You guys know how I am about lists.
I have a bucket list.
I have a religion list.
I have a playlist.
I have a list of things that make me happy.
I have a list of things want to do for my wedding (of course, I have everything on that list lol).
I have a second bucket list.
It goes on and on.
Something I've added to my list of "Things that will never happen, even though it'd be freaking awesome" list:
Have these guys do my wedding. Or better yet, work there. I mean come on. This stuff is amazing. I mean, I know how they're managing to capture these moments, I know the techniques. But they're beautiful. And simple. Simply beautiful :)
I'm so jealous of all the couples on the page that have the money to get photos with these ladies. I'm not criticizing their prices by any means, it's just that I can't afford it. I mean, the photos and the video (which seems awesome; I watched one--I'm not sure how many they have up right now--and I cried; I didn't even know the couple) would be over $2,000. That's more than my whole entire budget. And, of course, you know I've looked through photographers. I mean I could just ask my boss to do it, but he's my friend. I want him as a guest at my wedding, not stressed out while he's there because he wants to a good job for me, because that's exactly what he'd do. And I love my co-workers, but Pinkie isn't interested in the actual photography enough to want to do something like that and as much as I love Mo, I just couldn't trust her to capture what I wanted and of course, I can't take photos during my own wedding. But luckily, that's a long way off so I have plenty of time to figure that out. It's just that feeling you get when you see the most beautiful dress in the world and realize you can't even afford to look at it. At least I have time to think about it. I really shouldn't be freaking out because for goodness sake, he hasn't even officially popped the question yet.
And I PROMISE I will put up that recipe this weekend! Pinkie swear!
Showing posts with label Awesome People in my Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awesome People in my Life. Show all posts
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thanksgiving Break
So bad news:
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
She brought her douche bag husband.
My grampa cried.
My back hurts.
The Sister is acting seriously b-i-t-c-h-y again. I can't say it because I decided to take the next several weeks to tone my vocabulary.
GOOD NEWS :)
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
LoverBoy and I put up our first Christmas tree.
He bought Dante a rain coat! HAHAHA
I finally have some food and room in the fridge to put it.
I have pictures!!!
I can't post them right this second though...
Thanksgiving was good. The food was good. The company was (mostly) good. The food was good. I got to see everybody and sleep til 9. The food was really good. And I made some of it. I'll be putting up another recipe later: Sweet potato biscuits. Sound funny. Taste YUMMY.
The Sister has decided that when she moves out, she's taking the fridge. Well I don't care, but you better believe you're walking your tail to housing and checking with them before you do it because I'm not paying for the darn thing just because you took it without them knowing. I really don't like her. And of course, when we got home, she was playing nice with everyone. Then as soon as I get up here this morning, she's being a jerk. I mean she's being something else but like I said, I'm toning my vocabulary. I just really want her to go ahead and get her crap and move out. And if I have to lose the micro-fridge to get rid of her then so be it. All I can say is, I better not have to move out because of her or I will throw down. I mean I'm not the one who broke the agreement, she is. She just happens to be able to pay for a private room. Just because I don't have that kind of money does not mean that I should get booted out of the building with no where to go and even less money than I started out with. This, this right here, is part of the reason I despise her so much.
I'm trying not to be bitter, but every time I think about it, it just leaks out. It sucks. I don't want to be angry and yet I can't seem to keep from it. I just want her to go.
Ok, coming later today, pictures of Dante and a yummy Christmas-time biscuit recipe. :D
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
She brought her douche bag husband.
My grampa cried.
My back hurts.
The Sister is acting seriously b-i-t-c-h-y again. I can't say it because I decided to take the next several weeks to tone my vocabulary.
GOOD NEWS :)
My biological mother showed up for thanksgiving.
LoverBoy and I put up our first Christmas tree.
He bought Dante a rain coat! HAHAHA
I finally have some food and room in the fridge to put it.
I have pictures!!!
I can't post them right this second though...
Thanksgiving was good. The food was good. The company was (mostly) good. The food was good. I got to see everybody and sleep til 9. The food was really good. And I made some of it. I'll be putting up another recipe later: Sweet potato biscuits. Sound funny. Taste YUMMY.
The Sister has decided that when she moves out, she's taking the fridge. Well I don't care, but you better believe you're walking your tail to housing and checking with them before you do it because I'm not paying for the darn thing just because you took it without them knowing. I really don't like her. And of course, when we got home, she was playing nice with everyone. Then as soon as I get up here this morning, she's being a jerk. I mean she's being something else but like I said, I'm toning my vocabulary. I just really want her to go ahead and get her crap and move out. And if I have to lose the micro-fridge to get rid of her then so be it. All I can say is, I better not have to move out because of her or I will throw down. I mean I'm not the one who broke the agreement, she is. She just happens to be able to pay for a private room. Just because I don't have that kind of money does not mean that I should get booted out of the building with no where to go and even less money than I started out with. This, this right here, is part of the reason I despise her so much.
I'm trying not to be bitter, but every time I think about it, it just leaks out. It sucks. I don't want to be angry and yet I can't seem to keep from it. I just want her to go.
Ok, coming later today, pictures of Dante and a yummy Christmas-time biscuit recipe. :D
Monday, November 21, 2011
On My Mind
One: I swear, I will write down some bad puns so I can start making not-funny titles for my posts again :)
Two: weddings. Seriously on my mind. I thought LoverBoy was going to pop the question that one weekend, remember? Well, as we know, that was a no-go. I was so disappointed but I thought maybe it would be a Christmasy thing. Maybe. And then his dad asked for his Christmas present: a pair of wedding bands for himself and his wife. They never actually got married. And I think it is SO SWEET and I'm really impressed that he would ask for something like that and I want it to work out, I'm even willing to throw in a little myself since they're going to eventually be my parents-in-love. But Man-O-Mine has a very limited budget AND needs new tires because his just started sucking way too much to ignore much longer. So that's about five hundred right there, then the wedding bands for his parents, then a normal twenty dollar gift for his siblings, his few friends and me.
Know what that means?
No ring for me.
Does that SUCK? yes. Is there anything I can do about it? no. So, as excited and subsequently disappointed as I was the first time, this is worse because I know it's not going to happen anytime soon. And by anytime soon, I mean in the next six months or so. And it's been four years. I'm not content with "dating" anymore. That's enough. But it's not something I can change without just decided that it's marriage or nothing. And I can't do that either. So I'm stuck here. I want him to want to marry me. And I don't want him to do anything he's not ready for and then resent me later. But I also don't want to try to be fitting into a wedding gown when I'm forty. I know we're young. But I want to enjoy our youth together, not waste it. At this rate, by the time we get married, we'll either have to rush to have kids or just not have any. I want us to have a few years to ourselves at least. Not years where we don't even live together. We aren't children. We've thought it out. We have a plan. He just isn't setting it in motion and I'm getting tired of waiting. I want him to be excited about spending the rest of his life with me. He won't even ask! I'm not bashing him, really I'm not. But dang it.
Anyhoo, I've been looking through wedding magazines anyway. If only I could afford this stuff, like a chocolate freaking fountain! You can just hold the strawberries under it and they get covered. It's the best invention I've ever seen! We always planned to do a fall wedding, and I love the idea because the weather is wonderful and everything but.... the colors... I don't love brown and orange for a wedding celebration. I was thinking something a bit more....colorful....
Two: weddings. Seriously on my mind. I thought LoverBoy was going to pop the question that one weekend, remember? Well, as we know, that was a no-go. I was so disappointed but I thought maybe it would be a Christmasy thing. Maybe. And then his dad asked for his Christmas present: a pair of wedding bands for himself and his wife. They never actually got married. And I think it is SO SWEET and I'm really impressed that he would ask for something like that and I want it to work out, I'm even willing to throw in a little myself since they're going to eventually be my parents-in-love. But Man-O-Mine has a very limited budget AND needs new tires because his just started sucking way too much to ignore much longer. So that's about five hundred right there, then the wedding bands for his parents, then a normal twenty dollar gift for his siblings, his few friends and me.
Know what that means?
No ring for me.
Does that SUCK? yes. Is there anything I can do about it? no. So, as excited and subsequently disappointed as I was the first time, this is worse because I know it's not going to happen anytime soon. And by anytime soon, I mean in the next six months or so. And it's been four years. I'm not content with "dating" anymore. That's enough. But it's not something I can change without just decided that it's marriage or nothing. And I can't do that either. So I'm stuck here. I want him to want to marry me. And I don't want him to do anything he's not ready for and then resent me later. But I also don't want to try to be fitting into a wedding gown when I'm forty. I know we're young. But I want to enjoy our youth together, not waste it. At this rate, by the time we get married, we'll either have to rush to have kids or just not have any. I want us to have a few years to ourselves at least. Not years where we don't even live together. We aren't children. We've thought it out. We have a plan. He just isn't setting it in motion and I'm getting tired of waiting. I want him to be excited about spending the rest of his life with me. He won't even ask! I'm not bashing him, really I'm not. But dang it.
Anyhoo, I've been looking through wedding magazines anyway. If only I could afford this stuff, like a chocolate freaking fountain! You can just hold the strawberries under it and they get covered. It's the best invention I've ever seen! We always planned to do a fall wedding, and I love the idea because the weather is wonderful and everything but.... the colors... I don't love brown and orange for a wedding celebration. I was thinking something a bit more....colorful....
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I keep forgetting which blog I wrote on
But on the up side, the other two are doing well. I'm doing ok too. Found out the sister is moving out next term. Which is fine, but she didn't tell me and wasn't going to and if I can't find a new roomie, looks like I might have to move out AND pay up two hundred bucks for breaking my housing agreement by moving out. AND when I forfeit housing, I also forfeit half of my scholarship money, which means I may have to drop some of my classes. Great. It was a bitch thing to do. It was. And I cussed. her. out.
But I'm not mad. I got tired of being mad and it wasn't like it would fix anything anyway. And I got tired of worrying about it because that didn't help either. So now I'm just riding and it will work out or it wont and if it doesn't, something else will.
Anyhoo, yah. I've been thinking about youtube videos, tattoos and school (a little, on the side lol). And money. I been thinking about that alot because I just don't have any. I need money for next semester, for an apartment in June (maybe.....), for Christmas presents, for groceries and to save up. Why is it that I need so much money and yet I obviously cannot possibly acquire it? I have a minimum wage job that I can't work more than twenty hours a week in, but really I hardly get more than 11. I LOVE MY JOB. I just wish it paid better. I'm thinking about getting a second but it's really hard to photograph randomly occurring sports and have a normal shift at a diner...
It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok....
It will. Don't make that face at me.
I need a canvas. A big one. And paint. Lots and lots of paint. That would make it all better for a while at least :)
BY THE WAY:
AWESOME recipe coming soon. Just gotta get LoverBoy to give me the camera with my pictures on it. But you guys, I stuffed strawberries with cheesecake and dipped it in melted chocolate! O.O Yah.
And an update on my dad, it's going well :) Thanks!
But I'm not mad. I got tired of being mad and it wasn't like it would fix anything anyway. And I got tired of worrying about it because that didn't help either. So now I'm just riding and it will work out or it wont and if it doesn't, something else will.
Anyhoo, yah. I've been thinking about youtube videos, tattoos and school (a little, on the side lol). And money. I been thinking about that alot because I just don't have any. I need money for next semester, for an apartment in June (maybe.....), for Christmas presents, for groceries and to save up. Why is it that I need so much money and yet I obviously cannot possibly acquire it? I have a minimum wage job that I can't work more than twenty hours a week in, but really I hardly get more than 11. I LOVE MY JOB. I just wish it paid better. I'm thinking about getting a second but it's really hard to photograph randomly occurring sports and have a normal shift at a diner...
It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok....
It will. Don't make that face at me.
I need a canvas. A big one. And paint. Lots and lots of paint. That would make it all better for a while at least :)
BY THE WAY:
AWESOME recipe coming soon. Just gotta get LoverBoy to give me the camera with my pictures on it. But you guys, I stuffed strawberries with cheesecake and dipped it in melted chocolate! O.O Yah.
And an update on my dad, it's going well :) Thanks!
Monday, November 7, 2011
2 Posts 1 Day
I watched the Black Swan movie. Creeeeeeepy. *shudder* I mean I dont even know how much of the movie was actually happening and how much was just her being crazy. But let me tell you, that girl is crazy. CA-RAY-ZEE.
Been talking to JC almost all day. Im surprised he isn't sick of me yet. I think he's a little lonelier than he lets on though. Honestly, we don't even talk about anything. This is the usual conversation:
JC: Slacker
Me: I know.
JC: No you don't.
Me: But you do?
Yep.
Nope.
Always.
Never.
Never Land.
Nah.
Why?
Why not?
Too far away.
Nah. I'm tired.
No your not.
Yes I am. I'm going to bed soon.
No.
Well I'm not going right this minute.
Then go left.
smh.
It's pointless but it keeps both of us busy when we're dying of boredom and we both have company, albeit, pointless company. But we make good distractions for the other when the day just sucks.
In other news, LoverBoy has got something up his sleeve today...hmmmmmm. He's been so sweet to me lately. I mean I still can't get the boy to rub my back, no matter WHAT I do. But he's been being really thoughtful. Like he remembered I said something about wanting a night stand. I really did want one, but I'm sure I only said it once, like a passing thought. But he got me one. And my mom's birthday is coming up and since I didn't have time to finish painting her gift (a gardening station I fixed up from a work bench; I'll try to remember to get pictures), he painted most of it for me. He made it look good too. I'm impressed. But more than that, it's just so sweet. :) I'll have to do something for him this weekend. I don't know what. He's not hard to please, he's just hard to really please. Like he's happy with pretty much anything, but I want him to be happy because he's happy not because he's ok with something. He does that most of the time.
Been talking to JC almost all day. Im surprised he isn't sick of me yet. I think he's a little lonelier than he lets on though. Honestly, we don't even talk about anything. This is the usual conversation:
JC: Slacker
Me: I know.
JC: No you don't.
Me: But you do?
Yep.
Nope.
Always.
Never.
Never Land.
Nah.
Why?
Why not?
Too far away.
Nah. I'm tired.
No your not.
Yes I am. I'm going to bed soon.
No.
Well I'm not going right this minute.
Then go left.
smh.
It's pointless but it keeps both of us busy when we're dying of boredom and we both have company, albeit, pointless company. But we make good distractions for the other when the day just sucks.
In other news, LoverBoy has got something up his sleeve today...hmmmmmm. He's been so sweet to me lately. I mean I still can't get the boy to rub my back, no matter WHAT I do. But he's been being really thoughtful. Like he remembered I said something about wanting a night stand. I really did want one, but I'm sure I only said it once, like a passing thought. But he got me one. And my mom's birthday is coming up and since I didn't have time to finish painting her gift (a gardening station I fixed up from a work bench; I'll try to remember to get pictures), he painted most of it for me. He made it look good too. I'm impressed. But more than that, it's just so sweet. :) I'll have to do something for him this weekend. I don't know what. He's not hard to please, he's just hard to really please. Like he's happy with pretty much anything, but I want him to be happy because he's happy not because he's ok with something. He does that most of the time.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Oh the Controversy
I tried to post this the other day but Blogger was like "nuh-uh" and wagged its finger at me.
So basically, I burnt my thumb on a 410 degree flat iron and it hurt but most of my thumb print has returned :)
Now for the stupidity. The Sister and SuperEgo (who I've decided to rename Le Douche) "officially announced" their "engagement" on facebook.
Numero Uno, you've been engaged since June. Kind of interesting how you waited til right after your best friend gets engaged and right before your sister's (me) four year anniversary to tell everybody, huh? Not getting all the attention for once?
Darn. Well don't worry, you and Douche will have a great marriage for like 4 whole months!
Secondly, did you not feel the need to inform certain individuals before you told the whole world? I don't know, like OUR MOTHER, who I'm sure would have been very interested to know that you were getting married before all your facebook friends. Or, maybe your sister? Although you didn't have to tell me, I found out but it would have been nice to be among those that you consider important.
Oh wait, I forgot, nobody is important but you and Douche. Right. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Anyhoo, so I have a not so sneaking suspicion that I'll be getting my own ring quite soon. :D
And it's about dang time too! I mean excuse me, but you (The Sister) and Elso (friend) can get married and I been with LoverBoy since before you all even knew each other? AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
My sister wants to graduate with me and Douche and do you know why? So she can get married right before I do. That's her motivation for graduating college. Wow. Like you have nothing better to do with your life than spitefully try to sabotage my wedding. Really? Well you go right ahead. You're the one getting stuck with a complete jackass.
Anyway, I'm going to stop obsessively ranting about them and focus on how happy I am that this is going to happen! :) God, I'm so excited. I'm so freaking happy. You all will be informed quite shortly after it happens (I'm soooooo counting on this weekend)! I just can't curb my enthusiasm. *SCREAM* ah.
The apartment is a maybe (a probably maybe); the engagement is also (end even better) a probably maybe, I found dollar TV dinners that are fabulous (Alfredo, tortellini, pizza rolls, chicken flatbreads), I'm just happy. :)
Want to see the ring I want?
Have a great day guys :)
So basically, I burnt my thumb on a 410 degree flat iron and it hurt but most of my thumb print has returned :)
Now for the stupidity. The Sister and SuperEgo (who I've decided to rename Le Douche) "officially announced" their "engagement" on facebook.
Numero Uno, you've been engaged since June. Kind of interesting how you waited til right after your best friend gets engaged and right before your sister's (me) four year anniversary to tell everybody, huh? Not getting all the attention for once?
Darn. Well don't worry, you and Douche will have a great marriage for like 4 whole months!
Secondly, did you not feel the need to inform certain individuals before you told the whole world? I don't know, like OUR MOTHER, who I'm sure would have been very interested to know that you were getting married before all your facebook friends. Or, maybe your sister? Although you didn't have to tell me, I found out but it would have been nice to be among those that you consider important.
Oh wait, I forgot, nobody is important but you and Douche. Right. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Anyhoo, so I have a not so sneaking suspicion that I'll be getting my own ring quite soon. :D
And it's about dang time too! I mean excuse me, but you (The Sister) and Elso (friend) can get married and I been with LoverBoy since before you all even knew each other? AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
My sister wants to graduate with me and Douche and do you know why? So she can get married right before I do. That's her motivation for graduating college. Wow. Like you have nothing better to do with your life than spitefully try to sabotage my wedding. Really? Well you go right ahead. You're the one getting stuck with a complete jackass.
Anyway, I'm going to stop obsessively ranting about them and focus on how happy I am that this is going to happen! :) God, I'm so excited. I'm so freaking happy. You all will be informed quite shortly after it happens (I'm soooooo counting on this weekend)! I just can't curb my enthusiasm. *SCREAM* ah.
The apartment is a maybe (a probably maybe); the engagement is also (end even better) a probably maybe, I found dollar TV dinners that are fabulous (Alfredo, tortellini, pizza rolls, chicken flatbreads), I'm just happy. :)
Want to see the ring I want?
 |
| This is THE RING people. But even if I don't get this one, it's ok, "cuz it ain't about the bling on the ring," it's about us :) |
Friday, October 7, 2011
"Fall" in Love With...My Corny Puns :)
See, I'm so excited that the weather is changing, I can't help but say awful things like that ;) It feels sooooo good outside. I stayed with LoverBoy yesterday. It was nice. We took the dog for a walk (or rather, he took me; this is impressive because he's only about three months old...), we went to Petsmart and got some nail clippers and a doggie harness because he pulls on his collar til he chokes himself when he's on a leash. Anyway, then we went to his house and watched an hour long comedy act on youtube. The guy was funny but he was racist as all get out. I don't care what you think, but black people are just as (if not more...) racist as white people, who are just as racist as Asian people, who are just as racist as Hispanic people and so on and so forth. Everybody has hate, so just because you're a different shade of tan than me don't play like I'm a racist JUST BECAUSE I'm a different shade of tan than you are. Just sayin'. I don't like racism and I REALLY don't like racism when it's pretending to not be what it is. Anyway, but his non-race based jokes were funny.
We also talked about the apartment. It looks like it's not going to happen. Which makes me soooo sad. But I'm trying to be optimistic.
I'm reminding myself that my joy is about who I am, not what I have.
So, even though I'm not thrilled about this (because I'm stuck in this dorm room with her and SuperEgo and that attitude, and I was looking forward to having something of my own, and kind of the fact that I would be living next door to my boss lol), I'm just going to be positive. It'll all work out one way or the other and I have too much other stuff to be thankful for. Did I tell you about my sexy-shoes yesterday? I'll have to write again tonight and tell you about that! It was GREAT!!!
We also talked about the apartment. It looks like it's not going to happen. Which makes me soooo sad. But I'm trying to be optimistic.
I'm reminding myself that my joy is about who I am, not what I have.
So, even though I'm not thrilled about this (because I'm stuck in this dorm room with her and SuperEgo and that attitude, and I was looking forward to having something of my own, and kind of the fact that I would be living next door to my boss lol), I'm just going to be positive. It'll all work out one way or the other and I have too much other stuff to be thankful for. Did I tell you about my sexy-shoes yesterday? I'll have to write again tonight and tell you about that! It was GREAT!!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
This One is a Mess
So I'm awful because I should really be working on some Spanish, but I just get like this...well, alot lately. I feel so behind that I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I have my good studious intentions then I aimlessly browse the internet and, apparently, blog about it. I don't even really have much to talk about. Got up, went to work, went to class, got an 85 (....-_-....) on my test, came back to my room. B. says he won't be moving in with me when I move out because if he moves out in December, they will charge him a penalty fee of $250. That sucks, but at the same time, I think he would still be saving money... I don't know. I'm going to try to keep the discussion open simply because I don't think I can bear living here anymore. I could always find another willing roomie I suppose.... I just don't know who to ask. I don't have any girlfriends. At least, not any I'd want to live with. My automatic first thought would always have been my sister, but since she's the person (or one of the two) I'm try to escape from so desperately, I don't think that would work. What I can say though, is that I believe she's talked SuperEgo into moving out of his dad's house because she heard me talking about an apartment... If he moves into the same apartment building.... can I get a restraining order on people for being jackasses? Pardon my language, please. But that's a completely serious question.
Anyway, so I'm really considering still moving out in December..it's just that from December to June, I can't pay for it alone. I HAVE to get a roommate. I'm even so desperate as to consider paying B.'s $250 to get him to move in with me (though I know I won't), perhaps if I pay the security deposit then we'll be even. I don't really think that it's completely fair to make him pay a security deposit on a place he may only be staying in for 6 months anyway... If I paid the start up fees on all the bills and the security deposit, I wonder if then he would be willing.. I'm asking him. I'm pretty sure he'd still be saving money and I just....I just have to get out of here. What I am worried about is if I move out now, will she say (or not tell me at all) that she's not going to room with me after this year. I need that money, I can't afford it without the money from my room refund.
And yes, I do think she would screw me over like that. I don't doubt it at all. Even though she would be gaining by it, I still am completely sure that she would be stupid and malicious and screw me over just out of spite because she doesn't think to do the math. And my question is: WHAT do you have to be spiteful to ME about?! Honestly, I have no idea. I know I have been bitchy, but anyone would considering the crap they've been putting me through. So I'm not even sorry about it.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pull out the right amount of money every time I paid for something. I'd never have to worry about being broke or not being able to do what I wanted. No, money doesn't buy happiness or love or freedom or any of those really important things, but as long as you use it and don't let it use you, it sure doesn't hurt to have it. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. Maybe if I were rich, I would be a jerk. I don't think so, but maybe if I had never known what it is to not have money, I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So I guess it's a blessing that I know I can live without it and I know that it's a tool, not a way of life.
On another note: my other blog, if I start it, which I'm thinking I might, is going to be about religion. And don't make that face. That's not what I mean. I'm not preaching at anyone. I need people to preach at me. I just think that there HAS to be SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who's like me: who doesn't know the answers anymore and needs to find them, who is tired of people telling her why one thing is good and another thing is bad and not telling her why, who wants to know who God is and not just how to behave, who wants to truly test religion (all of them) and see if they are actually true, who doesn't want what "works for me" but what truly is. There has to be someone out there like that...who isn't insane and hosting a suicide cult.... So I'm probably going to do it. How I'm going to manage three blogs (my second is: Muse Ten Reviews and you should check it out if you like :) it's book reviews and such but for people writing papers it is very helpful and also there are going to be some other things, like video games and such once it's gotten pretty well established), I don't know. But its just so important to me to do this. I feel like I'm on this journey and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. I mean, how can I do this alone? How can I really, honestly do this at all? I need to write it. But (of all the things for me to be concerned about) what do I call it...?
Anyway, so I'm really considering still moving out in December..it's just that from December to June, I can't pay for it alone. I HAVE to get a roommate. I'm even so desperate as to consider paying B.'s $250 to get him to move in with me (though I know I won't), perhaps if I pay the security deposit then we'll be even. I don't really think that it's completely fair to make him pay a security deposit on a place he may only be staying in for 6 months anyway... If I paid the start up fees on all the bills and the security deposit, I wonder if then he would be willing.. I'm asking him. I'm pretty sure he'd still be saving money and I just....I just have to get out of here. What I am worried about is if I move out now, will she say (or not tell me at all) that she's not going to room with me after this year. I need that money, I can't afford it without the money from my room refund.
And yes, I do think she would screw me over like that. I don't doubt it at all. Even though she would be gaining by it, I still am completely sure that she would be stupid and malicious and screw me over just out of spite because she doesn't think to do the math. And my question is: WHAT do you have to be spiteful to ME about?! Honestly, I have no idea. I know I have been bitchy, but anyone would considering the crap they've been putting me through. So I'm not even sorry about it.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pull out the right amount of money every time I paid for something. I'd never have to worry about being broke or not being able to do what I wanted. No, money doesn't buy happiness or love or freedom or any of those really important things, but as long as you use it and don't let it use you, it sure doesn't hurt to have it. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. Maybe if I were rich, I would be a jerk. I don't think so, but maybe if I had never known what it is to not have money, I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So I guess it's a blessing that I know I can live without it and I know that it's a tool, not a way of life.
On another note: my other blog, if I start it, which I'm thinking I might, is going to be about religion. And don't make that face. That's not what I mean. I'm not preaching at anyone. I need people to preach at me. I just think that there HAS to be SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who's like me: who doesn't know the answers anymore and needs to find them, who is tired of people telling her why one thing is good and another thing is bad and not telling her why, who wants to know who God is and not just how to behave, who wants to truly test religion (all of them) and see if they are actually true, who doesn't want what "works for me" but what truly is. There has to be someone out there like that...who isn't insane and hosting a suicide cult.... So I'm probably going to do it. How I'm going to manage three blogs (my second is: Muse Ten Reviews and you should check it out if you like :) it's book reviews and such but for people writing papers it is very helpful and also there are going to be some other things, like video games and such once it's gotten pretty well established), I don't know. But its just so important to me to do this. I feel like I'm on this journey and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. I mean, how can I do this alone? How can I really, honestly do this at all? I need to write it. But (of all the things for me to be concerned about) what do I call it...?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Me, Me and More Me
Gosh, I'm so egotistical ;)
So two things:
1. I've just been informed that when hiring, a blog is fair game for employers to base hiring choices on. This is a very controversial topic, as some would like to defend their privacy or say that it makes it easier for companies to discriminate without admitting that that's what they're doing. Well, here's what I have to say to that: yes.
It is fair game. And it does make discrimination easier.
Boo-hoo. You put it out there in public, anyone can read it. That's not a violation of privacy. Same goes for me. Perhaps one day an employer will choose to not hire me because I said something on this blog--about my personal life, my religious preferences, my politics--that they don't like or agree with. Well, fine. I put it out there. I know people can read it. I'm taking that risk. I deserve to have this medium of expression if that's what I want (and it is) and no one will take that from me by threatening not to hire me. Let me make this clear: so long as I am the only one affected by it, if you don't like me for who I am, I don't care. I don't like you either. That's ok. Honestly, if I had a family depending on me and the only way to feed them was to stop posting on this blog, well of course I would. But just to make somebody like me or think I'm right for the job by pretending to be someone I'm not...well that's lying to my employer, my clients and everyone else. And I'm not into that. I'm hard working, I'm qualified (and will be) for what I do (and will do) and I'm a good person (though I make lots of mistakes just like lots of other good people). If there's something an employer needs that I don't fulfill then they shouldn't hire me, I would be the same way if I were hiring. That's life and I'm ok with it. This is me and I can work. I'm going to be the exact same person in an interview as I am on my blog, my facebook, my home, whatever. I don't change to make others happy or to deceive them. Ask my current boss. He knows me and he loves (in a boss-ly way) anyway. He knows I do my best and I love my job and he appreciates me for who I am. He gets that each employee is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. He's a great boss.
So a note from me to any future employers: I will do my job. Well. I will not complain about going to work (more than once every six months or so). I will not "fluff" my resume to include things I "technically" did (say for example, "did legal work for three months at ______ ______ Courthouse" when all I did was "volunteered for the summer at _____ ____ Courthouse to assist legal workers with paperwork, filing, secretarial tasks and court hearing overviews"). I want to be hired for the person and worker I am and can grow to be, NOT the person I am not and will have to pretend to be (while providing unsatisfactory work to my employers, clients, etc.) until I get fired for not doing my job correctly because I'm not even really qualified for it. I will NEVER play a race, gender, religious discrimination card. So when you interview me, you'll get me. But I can promise, you'll like what you see. And you'll want to hire me. I'll earn that. And when you hire me, twenty years down the road, you'll wonder how you ever got along without me.
2. For any general readers: I'm considering making (yet another) blog. I need an outlet for one specific thing and I'm really really thinking it would be a great idea to blog about because I want other people's opinions. Problems? Nobody reads this thing so who's going to read and comment on my other one? How can I get opinions if people don't read it?
So two things:
1. I've just been informed that when hiring, a blog is fair game for employers to base hiring choices on. This is a very controversial topic, as some would like to defend their privacy or say that it makes it easier for companies to discriminate without admitting that that's what they're doing. Well, here's what I have to say to that: yes.
It is fair game. And it does make discrimination easier.
Boo-hoo. You put it out there in public, anyone can read it. That's not a violation of privacy. Same goes for me. Perhaps one day an employer will choose to not hire me because I said something on this blog--about my personal life, my religious preferences, my politics--that they don't like or agree with. Well, fine. I put it out there. I know people can read it. I'm taking that risk. I deserve to have this medium of expression if that's what I want (and it is) and no one will take that from me by threatening not to hire me. Let me make this clear: so long as I am the only one affected by it, if you don't like me for who I am, I don't care. I don't like you either. That's ok. Honestly, if I had a family depending on me and the only way to feed them was to stop posting on this blog, well of course I would. But just to make somebody like me or think I'm right for the job by pretending to be someone I'm not...well that's lying to my employer, my clients and everyone else. And I'm not into that. I'm hard working, I'm qualified (and will be) for what I do (and will do) and I'm a good person (though I make lots of mistakes just like lots of other good people). If there's something an employer needs that I don't fulfill then they shouldn't hire me, I would be the same way if I were hiring. That's life and I'm ok with it. This is me and I can work. I'm going to be the exact same person in an interview as I am on my blog, my facebook, my home, whatever. I don't change to make others happy or to deceive them. Ask my current boss. He knows me and he loves (in a boss-ly way) anyway. He knows I do my best and I love my job and he appreciates me for who I am. He gets that each employee is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. He's a great boss.
So a note from me to any future employers: I will do my job. Well. I will not complain about going to work (more than once every six months or so). I will not "fluff" my resume to include things I "technically" did (say for example, "did legal work for three months at ______ ______ Courthouse" when all I did was "volunteered for the summer at _____ ____ Courthouse to assist legal workers with paperwork, filing, secretarial tasks and court hearing overviews"). I want to be hired for the person and worker I am and can grow to be, NOT the person I am not and will have to pretend to be (while providing unsatisfactory work to my employers, clients, etc.) until I get fired for not doing my job correctly because I'm not even really qualified for it. I will NEVER play a race, gender, religious discrimination card. So when you interview me, you'll get me. But I can promise, you'll like what you see. And you'll want to hire me. I'll earn that. And when you hire me, twenty years down the road, you'll wonder how you ever got along without me.
2. For any general readers: I'm considering making (yet another) blog. I need an outlet for one specific thing and I'm really really thinking it would be a great idea to blog about because I want other people's opinions. Problems? Nobody reads this thing so who's going to read and comment on my other one? How can I get opinions if people don't read it?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
We Face Things
 |
| Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death... |
But on another not, Love Boy came yesterday and it was so nice. It's days like yesterday when I can tell myself he Loves me and actually believe it. Other days, I let him say it. Because it makes him feel better for me to hear it. But...I just tell myself the truth on those days, after I go up to my room alone. But yesterday he came. We drove through the wind and the rain and got soaking wet and he brought me a pink plastic yard flamingo. I know you don't get it, but it's so sweet.
 |
| Featherstone: "And I am PINK!" |
But, as the name of the post dictates, there was another reason I had for writing. Lately (amazing since it's been only two weeks) I've been wondering if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, I love to learn. I love writing papers (yeah, I know...). I like college and I want the career path that I can get only with a degree. But I'm just so... I don't really know. I thought having Bugs here would make things better than they were last year, but... I'm still just so sad and scared and I feel like a failure all the time. It makes me wonder if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, it's not that I haven't adjusted to life, I mean this is my second year here, I get it by now. I really don't; I really don't know what's wrong with me. It's not the depression. I know that much. I remember the depression and it wasn't this easy. My stomach is ALWAYS in nervous knots, I feel lonely and I just wish he would stay up here with me. I mean let's be honest: we started the counseling to prepare for the things we would face as a married couple; but do you want to know what I really think? Why I think we really decided to stop going? He's not going to marry me. He's not. The way he's acting lately only makes sense if you put it in that context: He is not going to marry me. I don't know what changed. I really don't. It was this all of a sudden thing and it just...changed but the thing is I don't even know what it was that changed.
And yet, even though its becoming more and more obvious to me that he isn't going to marry me, he comes to see me and spend time with me and gets me a pink plastic flamingo. I don't really understand that, but what choice do I have? "You can leave," you say. No. I can't. And I never would. Why would I walk away and leave my soul standing there looking at me? I don't care what anybody thinks in this front: I Love him. And nothing matters in comparison to that. So no, I would never even consider leaving. But I just wish I knew what was going on with him.
 |
| ...I will fear no evil, for You are with me. |
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
We've Got Hawaii
So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY. Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY. Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Unorganized, Nonconstructive CHAOS
So we sallied up and moved in and it has been war, WAR I TELL YOU, all day long. wow. sigh. This place is a mess and I've only been here a few hours but it will be ok. We'll clean later. After we decorate. In a way I'm glad to be back. In a way I'm so dreading that fact that my tummy is in knots. Lover boy helped me move in and get semi-situated and calm and then went off to work and sis and her one man geek squad went to ration supplies. Ok he's not ALWAYS a one man geek squad. We just have issues. And one of my issues is when he walks past the car without saying anything, drives away and come to find out he's parked across the street from the building and I had to walk the entire way and guess what I'm carrying? TWO DUFFEL BAGS. And guess what he's carrying? A TEDDY BEAR, A BEAN BAG, AND A CORK BOARD. And I could have killed him if I'd had laser beam vision. But whatever. I'm over it now cuz he parked my car for me. So yah. Now I've practically given up trying to straighten/clean/decorate/move in since it seems to be a futile effort and I have til Monday anyway. I think I might take a nap.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Still Wishing I had Tulips, But at least I'm Losing my Bleeding Heart
Bad puns, I know. But I love my craptastic puns. So me and my teacher and her husband made fried green tomatoes and baked tomatoes and squash and we've been boiling some peanuts for about 4 hours now... But they are gonna be GOOD when they are done. Hooray for Mr. R!! :)
So, me and my guy didn't see each other today but we talked a little throughout the day and it was nice. It was reassuring. I think my boss knows that something is up with me; he had a PR meeting today that he didn't go to. I don't know how he knows but he knows I don't like to be alone. I remember one week he had to be gone all week and I was in the office by myself every day and that's ok it's just a few hours a day and I can handle most stuff that comes in by myself but I guess he just knew that wasn't a great week for me. It was like he even felt BAD that he'd had to leave me alone for a little while. Its funny. I mean I can handle a few hours a day sitting in the office, so I don't know why he felt that way but he seemed to be really sorry about it. But anyway he didn't go to his PR meeting (which would have lasted from 9 til like 4:30).
I think I did really well the few times people came in when he wasn't there. I was social and cheery and made conversation, which is great for our PR but just weird for me; I hate being alone but I'm about as social-butterfly-ish as a worm. Not a caterpillar, a worm. By the way, did you know a caterpillar has 228 separate muscles just in its head? Don't even ask me why I know that. But now if you're ever on jeopardy, maybe that will your million dollar question and you'll get it right. :)
And now, while we're waiting two more hours on the boiled peanuts, we're watching Anger Management. Let me warn you, if your having a boiled peanuts craving, just buy a can if the produce stand isn't open.
I should change the name of this post to "I still don't have my tulips and I don't have peanuts either." But I can't because if I do then my crappy puns will make even less sense.
So, me and my guy didn't see each other today but we talked a little throughout the day and it was nice. It was reassuring. I think my boss knows that something is up with me; he had a PR meeting today that he didn't go to. I don't know how he knows but he knows I don't like to be alone. I remember one week he had to be gone all week and I was in the office by myself every day and that's ok it's just a few hours a day and I can handle most stuff that comes in by myself but I guess he just knew that wasn't a great week for me. It was like he even felt BAD that he'd had to leave me alone for a little while. Its funny. I mean I can handle a few hours a day sitting in the office, so I don't know why he felt that way but he seemed to be really sorry about it. But anyway he didn't go to his PR meeting (which would have lasted from 9 til like 4:30).
I think I did really well the few times people came in when he wasn't there. I was social and cheery and made conversation, which is great for our PR but just weird for me; I hate being alone but I'm about as social-butterfly-ish as a worm. Not a caterpillar, a worm. By the way, did you know a caterpillar has 228 separate muscles just in its head? Don't even ask me why I know that. But now if you're ever on jeopardy, maybe that will your million dollar question and you'll get it right. :)
And now, while we're waiting two more hours on the boiled peanuts, we're watching Anger Management. Let me warn you, if your having a boiled peanuts craving, just buy a can if the produce stand isn't open.
I should change the name of this post to "I still don't have my tulips and I don't have peanuts either." But I can't because if I do then my crappy puns will make even less sense.
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