. If you are unfamiliar with the dynamics of REAL Christianity, the Biblical, unspoiled, un-'civilized', one and only true version of it, I encourage you to read the four gospels of the Bible: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as well as the book of Acts. It's not exactly light reading but it's worth it. And if you are completely anti-Bible reader, try Voice of the Martyrs, an extremely short magazine. If you still are very averse to reading of any kind, do some research or actually visit places in the world where my "religion" is illegal. You have 58 countries to choose from. I am not a Christian. I am a Follower of Jesus.
I am most certainly not a perfect Follower.

Here is exhibit A:
As a Follower of Jesus, I should Love everyone through the power, grace and Love of God himself. Very often, I find that I am not very good at it, nor do I always want to improve my skills in this area. I'm not being a horrible person, I'm being an honest person. Anyone, religious or not, will tell you that they have problems loving everyone.
I don't mean everyone as in a vague, distant population of a variety of people who live out in the world...somewhere, doing...something. What I mean are those people who you have "reason" to not like. At all. Here are my first few example of people I find it hard to Love (*I ask that no one take offense to this list if you are on it; you have people on your list, I may even be one of them and if we ever actually met, both of us would probably like each other quite a bit):

• Rich Kids with Stories
• I don't like it when people get every single thing they want and still think they have a reason to complain. Yes, deep down I know that EVERYONE is facing some kind of battle, but I despise the idea that a person can have everything and then I am forced to give them something I can with-hold from them out of spite, like sympathy or love.
• Rich Kids, PERIOD
• I have a cousin, who is stinking loaded and does not have a story. She is tall, thin, gorgeous, smart, likable and RICH. She has every single material thing she has ever wanted and her waiting period for said things has never been longer than the shipping time. Why people like this are allowed to exist, especially to be related to me, I don't understand. And it just makes me madder that to be such close relatives, not only do I look nothing like her, not only did my side of the family manage to not be in the same fancy-schmancy boat as hers, but her family is cheap and uppity and got my mom, FOR HER BIRTHDAY, a set of dish towels from FRED'S for $4.99.
• Asian Women
• This one sounds weird....I suppose because it is. But I have only ever liked one Asian woman that I didn't know and in all honesty I certainly do not go out of my way to make friends with women of oriental descent. Why? Because my boyfriend loves them. I don't understand why these dumb guys are all so taken with dis-proportionate anime cartoons but if you want to make your girlfriend's self-esteem drop lower than it already was, make it clear to her that if you could screw an Asian lady, you would without a second thought. See how she reacts when the two of you walk past the ideal Japanese girl in the supermarket.
• Evangelicals Who Don't Like Evangelicals
• You are, let's say for the example, a Muslim who is doing what you believe to be a good thing by bringing people to your religion. You truly believe that you are saving people. The...I don't know, the Jehovah's Witness next door to you truly believes that by going around and knocking on doors, she is saving people. She is angry with you for "pulling people into the darkness," she says. She wants the freedom to evangelize but doesn't want you to do it at all. Now there are a few levels to this but here's a basic rundown that makes us all a little less likely to despise people like this.
• This woman is genuinely concerned about people and truly believes she is doing what is best for them. You can't hate people who attempt to help others, even if their attempts are mis-guided.
• She considers you to be a threat. If people have a choice (believe in your god or hers), statistically, she will lose some people because you are sharing your beliefs too. She doesn't want YOUR misguided attempts to defeat HER misguided attempts. *Please don't take offense to the dramatization if you are a Muslin or a Jehovah's Witness.
• Now, I don't like people who are mean to me because of my religion but want to spread theirs to the ends of the earth. Its not right. I am a Follower of Christ and as such I am called by Him to tell people about Him. And I will, whether you like it or not. But I will never tell you that even though I think you're wrong, you're not allowed to tell people about your beliefs too. Not ok. What you think and believe in is important and I wouldn't be a jerk like that. But anytime you want to have a rational, constructive, thought-provoking discussion (NOT AN AIR-HEADED STUBBORN ARGUMENT) I would absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk with you about our differing beliefs and yes, be fore-warned, I will try to convince you of mine just as hard as you will [perhaps secretly] be trying to convince me of yours. I like questions that challenge my faith because they give me reason to think and validate the reasons I have to believe the way I do, just as, hopefully, you appreciate challenging questions. But also be warned, I will not be ashamed if I don't know all the answers. I'm still learning and even if I learned all I could, I couldn't ever know everything about God. And you can't either so I don't expect you to have all the answers, and if you "do" then I will seriously question your integrity as well as your belief system. I think about your questions after our discussion is over, just as I would hope you would as well.

Now, I'm not telling you all this just to show you what a lousy Follower I am or to make myself look like a jerk. I just want to be real and you should be real too. PERSONALLY, I don't have a problem with any of the people on this list (except my cousin's family...two houses, four cars and you get your mother a pack of cheap dish towels), but overall, I have a problem accepting these people. It's just something I'm working on, something that I think we should all think about in a very honest, real way and work on. So I hope nobody reads this and gets mad at me and tries to get revenge or anything, but I do hope you take it to heart and think about your list.

Let the Gauntlet (of Smiley Faces) be Thrown

I wear my Aviators inside the house and two different colored socks. I cut my own bangs and never pass up an underwear sale at Victoria's Secret (like she has any left). I eat Oreo's with milk then sneak to the sink to pour out the leftover because I don't even like milk. I hate ketchup, catsup and all variations. I sing along with the Beach Boys Greatest Hits Vol.1 very loudly, in public, and the same goes for most Disney movie soundtracks. I hate kool-aid and its big red mascot. I don't read instruction manuals. I put things on wrong then have to rummage through the trash for the instruction manual. I think all alcoholic drinks are "yucky" except the tropical ones...when there's no alcohol in them. I read faster than I run from serial killers and if I had to escape from one, I would never throw my favorite book at him as a distraction. I have an awesome list of 100 do's and don't's for evil overlords (that I stole from someone on facebook) for when I rule the southern hemisphere. I can't spell. I think the color blue is over-rated. So is Twilight, Harry Potter and those annoying Percy Jackson books. I have read OR seen the movie for all of those, regretfully.... I love animals just like basically every other girl on the planet. I have the muscle mass of an ant (actual size not ratio). I love bad jokes and I think I'm way funnier than I actually am. I'm afraid of heights. My favorite field trip ever: tower of the Americas. Why? Because I thought I was going to die. If you asked me to describe myself in three words (as I've been asked several times) I would answer with: I don't know.

Hooray for who I am! I don't wear push-up bras or shrink my waist with plastic wrap. Most days I love myself but I still want to fake a freaking awesome diary in case I ever get amnesia.I think Lays are the second best potato chip in the world, right after the generic ever over flavored Winn-Dixie brand (esp the salt and vinegar kind; let me tell you, you have to build up a tolerance for that, otherwise you try to eat a whole bag in one sitting with no prior experience: you might die). Cartoons are awesome. Particularly, the Animaniacs, only two of which I remember by name--Wacko and Dot--if anyone can tell me the third without Google or Wikipedia, ten points for you!