I've Been Sin Internet All This Time

I missed my blog! :'(
But now I'm back in business baby! :)
You guys would not believe this holiday! First my dad wound up in the hospital and had his toe amputated, but me and LoverBoy drove the kids up to the hospital ponh Christmas and brought all the presents and had a surprise Christmas party in his room :) It was so nice. And I think it made him feel so much better :) And he got to come home that afternoon!
Of course, on Christmas Eve we had been without Mom's cooking and so the Sister and I, who are managing to get along now (I'm just waiting to get back to the dorm and all my stuff be gone), cooked ALOT of food and it all came out wonderful! Downside? Poodle and Bull (that's how I'm going to refer to my "real" mother and her bully husband) showed up and pushed my buttons all day and came back the day after Christmas. I tried to talk to them about something that had happened and I was very calm and polite and they freaked out so I told them off and now they say they won't ever come back. Great. Not that I'm going to miss them, just a couple other people in the family will.
So. Bipolar huh? But it's ok, it will either work out or it won't. Anyway, I need to go update my other blogs too :) When I return to my high-speed internet full campus, I'll be posting more often. I hope your holidays are going well too!

Thanksgiving Break

So bad news:
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
She brought her douche bag husband.
My grampa cried.
My back hurts.
The Sister is acting seriously b-i-t-c-h-y again. I can't say it because I decided to take the next several weeks to tone my vocabulary.

GOOD NEWS :)
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
LoverBoy and I put up our first Christmas tree.
He bought Dante a rain coat! HAHAHA
I finally have some food and room in the fridge to put it.
I have pictures!!!
I can't post them right this second though...

Thanksgiving was good. The food was good. The company was (mostly) good. The food was good. I got to see everybody and sleep til 9. The food was really good. And I made some of it. I'll be putting up another recipe later: Sweet potato biscuits. Sound funny. Taste YUMMY.

The Sister has decided that when she moves out, she's taking the fridge. Well I don't care, but you better believe you're walking your tail to housing and checking with them before you do it because I'm not paying for the darn thing just because you took it without them knowing. I really don't like her. And of course, when we got home, she was playing nice with everyone. Then as soon as I get up here this morning, she's being a jerk. I mean she's being something else but like I said, I'm toning my vocabulary. I just really want her to go ahead and get her crap and move out. And if I have to lose the micro-fridge to get rid of her then so be it. All I can say is, I better not have to move out because of her or I will throw down. I mean I'm not the one who broke the agreement, she is. She just happens to be able to pay for a private room. Just because I don't have that kind of money does not mean that I should get booted out of the building with no where to go and even less money than I started out with. This, this right here, is part of the reason I despise her so much.

I'm trying not to be bitter, but every time I think about it, it just leaks out. It sucks. I don't want to be angry and yet I can't seem to keep from it. I just want her to go.

Ok, coming later today, pictures of Dante and a yummy Christmas-time biscuit recipe. :D

I keep forgetting which blog I wrote on

But on the up side, the other two are doing well. I'm doing ok too. Found out the sister is moving out next term. Which is fine, but she didn't tell me and wasn't going to and if I can't find a new roomie, looks like I might have to move out AND pay up two hundred bucks for breaking my housing agreement by moving out. AND when I forfeit housing, I also forfeit half of my scholarship money, which means I may have to drop some of my classes. Great. It was a bitch thing to do. It was. And I cussed. her. out.
But I'm not mad. I got tired of being mad and it wasn't like it would fix anything anyway. And I got tired of worrying about it because that didn't help either. So now I'm just riding and it will work out or it wont and if it doesn't, something else will.
Anyhoo, yah. I've been thinking about youtube videos, tattoos and school (a little, on the side lol). And money. I been thinking about that alot because I just don't have any. I need money for next semester, for an apartment in June (maybe.....), for Christmas presents, for groceries and to save up. Why is it that I need so much money and yet I obviously cannot possibly acquire it? I have a minimum wage job that I can't work more than twenty hours a week in, but really I hardly get more than 11. I LOVE MY JOB. I just wish it paid better. I'm thinking about getting a second but it's really hard to photograph randomly occurring sports and have a normal shift at a diner...
It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok....
It will. Don't make that face at me.
I need a canvas. A big one. And paint. Lots and lots of paint. That would make it all better for a while at least :)
BY THE WAY:
AWESOME recipe coming soon. Just gotta get LoverBoy to give me the camera with my pictures on it. But you guys, I stuffed strawberries with cheesecake and dipped it in melted chocolate! O.O Yah.
And an update on my dad, it's going well :) Thanks!

Something as Simple as a Sign

We have a whiteboard on our dorm door so we can leave notes for each other, for friends, for people walking down the hall, whatever. Le Douche was all "heart heart heart" on it two days or so ago and our dad is going to a surgeon today to possibly get his foot amputated. I erased the board and wrote "please pray for my dad" and when I got back from work, The Sister (who is from this point on known as the She-Witch) had torn the board off the door, erased what I wrote and put it upside down on a chair in our room. So because you're mad at me because you're acting like a petty bitch, you are going to take it out on our father, not that you know what's going on anyway.
Someone tell me how I'm supposed to be "the bigger person" in this situation....
Anyway, everyone, please pray for my dad.

I Ranted Today

So, remember how I said that I had a not so sneaking suspicion that I'd have a ring next week? Well I told my boss that that was why I couldn't work. In his excitement (I suppose) he told my co-worker, who (for Lord knows what reason) told The Sister and Le Douche. *Hand on My Forehead.*Anyway, so his response is to get mad, say "Well, I did it first." and walk away. Well at first I was very, very angry. I mean who the bad word cares about what you did and when you did it? This ain't got nothing to do with your stupid self. And I said some bad words, all about them (what exactly, EXACTLY, they were and just where they could go, how they could get there and what they could do when they got there....) but after I ranted a bit and fumed for about twenty or thirty minutes, I realized I was being stupid. I was just making it into a bigger deal, which is what they were meaning for it to be. So I stepped back and actually processed my second thought on the situation. How pathetic. I mean, what does that one statement say about these two relationships?

About The Sister and Le Douche that statement says:

• They are completely insecure in their relationship
• They compare their relationship to ours
• They are somehow dependent on the success or failures of our relationship
• They see the relationship as a competition
• In this imaginary competition it is more important for them to "win" than it is for them to be together
• This reduces their relationship to meaning practically nothing
• That's really sad

About LoverBoy and I, that statement says:

•     
•       
•       
•    
•        
•     
•        

So, I decided I wasn't upset anymore, because me letting myself be upset only means that I value what they think and that what they think matters. But that's not true. I value their opinions probably less than any other person's that I know (those that I very much dislike are included in this category). And if they told me what they thought about my relationship, would it affect anything? No. So I let it go.

I feel....proud. Proud that I got myself under control and thought about it logically and that I was able to come back to my room, look her straight in the face and not get even the teeniest bit angry or even annoyed.

I don't want to use the word "victory" as in I've beaten them, but more-so that I've beaten my attitude, if only a small bit. 

Immaturely enough, I feel like having a party: the theme should be "I took a step up on the maturity ladder" lol

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night (or whatever time it is where you are).

I Need an Attitude Adjustment

So no matter what I think is true in the end of this journey, I know there is God and I know He is Love.
My problem is that I can't get over how much I despise The Sister and Le Douche. Stop pretending to be asleep, put it back in your pants (and keep it there) and get out.
Yet, how am I an better by acting and thinking the way I do? I'm not. So, I'm going to try to....be a bigger person I guess.
We'll see how it goes.....
Wish me luck.
On another note, B. and I went around town today apartment hunting and the more we tentatively plan things around moving in together, the surer I get that it's a bad idea. I mean I was as up front with him as I felt was tactful. I said that if he found something he liked and could afford, he shouldn't worry about me because if I found something LoverBoy and I liked and could afford that we would get it. I also told him (at the very start of our expedition today) that the goal isn't necessarily to move in together or get an apartment together but just to find something. I found one that I'm very seriously considering and he doesn't like it. And that's fine with me because it's something that I wouldn't want to share. I mean the two of us isn't a big deal (although I'm sensing it would turn into one eventually) and I told him upfront: This is NOT for me and somebody else. This is for me and LoverBoy and the only reason we would want a (A) roommate is to make it more affordable. But now B. is talking about him and his boyfriend. Well, I like your boyfriend fine, that's fine, but I thought I made myself very clear that I was pretty sure I didn't want him to move in. B's argument was that it would make it easier for him to afford since he is a server but hang on: I get minimum wage too and I get less hours than you do and then later I found out by slip of his tongue that his parents would be paying his rent. So.... not technically a lie but still deceptive so you can convince to live with yet another person. I mean, I also made myself very clear about the fact that MY (not B's, not B's boyfriend's and not even LoverBoy's) name is going on the lease. This place is mine. I made this all VERY, VERY clear and never said for sure that I was ok with so and so moving in and yet B has already practically got the boy packing. I feel like there's been a massive shift and I'm not ok with that. Sure, call me a dictator, but I don't care. It was my idea, it's my apartment. If you want one, fine, but there's no way you can just decide without me that someone else is moving into my apartment and that we're getting THOSE apartments (the most expensive ones I've seen and they aren't even in the freaking city!) and that nothing has to be unplugged because so and so is paying your bills. Well nobody but me is paying my bills and I'm not ok with all that and I'm not ok with you acting like it's all your decision. Let's be brutally honest here: I am getting an apartment when it is financially convenient for me. That was the plan all along. I am getting an apartment with my name only on the lease. Also been said all along. I am not ok with four people (one of which I don't know that well) living in my apartment. Also made very clear. I am not paying a ridiculous light bill because you refuse to unplug things. Made perfectly clear and yet was disagreed with. Why would you WANT to raise a bill for something you aren't even using?! More later.

Oh the Controversy

I tried to post this the other day but Blogger was like "nuh-uh" and wagged its finger at me.
So basically, I burnt my thumb on a 410 degree flat iron and it hurt but most of my thumb print has returned :)

Now for the stupidity. The Sister and SuperEgo (who I've decided to rename Le Douche) "officially announced" their "engagement" on facebook.
Numero Uno, you've been engaged since June. Kind of interesting how you waited til right after your best friend gets engaged and right before your sister's (me) four year anniversary to tell everybody, huh? Not getting all the attention for once?
Darn. Well don't worry, you and Douche will have a great marriage for like 4 whole months!
Secondly, did you not feel the need to inform certain individuals before you told the whole world? I don't know, like OUR MOTHER, who I'm sure would have been very interested to know that you were getting married before all your facebook friends. Or, maybe your sister? Although you didn't have to tell me, I found out but it would have been nice to be among those that you consider important.
Oh wait, I forgot, nobody is important but you and Douche. Right. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Anyhoo, so I have a not so sneaking suspicion that I'll be getting my own ring quite soon. :D
And it's about dang time too! I mean excuse me, but you (The Sister) and Elso (friend) can get married and I been with LoverBoy since before you all even knew each other? AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
My sister wants to graduate with me and Douche and do you know why? So she can get married right before I do. That's her motivation for graduating college. Wow. Like you have nothing better to do with your life than spitefully try to sabotage my wedding. Really? Well you go right ahead. You're the one getting stuck with a complete jackass.

Anyway, I'm going to stop obsessively ranting about them and focus on how happy I am that this is going to happen! :) God, I'm so excited. I'm so freaking happy. You all will be informed quite shortly after it happens (I'm soooooo counting on this weekend)! I just can't curb my enthusiasm. *SCREAM* ah.

The apartment is a maybe (a probably maybe); the engagement is also (end even better) a probably maybe, I found dollar TV dinners that are fabulous (Alfredo, tortellini, pizza rolls, chicken flatbreads), I'm just happy. :)

Want to see the ring I want?

This is THE RING people.
But even if I don't get this one, it's ok,
"cuz it ain't about the bling on the ring,"
it's about us :)

Have a great day guys :)

"Fall" in Love With...My Corny Puns :)

See, I'm so excited that the weather is changing, I can't help but say awful things like that ;) It feels sooooo good outside. I stayed with LoverBoy yesterday. It was nice. We took the dog for a walk (or rather, he took me; this is impressive because he's only about three months old...), we went to Petsmart and got some nail clippers and a doggie harness because he pulls on his collar til he chokes himself when he's on a leash. Anyway, then we went to his house and watched an hour long comedy act on youtube. The guy was funny but he was racist as all get out. I don't care what you think, but black people are just as (if not more...) racist as white people, who are just as racist as Asian people, who are just as racist as Hispanic people and so on and so forth. Everybody has hate, so just because you're a different shade of tan than me don't play like I'm a racist JUST BECAUSE I'm a different shade of tan than you are. Just sayin'. I don't like racism and I REALLY don't like racism when it's pretending to not be what it is. Anyway, but his non-race based jokes were funny.
We also talked about the apartment. It looks like it's not going to happen. Which makes me soooo sad. But I'm trying to be optimistic.

I'm reminding myself that my joy is about who I am, not what I have.

So, even though I'm not thrilled about this (because I'm stuck in this dorm room with her and SuperEgo and that attitude, and I was looking forward to having something of my own, and kind of the fact that I would be living next door to my boss lol), I'm just going to be positive. It'll all work out one way or the other and I have too much other stuff to be thankful for. Did I tell you about my sexy-shoes yesterday? I'll have to write again tonight and tell you about that! It was GREAT!!!

This One is a Mess

So I'm awful because I should really be working on some Spanish, but I just get like this...well, alot lately. I feel so behind that I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I have my good studious intentions then I aimlessly browse the internet and, apparently, blog about it. I don't even really have much to talk about. Got up, went to work, went to class, got an 85 (....-_-....) on my test, came back to my room. B. says he won't be moving in with me when I move out because if he moves out in December, they will charge him a penalty fee of $250. That sucks, but at the same time, I think he would still be saving money... I don't know. I'm going to try to keep the discussion open simply because I don't think I can bear living here anymore. I could always find another willing roomie I suppose.... I just don't know who to ask. I don't have any girlfriends. At least, not any I'd want to live with. My automatic first thought would always have been my sister, but since she's the person (or one of the two) I'm try to escape from so desperately, I don't think that would work. What I can say though, is that I believe she's talked SuperEgo into moving out of his dad's house because she heard me talking about an apartment... If he moves into the same apartment building.... can I get a restraining order on people for being jackasses? Pardon my language, please. But that's a completely serious question.
Anyway, so I'm really considering still moving out in December..it's just that from December to June, I can't pay for it alone. I HAVE to get a roommate. I'm even so desperate as to consider paying B.'s $250 to get him to move in with me (though I know I won't), perhaps if I pay the security deposit then we'll be even. I don't really think that it's completely fair to make him pay a security deposit on a place he may only be staying in for 6 months anyway... If I paid the start up fees on all the bills and the security deposit, I wonder if then he would be willing.. I'm asking him. I'm pretty sure he'd still be saving money and I just....I just have to get out of here. What I am worried about is if I move out now, will she say (or not tell me at all) that she's not going to room with me after this year. I need that money, I can't afford it without the money from my room refund.
And yes, I do think she would screw me over like that. I don't doubt it at all. Even though she would be gaining by it, I still am completely sure that she would be stupid and malicious and screw me over just out of spite because she doesn't think to do the math. And my question is: WHAT do you have to be spiteful to ME about?! Honestly, I have no idea. I know I have been bitchy, but anyone would considering the crap they've been putting me through. So I'm not even sorry about it.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pull out the right amount of money every time I paid for something. I'd never have to worry about being broke or not being able to do what I wanted. No, money doesn't buy happiness or love or freedom or any of those really important things, but as long as you use it and don't let it use you, it sure doesn't hurt to have it. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. Maybe if I were rich, I would be a jerk. I don't think so, but maybe if I had never known what it is to not have money, I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So I guess it's a blessing that I know I can live without it and I know that it's a tool, not a way of life.
On another note: my other blog, if I start it, which I'm thinking I might, is going to be about religion. And don't make that face. That's not what I mean. I'm not preaching at anyone. I need people to preach at me. I just think that there HAS to be SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who's like me: who doesn't know the answers anymore and needs to find them, who is tired of people telling her why one thing is good and another thing is bad and not telling her why, who wants to know who God is and not just how to behave, who wants to truly test religion (all of them) and see if they are actually true, who doesn't want what "works for me" but what truly is. There has to be someone out there like that...who isn't insane and hosting a suicide cult.... So I'm probably going to do it. How I'm going to manage three blogs (my second is: Muse Ten Reviews and you should check it out if you like :) it's book reviews and such but for people writing papers it is very helpful and also there are going to be some other things, like video games and such once it's gotten pretty well established), I don't know. But its just so important to me to do this. I feel like I'm on this journey and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. I mean, how can I do this alone? How can I really, honestly do this at all? I need to write it. But (of all the things for me to be concerned about) what do I call it...?

All I Know is I Have to Get Out

I never knew I would come to detest my sister, my own sister, so much. It's amazing. I mean, before we moved in together, I knew this was going to happen: I knew OMGS (he's been demoted to SuperEgo, an idea he gave me ever so conveniently) would be here or she would be gone all the time, no matter how concerned she SAID she was about me, it wouldn't matter after we moved in. It probably didn't matter before either, actually. But aside from all the horrible, stupid things they've done (like her sending him in here when they both knew I wasn't dressed), I knew they would be obnoxious. I guess, since I expected their behavior for the most part, that's why I didn't realize how I would react to it. I never dreamed I would come to...to almost hate them....so much. I don't even think it's almost. I think I really hate them, the least little bit. I mean, the sending him in when you both knew I wasn't dressed thing....THAT was the point of no return I think. I mean I don't want to be unforgiving for what would seem to normal people, I suppose, like a minor offense. But she KNEW it wasn't minor. And it was so stupid that I can't even begin to comprehend what they were thinking if it was anything other than malicious intent. I think that if that hadn't happened, maybe I could go on for the next four years and pretend they were jerks but it was ok. Maybe I'd invite him to come with her to my wedding and I would go to hers. Maybe we'd go to each other's  houses for holidays and babysit each other's children. Maybe, years down the road, we'd still be friends, we'd still be sisters. But we're not. They crossed the line. They more than crossed it. I can't ever pretend they didn't do that. I can't make myself get over it, forget about it, I can't even beg myself to forgive them. It's like my anger and resentment toward them, especially for that, are gearing me in a direction I don't want myself to go, but I don't have the steering wheel any more. And I don't think I care. I don't care if the relationship is a one way train ride to hell or if she has a miserable marriage because she's acting like an idiot. I don't care if he does horribly on all his English papers (because he write terribly) and flunks out of college and can't rent her a trailer to live in. I don't care if they have personal problems, academic problems, religious problems, whatever. I don't care. I just want to get away from them.

Past Up to Here

Ok. I've had it. I've HAD it.
O.M.G.S. needs to get out of my room. Tell me this is not INSANITY:
He is here, every night, until AT LEAST 11 PM.
He is here every day, from about four.
He is in this room when neither I nor SHE are in here.
He was talking to her (AT WORK) on a WEBCAM at EIGHT FREAKING AM this morning WHILE WE WERE DRESSING, and she apparently didn't think this worth mentioning to me while I was brushing my teeth or changing my clothes or asking if you could see my panda covered underwear through my dress!
Are you really freaking serious?! What do you people think this is? A show girl act?! It's our ROOM! Our only place of privacy! And you are not only annoying the bad word out of me by having his presence saturate every single moment of what should be my alone time, you are getting mad at ME for being mad about it! How much more blunt do I have to be than "Don't screw around while I'm IN THE ROOM and he can't be in here all the time"?? Do I have to have the idiotic boy (BOY) kicked out of the building?! I mean holy freaking crap!
Don't say it. Don't you dare say "Just have a sit down and calmly discuss the issue with them; use lots of 'I messages.'" I tried that. At first I hinted, very subtly. Then I hinted, not so subtly. Then I talked to them separately, and of course, got assurance from both of them that there would no longer be a problem. Then, when there was still a problem, I talked to the together, very calmly. I again, was reassured that there would no longer be a problem. We'll go to his house on Tuesdays and Thursdays, they say (well at least that's SOMETHING, but I can't deal with this crap even three days of the week). There was, of course, still a problem. Then I talked to them separately again, with the same results. Then I started acting like a bitch. I mean telling random, practically strangers (to them at least) about their pitiful excuse of a sex life and how obnoxious they were RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM should have, surely, made them understand that they needed to freaking chill. But did it? OF COURSE NOT!
I'm exasperated. He's mad because I'm not sharing my sodas. Well, first of all, I would have if you had helped me carry them. But no, we walked back from the store and not only had I just paid full price (didn't half it with sissy of course, that would have been a financial burden to little miss I-have-to-pay-no-bills), but I carried them the whole back and it was raining. Is a carton of canned sodas really that heavy? no, it's manageable, but I'm tiny and I have no upper body strength and it would have been nice for someone (who was supposed to a freaking marine, yeah right, pitiful little whiny cockroach) to offer when I was so obviously struggling with the stupid thing. But whatever, don't even LOOK at my carton of soda.
I'm past trying to be mature about it. They're both driving me crazy and she doesn't even care that not only is he a total jackass, she's closely following in his footsteps. Well, if she doesn't care, I sure as heck don't have to. The stupid sister-type relationship can dissolve into the abyss for all I care. Then I don't have to ever invite his stinking tail over for Christmas and that is just FINE with me! I'm to the point that if I could move out, I would. The ONLY reason I haven't just marched my little hiney up to Housing is because I paid just as much for this room as she did (as opposed to the fact that HE paid nothing, therefore this is not his room, therefore he needs to get the bad word out of it) and my stuff and myself has just as much right to be here as she does. So SHE can leave if it comes to that.
I don't think it's too much to ask to have some privacy in your own room that you paid for. I mean I give them PLENTY of time to themselves. Do I ever get ANY alone time with my guy here? No. Do I ever get any alone time period? No. Can I ever actually sleep without hearing his stupid ringtone go off every five minutes all night every night and at 6-8 AM every single morning? No. Does she even bother to close the door quietly when she leaves to go see the creeping mother cusser? No. No she does not. She slams the freaking door every single morning. I don't want maturity anymore. I want vengeance. Petty vengeance. If anyone has any ideas how to drive them crazy without being able to be blamed for it, please share. >:)

I don't care. I know I'm being mean and a bit irrational but I don't care. They are horses' rears.