It's Raining Here

It's raining here
In this tiny town
It's raining here
It's pouring down
It's raining here
I should have bought rain boots
The End :)

This, my dear friends, is why I am not a poet.
I hustled my little bottom out to the parking lot to roll up my windows, then I raced back inside. Dripping wet. Now I'm sitting in my room , cold, eating Top Ramen and looking out my window at Mr. Sun who has decided to show up now.

I did my first two posts on The God Behind the Mask which is the blog I started that I put a link up about last night. You should check it out :) I love people who like to talk about ideas!!!

I'm having a good day. It's Thursday, tomorrow's Friday. It's nice. I have to work at 2 to 4 then I'm free today and I'm going to a debate tonight that I have looking forward to since this time last year :) Plus, LoverBoy txted me and told me that we have money to spend on groceries! COOK.ING. YAY! :D

Hope you all have a great day! I'll try to remember to take pictures of everything I cook this time!

I DID IT!

Ok I got brave and I did it! I have undertaken the journey of a lifetime and then some!

http://whoareyougod.blogspot.com/

This One is a Mess

So I'm awful because I should really be working on some Spanish, but I just get like this...well, alot lately. I feel so behind that I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I have my good studious intentions then I aimlessly browse the internet and, apparently, blog about it. I don't even really have much to talk about. Got up, went to work, went to class, got an 85 (....-_-....) on my test, came back to my room. B. says he won't be moving in with me when I move out because if he moves out in December, they will charge him a penalty fee of $250. That sucks, but at the same time, I think he would still be saving money... I don't know. I'm going to try to keep the discussion open simply because I don't think I can bear living here anymore. I could always find another willing roomie I suppose.... I just don't know who to ask. I don't have any girlfriends. At least, not any I'd want to live with. My automatic first thought would always have been my sister, but since she's the person (or one of the two) I'm try to escape from so desperately, I don't think that would work. What I can say though, is that I believe she's talked SuperEgo into moving out of his dad's house because she heard me talking about an apartment... If he moves into the same apartment building.... can I get a restraining order on people for being jackasses? Pardon my language, please. But that's a completely serious question.
Anyway, so I'm really considering still moving out in December..it's just that from December to June, I can't pay for it alone. I HAVE to get a roommate. I'm even so desperate as to consider paying B.'s $250 to get him to move in with me (though I know I won't), perhaps if I pay the security deposit then we'll be even. I don't really think that it's completely fair to make him pay a security deposit on a place he may only be staying in for 6 months anyway... If I paid the start up fees on all the bills and the security deposit, I wonder if then he would be willing.. I'm asking him. I'm pretty sure he'd still be saving money and I just....I just have to get out of here. What I am worried about is if I move out now, will she say (or not tell me at all) that she's not going to room with me after this year. I need that money, I can't afford it without the money from my room refund.
And yes, I do think she would screw me over like that. I don't doubt it at all. Even though she would be gaining by it, I still am completely sure that she would be stupid and malicious and screw me over just out of spite because she doesn't think to do the math. And my question is: WHAT do you have to be spiteful to ME about?! Honestly, I have no idea. I know I have been bitchy, but anyone would considering the crap they've been putting me through. So I'm not even sorry about it.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pull out the right amount of money every time I paid for something. I'd never have to worry about being broke or not being able to do what I wanted. No, money doesn't buy happiness or love or freedom or any of those really important things, but as long as you use it and don't let it use you, it sure doesn't hurt to have it. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. Maybe if I were rich, I would be a jerk. I don't think so, but maybe if I had never known what it is to not have money, I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So I guess it's a blessing that I know I can live without it and I know that it's a tool, not a way of life.
On another note: my other blog, if I start it, which I'm thinking I might, is going to be about religion. And don't make that face. That's not what I mean. I'm not preaching at anyone. I need people to preach at me. I just think that there HAS to be SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who's like me: who doesn't know the answers anymore and needs to find them, who is tired of people telling her why one thing is good and another thing is bad and not telling her why, who wants to know who God is and not just how to behave, who wants to truly test religion (all of them) and see if they are actually true, who doesn't want what "works for me" but what truly is. There has to be someone out there like that...who isn't insane and hosting a suicide cult.... So I'm probably going to do it. How I'm going to manage three blogs (my second is: Muse Ten Reviews and you should check it out if you like :) it's book reviews and such but for people writing papers it is very helpful and also there are going to be some other things, like video games and such once it's gotten pretty well established), I don't know. But its just so important to me to do this. I feel like I'm on this journey and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. I mean, how can I do this alone? How can I really, honestly do this at all? I need to write it. But (of all the things for me to be concerned about) what do I call it...?

We Face Things

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death...

So, I don't know if I already told you this, but I decided to stop ignoring Bugs. NOT because what they did was ok, because it WAS NOT. But I love her, and I won't let anybody's stupidity come between us (be it his, hers or even mine). So I told her so. I explained all that I just said to her. And what happens that night? Up comes O.M.G.S. and into the sack they go. Really? Like they couldn't wait fifteen minutes for me to go to work? Whatever. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this but one way or another, this is going to get dealt with.

But on another not, Love Boy came yesterday and it was so nice. It's days like yesterday when I can tell myself he Loves me and actually believe it. Other days, I let him say it. Because it makes him feel better for me to hear it. But...I just tell myself the truth on those days, after I go up to my room alone. But yesterday he came. We drove through the wind and the rain and got soaking wet and he brought me a pink plastic yard flamingo. I know you don't get it, but it's so sweet. 

Featherstone: "And I am PINK!"

But, as the name of the post dictates, there was another reason I had for writing. Lately (amazing since it's been only two weeks) I've been wondering if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, I love to learn. I love writing papers (yeah, I know...). I like college and I want the career path that I can get only with a degree. But I'm just so... I don't really know. I thought having Bugs here would make things better than they were last year, but... I'm still just so sad and scared and I feel like a failure all the time. It makes me wonder if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, it's not that I haven't adjusted to life, I mean this is my second year here, I get it by now. I really don't; I really don't know what's wrong with me. It's not the depression. I know that much. I remember the depression and it wasn't this easy. My stomach is ALWAYS in nervous knots, I feel lonely and I just wish he would stay up here with me. I mean let's be honest: we started the counseling to prepare for the things we would face as a married couple; but do you want to know what I really think? Why I think we really decided to stop going? He's not going to marry me. He's not. The way he's acting lately only makes sense if you put it in that context: He is not going to marry me. I don't know what changed. I really don't. It was this all of a sudden thing and it just...changed but the thing is I don't even know what it was that changed.

And yet, even though its becoming more and more obvious to me that he isn't going to marry me, he comes to see me and spend time with me and gets me a pink plastic flamingo. I don't really understand that, but what choice do I have? "You can leave," you say. No. I can't. And I never would. Why would I walk away and leave my soul standing there looking at me? I don't care what anybody thinks in this front: I Love him. And nothing matters in comparison to that. So no, I would never even consider leaving. But I just wish I knew what was going on with him.

But over the last few days, I've seen us (myself, him, Bugs even O.M.G.S.) face some things that people just shouldn't have to. It seems like there should be some way to prevent the unfairness of things that people have to deal with. And don't give me that load of crap about how "Life isn't fair." No. It's not. That doesn't mean you play off the fact with the statement. Saying "Well, life's not fair." doesn't make you a better person for stating the truth to someone who doesn't need it at that moment. An 8 year old kid hasn't eaten in three days and you wanna say "Sorry, kid. Life ain't fair, maybe you'll get something to eat tomorrow." There are some things people just shouldn't have to face, but they do. Every day. Everyone is a hero for that. Hopefully, we all have someone to lean on and get a hug from in those times. I do...

...I will fear no evil, for You are with me.

Physical and Emotional Violations

So first of all, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest because I am cussing mad. Bugs...no, hereafter she shall no longer be called by the pet name. SHE, she shall be referred to as SHE. She and One Man Geek Squad decided to go to the gym. Yay. I can actually have some alone with with MY boyfriend. Some alone time PERIOD. But no, as soon as Lover Boy gets here, they magically reappear (exercised out apparently from their walk halfway to the gym and back) and do not appear to be leaving anytime soon. So, Lover Boy and I leave just to get a little bit of privacy. We go shopping for a little while, get a bit to eat and come back and by now it's like almost 10PM, anything they wanted to do they should have done already and in all honesty, they should have got the bad word out and went somewhere else to do it because I haven't had my boyfriend in her personal space for a week straight. Anyway, when we get back, he's "sitting on the bed" when we finally get in the door. I'm thinking "1. If you were sitting on the bed, you should have got off your ass and unlocked the door and 2. If you weren't SITTING on the bed, you should have got your ass up because I texted the two of you and said we were coming." And this is the part where it gets so good, I'm bawling my eyes out like an idiot over it: I said "I'm going to change clothes" O.M.G.S. gets up to go in the hallway and SHE goes with him. I'm freaking changing clothes and SHE SENDS HIM IN. SHE SENT HIM INTO OUR ROOM WHILE I WAS UNDRESSING. And what happens?! THE thing I was trying to avoid athe entire time. The thing that made me so uncomfortable with him staying here all the time in the first place. He sees me in my underwear. I am not fully clothed and this idiot male is standing in my doorway WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN TO THE WORLD LOOKING AT ME. In case I didn't make this clear: I HATE MEN. I do not trust them. To me, they are all wife beaters, rapists, abusers, serial killers, whatever until proven otherwise and if anything, O.M.G.S. has proven to be someone I DO NOT trust. I would certainly never let him see me without any single article of clothing. My body belongs to ME. Not you, not HER, and not HIM. It is MY BODY. Its MINE. And SHE SENT HIM IN. She sent HIM in! She SENT him in! What the fucking hell was she thinking?! IT'S MY BODY!!! I cannot stress this enough! I have no personal space, hardly any privacy at all and the ONE THING I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT WAS THAT! AND SHE SENT HIM IN! Bitch. I'm just dying to get my hands on a baseball bat and a bar of soap (to wash my mouth out). I'm a wreck. I'm mad at them both. For being so careless or stupid or evil, whichever it was. I'm humiliated. I'm violated. I'm mad because I'm humiliated and violated. I'm hurt. I'm mad because I'm hurting. I'm fighting the desire I have to hate them right now.
And some of you are thinking "This is NOT a huge deal." It is to me. You don't know my whole life, just like I don't know yours. You don't downplay what another person is feeling because you never have any idea what they have gone through. If you did, or if you went through it yourself, it's most likely that you would feel and react the exact same way.
Anyway, that's the "I'm really pissed" part of the day. That's the part of the day that I'm trying desperately to get over so I can sleep.
The other part of the day.... well, I started thinking alot today. About truth. What if the God I Love isn't real? What if my whole belief system is not true, but merely a myth? I talked to Lover Boy about this and he had such an honest answer. No one judge him. Because if you truly looked at your motives, they would probably be the same. Even my motive is the same on a certain level. He said he was too afraid to not believe it because if it was true then he'd go to hell. Well, obviously no one wants to go to hell, myself included. But even more than that... if God isn't real... then this "being" that I Love so much doesn't exist. It's almost if someone has died. And he asked me "What if it's just a different god than the one we think?" And I said, honestly, that I would rather spend an eternity in hell than in heaven with a god I didn't know. I Love my Lord. But then I realized how ashamed I was. If God didn't exist, it wouldn't alter my life much. It would hurt my heart but it wouldn't change the way I live. That's not to say I'm so good that if there were no law I'd still be good. That's to say that I'm so bad, I act like there isn't a god even when I say I believe there is one. So how can I say I Love Him so when I do something that hurts him every single day?
But beyond that, even: There are things that simply do not make sense to me. Most Christians will argue with you (to the death) that the world is around 4000 years old. Scientists say the earth is older than that. Those two "truths" can't both be true. So which is true and what does that mean for God? For me?
The rituals God made his people live out in the old testament are so insanely similar to that of the g\Greeks. I mean have you read the Odyssey? It's...scary. It takes away from the Bible in a way. In a way that frightens me. And I went to the bookstore with Lover looking for some answers. Then I realized, no man can ever give me truth. Whatever he believes to be true, he will defend with all his might. He has his own agenda. His agenda isn't to find truth; it's to be right or to persuade me that his truth is true. So I can't trust a single word from man's mouth. So how do I find answers when I can't trust a single source? Even scripture. Who KNOWS that no one messed up? I can certainly see places where I see more of man than God in the written word. But with other scripture as well, the Quran, for example because I know of no other that can be compared with the Bible (not that that really matters, but just for "fair" argument's sake), could be just as wrong with no way to prove it either way. Who can put me in a time machine and show me all these things? How can I find truth when no one can have definite answers?
Don't think I have no faith. I've taken many leaps of faith and even know I trust that faith. I have not lost my faith in God for the sake of what could be a potential discrepancy. But my God is a Big God and He can handle my doubts; shoot, if He isn't even real then it doesn't matter that I doubt right? Or that I question. Question is a better word than doubt. Either way, that's just something that I was pondering today and I'm sure you'll hear lots more of that from me until I finally get at least a satisfying answer.
Did I mention also, how much I Love my boyfriend? I can't even begin to tell.

We've Got Hawaii

So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY.  Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.

Reflections on TRUUUUE LOOOVE. sigh. (And a shout-out. Heee-eeey :D)

So real quick: Checked my audience stats yesterday and saw that at this point, only ONE person has read a single thing I've written (if that). AWWWWW. BUT, that one person is apparently from Germany. OOOOOOH. So, I don't know if you will be returning, Person From Germany, but if you do: Hi! Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not "technically" talking to myself on this thing. You. Are. Awesome! Come back anytime and there will be a coupon waiting for you (ok that's just a lame joke, I don't have any coupons, and I don't know why you would need a coupon for a blog but whatever).

Ok now for my "Reflections on TRUUUE LOOOVE. sigh.". Well, seriously it's not a relationship thing or a mushy gushy load of crap. It's actually about love.

First, I feel the need to explain my "religion." After this, I will try to not call it that though. So, I am a Christian. (And the guy in back row goes "oh that's just frikin great".) Well, it is. But I do not like to call myself a Christian. The word has completely lost it's meaning. My best friend, B., called Christianity "The World's Biggest Book Group" and he is soooo right, at least as far as "civilized society" is concerned. If you are unfamiliar with the dynamics of REAL Christianity, the Biblical, unspoiled, un-'civilized', one and only true version of it, I encourage you to read the four gospels of the Bible: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as well as the book of Acts. It's not exactly light reading but it's worth it. And if you are completely anti-Bible reader, try Voice of the Martyrs, an extremely short magazine. If you still are very averse to reading of any kind, do some research or actually visit places in the world where my "religion" is illegal. You have 58 countries to choose from. I am not a Christian. I am a Follower of Jesus.
I am most certainly not a perfect Follower.

Here is exhibit A:
As a Follower of Jesus, I should Love everyone through the power, grace and Love of God himself. Very often, I find that I am not very good at it, nor do I always want to improve my skills in this area. I'm not being a horrible person, I'm being an honest person. Anyone, religious or not, will tell you that they have problems loving everyone.
I don't mean everyone as in a vague, distant population of a variety of people who live out in the world...somewhere, doing...something. What I mean are those people who you have "reason" to not like. At all. Here are my first few example of people I find it hard to Love (*I ask that no one take offense to this list if you are on it; you have people on your list, I may even be one of them and if we ever actually met, both of us would probably like each other quite a bit):

• Rich Kids with Stories
• I don't like it when people get every single thing they want and still think they have a reason to complain. Yes, deep down I know that EVERYONE is facing some kind of battle, but I despise the idea that a person can have everything and then I am forced to give them something I can with-hold from them out of spite, like sympathy or love.
• Rich Kids, PERIOD
• I have a cousin, who is stinking loaded and does not have a story. She is tall, thin, gorgeous, smart, likable and RICH. She has every single material thing she has ever wanted and her waiting period for said things has never been longer than the shipping time. Why people like this are allowed to exist, especially to be related to me, I don't understand. And it just makes me madder that to be such close relatives, not only do I look nothing like her, not only did my side of the family manage to not be in the same fancy-schmancy boat as hers, but her family is cheap and uppity and got my mom, FOR HER BIRTHDAY, a set of dish towels from FRED'S for $4.99.
• Asian Women
• This one sounds weird....I suppose because it is. But I have only ever liked one Asian woman that I didn't know and in all honesty I certainly do not go out of my way to make friends with women of oriental descent. Why? Because my boyfriend loves them. I don't understand why these dumb guys are all so taken with dis-proportionate anime cartoons but if you want to make your girlfriend's self-esteem drop lower than it already was, make it clear to her that if you could screw an Asian lady, you would without a second thought. See how she reacts when the two of you walk past the ideal Japanese girl in the supermarket.
• Evangelicals Who Don't Like Evangelicals
• You are, let's say for the example, a Muslim who is doing what you believe to be a good thing by bringing people to your religion. You truly believe that you are saving people. The...I don't know, the Jehovah's Witness next door to you truly believes that by going around and knocking on doors, she is saving people. She is angry with you for "pulling people into the darkness," she says. She wants the freedom to evangelize but doesn't want you to do it at all. Now there are a few levels to this but here's a basic rundown that makes us all a little less likely to despise people like this.
• This woman is genuinely concerned about people and truly believes she is doing what is best for them. You can't hate people who attempt to help others, even if their attempts are mis-guided.
• She considers you to be a threat. If people have a choice (believe in your god or hers), statistically, she will lose some people because you are sharing your beliefs too. She doesn't want YOUR misguided attempts to defeat HER misguided attempts. *Please don't take offense to the dramatization if you are a Muslin or a Jehovah's Witness.
• Now, I don't like people who are mean to me because of my religion but want to spread theirs to the ends of the earth. Its not right. I am a Follower of Christ and as such I am called by Him to tell people about Him. And I will, whether you like it or not. But I will never tell you that even though I think you're wrong, you're not allowed to tell people about your beliefs too. Not ok. What you think and believe in is important and I wouldn't be a jerk like that. But anytime you want to have a rational, constructive, thought-provoking discussion (NOT AN AIR-HEADED STUBBORN ARGUMENT) I would absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk with you about our differing beliefs and yes, be fore-warned, I will try to convince you of mine just as hard as you will [perhaps secretly] be trying to convince me of yours. I like questions that challenge my faith because they give me reason to think and validate the reasons I have to believe the way I do, just as, hopefully, you appreciate challenging questions. But also be warned, I will not be ashamed if I don't know all the answers. I'm still learning and even if I learned all I could, I couldn't ever know everything about God. And you can't either so I don't expect you to have all the answers, and if you "do" then I will seriously question your integrity as well as your belief system. I think about your questions after our discussion is over, just as I would hope you would as well.

Now, I'm not telling you all this just to show you what a lousy Follower I am or to make myself look like a jerk. I just want to be real and you should be real too. PERSONALLY, I don't have a problem with any of the people on this list (except my cousin's family...two houses, four cars and you get your mother a pack of cheap dish towels), but overall, I have a problem accepting these people. It's just something I'm working on, something that I think we should all think about in a very honest, real way and work on. So I hope nobody reads this and gets mad at me and tries to get revenge or anything, but I do hope you take it to heart and think about your list.