Showing posts with label This is Me When I Don't Know Who I Am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label This is Me When I Don't Know Who I Am. Show all posts
Monday, November 7, 2011
Another Nameless Post
That demonstrates how lazy I'm being, I suppose. I don't care. This weekend was long. Dad's in the hospital, though he's doing much better now. I'm losing my mind. We drove around last night listening to Christmas music for a while. There were, of course, no Christmas lights out, which may be what got me down in the first place. But either way, I feel like crap. I'm letting my circumstances define me. I'm not proud of that. But I'm also just so bored. I'm so bored with this way of life. I get up, go to work/school, come back, eat, do work, rant on here sometimes, go to bed. For fun, I watch a TV screen or read a book that does nothing except make life look paler or I go spend money on things I won't ever use. It's pointless. And I'm tired of it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
We Face Things
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| Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death... |
But on another not, Love Boy came yesterday and it was so nice. It's days like yesterday when I can tell myself he Loves me and actually believe it. Other days, I let him say it. Because it makes him feel better for me to hear it. But...I just tell myself the truth on those days, after I go up to my room alone. But yesterday he came. We drove through the wind and the rain and got soaking wet and he brought me a pink plastic yard flamingo. I know you don't get it, but it's so sweet.
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| Featherstone: "And I am PINK!" |
But, as the name of the post dictates, there was another reason I had for writing. Lately (amazing since it's been only two weeks) I've been wondering if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, I love to learn. I love writing papers (yeah, I know...). I like college and I want the career path that I can get only with a degree. But I'm just so... I don't really know. I thought having Bugs here would make things better than they were last year, but... I'm still just so sad and scared and I feel like a failure all the time. It makes me wonder if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, it's not that I haven't adjusted to life, I mean this is my second year here, I get it by now. I really don't; I really don't know what's wrong with me. It's not the depression. I know that much. I remember the depression and it wasn't this easy. My stomach is ALWAYS in nervous knots, I feel lonely and I just wish he would stay up here with me. I mean let's be honest: we started the counseling to prepare for the things we would face as a married couple; but do you want to know what I really think? Why I think we really decided to stop going? He's not going to marry me. He's not. The way he's acting lately only makes sense if you put it in that context: He is not going to marry me. I don't know what changed. I really don't. It was this all of a sudden thing and it just...changed but the thing is I don't even know what it was that changed.
And yet, even though its becoming more and more obvious to me that he isn't going to marry me, he comes to see me and spend time with me and gets me a pink plastic flamingo. I don't really understand that, but what choice do I have? "You can leave," you say. No. I can't. And I never would. Why would I walk away and leave my soul standing there looking at me? I don't care what anybody thinks in this front: I Love him. And nothing matters in comparison to that. So no, I would never even consider leaving. But I just wish I knew what was going on with him.
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| ...I will fear no evil, for You are with me. |
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Physical and Emotional Violations
So first of all, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest because I am cussing mad. Bugs...no, hereafter she shall no longer be called by the pet name. SHE, she shall be referred to as SHE. She and One Man Geek Squad decided to go to the gym. Yay. I can actually have some alone with with MY boyfriend. Some alone time PERIOD. But no, as soon as Lover Boy gets here, they magically reappear (exercised out apparently from their walk halfway to the gym and back) and do not appear to be leaving anytime soon. So, Lover Boy and I leave just to get a little bit of privacy. We go shopping for a little while, get a bit to eat and come back and by now it's like almost 10PM, anything they wanted to do they should have done already and in all honesty, they should have got the bad word out and went somewhere else to do it because I haven't had my boyfriend in her personal space for a week straight. Anyway, when we get back, he's "sitting on the bed" when we finally get in the door. I'm thinking "1. If you were sitting on the bed, you should have got off your ass and unlocked the door and 2. If you weren't SITTING on the bed, you should have got your ass up because I texted the two of you and said we were coming." And this is the part where it gets so good, I'm bawling my eyes out like an idiot over it: I said "I'm going to change clothes" O.M.G.S. gets up to go in the hallway and SHE goes with him. I'm freaking changing clothes and SHE SENDS HIM IN. SHE SENT HIM INTO OUR ROOM WHILE I WAS UNDRESSING. And what happens?! THE thing I was trying to avoid athe entire time. The thing that made me so uncomfortable with him staying here all the time in the first place. He sees me in my underwear. I am not fully clothed and this idiot male is standing in my doorway WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN TO THE WORLD LOOKING AT ME. In case I didn't make this clear: I HATE MEN. I do not trust them. To me, they are all wife beaters, rapists, abusers, serial killers, whatever until proven otherwise and if anything, O.M.G.S. has proven to be someone I DO NOT trust. I would certainly never let him see me without any single article of clothing. My body belongs to ME. Not you, not HER, and not HIM. It is MY BODY. Its MINE. And SHE SENT HIM IN. She sent HIM in! She SENT him in! What the fucking hell was she thinking?! IT'S MY BODY!!! I cannot stress this enough! I have no personal space, hardly any privacy at all and the ONE THING I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT WAS THAT! AND SHE SENT HIM IN! Bitch. I'm just dying to get my hands on a baseball bat and a bar of soap (to wash my mouth out). I'm a wreck. I'm mad at them both. For being so careless or stupid or evil, whichever it was. I'm humiliated. I'm violated. I'm mad because I'm humiliated and violated. I'm hurt. I'm mad because I'm hurting. I'm fighting the desire I have to hate them right now.
And some of you are thinking "This is NOT a huge deal." It is to me. You don't know my whole life, just like I don't know yours. You don't downplay what another person is feeling because you never have any idea what they have gone through. If you did, or if you went through it yourself, it's most likely that you would feel and react the exact same way.
Anyway, that's the "I'm really pissed" part of the day. That's the part of the day that I'm trying desperately to get over so I can sleep.
The other part of the day.... well, I started thinking alot today. About truth. What if the God I Love isn't real? What if my whole belief system is not true, but merely a myth? I talked to Lover Boy about this and he had such an honest answer. No one judge him. Because if you truly looked at your motives, they would probably be the same. Even my motive is the same on a certain level. He said he was too afraid to not believe it because if it was true then he'd go to hell. Well, obviously no one wants to go to hell, myself included. But even more than that... if God isn't real... then this "being" that I Love so much doesn't exist. It's almost if someone has died. And he asked me "What if it's just a different god than the one we think?" And I said, honestly, that I would rather spend an eternity in hell than in heaven with a god I didn't know. I Love my Lord. But then I realized how ashamed I was. If God didn't exist, it wouldn't alter my life much. It would hurt my heart but it wouldn't change the way I live. That's not to say I'm so good that if there were no law I'd still be good. That's to say that I'm so bad, I act like there isn't a god even when I say I believe there is one. So how can I say I Love Him so when I do something that hurts him every single day?
But beyond that, even: There are things that simply do not make sense to me. Most Christians will argue with you (to the death) that the world is around 4000 years old. Scientists say the earth is older than that. Those two "truths" can't both be true. So which is true and what does that mean for God? For me?
The rituals God made his people live out in the old testament are so insanely similar to that of the g\Greeks. I mean have you read the Odyssey? It's...scary. It takes away from the Bible in a way. In a way that frightens me. And I went to the bookstore with Lover looking for some answers. Then I realized, no man can ever give me truth. Whatever he believes to be true, he will defend with all his might. He has his own agenda. His agenda isn't to find truth; it's to be right or to persuade me that his truth is true. So I can't trust a single word from man's mouth. So how do I find answers when I can't trust a single source? Even scripture. Who KNOWS that no one messed up? I can certainly see places where I see more of man than God in the written word. But with other scripture as well, the Quran, for example because I know of no other that can be compared with the Bible (not that that really matters, but just for "fair" argument's sake), could be just as wrong with no way to prove it either way. Who can put me in a time machine and show me all these things? How can I find truth when no one can have definite answers?
Don't think I have no faith. I've taken many leaps of faith and even know I trust that faith. I have not lost my faith in God for the sake of what could be a potential discrepancy. But my God is a Big God and He can handle my doubts; shoot, if He isn't even real then it doesn't matter that I doubt right? Or that I question. Question is a better word than doubt. Either way, that's just something that I was pondering today and I'm sure you'll hear lots more of that from me until I finally get at least a satisfying answer.
Did I mention also, how much I Love my boyfriend? I can't even begin to tell.
And some of you are thinking "This is NOT a huge deal." It is to me. You don't know my whole life, just like I don't know yours. You don't downplay what another person is feeling because you never have any idea what they have gone through. If you did, or if you went through it yourself, it's most likely that you would feel and react the exact same way.
Anyway, that's the "I'm really pissed" part of the day. That's the part of the day that I'm trying desperately to get over so I can sleep.
The other part of the day.... well, I started thinking alot today. About truth. What if the God I Love isn't real? What if my whole belief system is not true, but merely a myth? I talked to Lover Boy about this and he had such an honest answer. No one judge him. Because if you truly looked at your motives, they would probably be the same. Even my motive is the same on a certain level. He said he was too afraid to not believe it because if it was true then he'd go to hell. Well, obviously no one wants to go to hell, myself included. But even more than that... if God isn't real... then this "being" that I Love so much doesn't exist. It's almost if someone has died. And he asked me "What if it's just a different god than the one we think?" And I said, honestly, that I would rather spend an eternity in hell than in heaven with a god I didn't know. I Love my Lord. But then I realized how ashamed I was. If God didn't exist, it wouldn't alter my life much. It would hurt my heart but it wouldn't change the way I live. That's not to say I'm so good that if there were no law I'd still be good. That's to say that I'm so bad, I act like there isn't a god even when I say I believe there is one. So how can I say I Love Him so when I do something that hurts him every single day?
But beyond that, even: There are things that simply do not make sense to me. Most Christians will argue with you (to the death) that the world is around 4000 years old. Scientists say the earth is older than that. Those two "truths" can't both be true. So which is true and what does that mean for God? For me?
The rituals God made his people live out in the old testament are so insanely similar to that of the g\Greeks. I mean have you read the Odyssey? It's...scary. It takes away from the Bible in a way. In a way that frightens me. And I went to the bookstore with Lover looking for some answers. Then I realized, no man can ever give me truth. Whatever he believes to be true, he will defend with all his might. He has his own agenda. His agenda isn't to find truth; it's to be right or to persuade me that his truth is true. So I can't trust a single word from man's mouth. So how do I find answers when I can't trust a single source? Even scripture. Who KNOWS that no one messed up? I can certainly see places where I see more of man than God in the written word. But with other scripture as well, the Quran, for example because I know of no other that can be compared with the Bible (not that that really matters, but just for "fair" argument's sake), could be just as wrong with no way to prove it either way. Who can put me in a time machine and show me all these things? How can I find truth when no one can have definite answers?
Don't think I have no faith. I've taken many leaps of faith and even know I trust that faith. I have not lost my faith in God for the sake of what could be a potential discrepancy. But my God is a Big God and He can handle my doubts; shoot, if He isn't even real then it doesn't matter that I doubt right? Or that I question. Question is a better word than doubt. Either way, that's just something that I was pondering today and I'm sure you'll hear lots more of that from me until I finally get at least a satisfying answer.
Did I mention also, how much I Love my boyfriend? I can't even begin to tell.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Pyromania
First off thanks to B. for introducing me to this song. It's on my "when I get pissed, I like to listen to these" playlist.
So basically, I don't know what's going on with me. And if any of you mothercussers say puberty, I'll hunt you down and feed you to Foamy the Squirrel. Seriously, I will. I will sacrifice you to the Foamy Cult.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I had this History class and one whole wall of the room was windows. I got A's on everything and my teacher loved me. The problem was, I was the most inattentive student he'd EVER had. I was past the doom and gloom early stages of depression and rushing head on into suicide contemplation on a daily basis. This was WAY before I was actually brave enough to tackle an attempt. But back to the windows. Before my teacher realized I would probably pay more attention if the blinds were down, I looked out those windows every day. Out in the distance, past the building, the school yard and that stinking road, there were so many trees. And no matter how hard I tried to look away and pay attention in class, I couldn't. I couldn't because every time I looked out those windows I saw myself, falling from the tops of every single tree. I would see myself on a limb, cowering at the height, then I would stand up straight and throw my arms out to my sides like I was being crucified and I would let myself fall backwards. I could see myself, from the classroom, just slowly falling through the air and I would pray that there was someone out there, under that tree, who could catch me. Who would catch me.
I looked out my dorm window today. I looked past the campus buildings and the water tower, and past the trees too, this time. I saw the fuzzy blue green outline of forest on the horizon and, again, I saw myself. I saw myself standing on the water tower and I was proud. I was strong. I was invincible and unafraid. And I saw myself in the air, over the horizon of trees, flying away. I was going where I wanted to. It was undisputed freedom. I can imagine that perhaps I flipped off a few people as I flew. It's not about what kind of day I've had. As far as that goes, my mood and circumstances certainly haven't been the best, though not the worst either.
I don't want to go back to the person I was in high school. And I certainly don't want to go back to the docile, doe-eyed moron I was before high school. But this girl, this girl who seems to be taking me over. I don't know her. She freaks me out. She's angry and rebellious and let me tell you, she loves to cuss people out. I hate her. I love her. She's free. But I won't let her out. I'm not so much worried about what people think as I am about this: Do I WANT to be this chic? Do I really? Am I willing to sacrifice who I think I might be right now for who I might be if I just let myself act the way she wants me to? I know it sounds like I have a split personality disorder but that's not what I mean... I'm sane, I'm just changing. And I don't know if I like it.
Take this moment for example.
What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, straightening up, preparing for class Monday and trying to avoid the jerk in my neighbors room. I'm verifying my feelings by listening to angry music and allowing myself the luxury of a cuss word about every 15 minutes. I also ate all of our chocolate cookies.
Want to know what I think I'd like to do? And the way I'd like to describe what I'd like to do? I'm putting this in quotes because its almost like I'm not even the one speaking anymore. Here goes: "I wanna get the hell out of here and go act like a diva or something. I wanna just get out of this stinking room and relish in the fact that I'm alone today and act like I own the f-ing world and all you jerks in it. I want to put on something sexy and walk outside and flip people the bird and maybe try a cigarette just for the hell of it and put my angry music on my ipod and listen to it all afternoon. I want to go hang a hammock in a tree on the quad and sing loudly and piss off all the people who hate my guts because dammit I hate their guts too!"
You see what I mean?? That is not me! I want that to be me and if I would just chill and let myself loosen up, that would be me. But I'm afraid to act like that. I'm afraid to lose my quiet, nice, smart self just because I'm mad or whatever I am. I'm afraid to grieve God. I'm not even afraid of that I just don't want to do it. I Love Him. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't have my life together, but I don't want to make it worse!
I wish I had wings.
And for those of you with an angry, rebellious streak, here's B.'s awesome song that he gave me. Enjoy.
Pyromania
And for those of you with angry, rebellious streaks, here are some songs on the list:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times already, but what the hell right?
Uncut Version, Just FYI
And just for the pure funny-ness of it: The "Happy" Song
So basically, I don't know what's going on with me. And if any of you mothercussers say puberty, I'll hunt you down and feed you to Foamy the Squirrel. Seriously, I will. I will sacrifice you to the Foamy Cult.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I had this History class and one whole wall of the room was windows. I got A's on everything and my teacher loved me. The problem was, I was the most inattentive student he'd EVER had. I was past the doom and gloom early stages of depression and rushing head on into suicide contemplation on a daily basis. This was WAY before I was actually brave enough to tackle an attempt. But back to the windows. Before my teacher realized I would probably pay more attention if the blinds were down, I looked out those windows every day. Out in the distance, past the building, the school yard and that stinking road, there were so many trees. And no matter how hard I tried to look away and pay attention in class, I couldn't. I couldn't because every time I looked out those windows I saw myself, falling from the tops of every single tree. I would see myself on a limb, cowering at the height, then I would stand up straight and throw my arms out to my sides like I was being crucified and I would let myself fall backwards. I could see myself, from the classroom, just slowly falling through the air and I would pray that there was someone out there, under that tree, who could catch me. Who would catch me.
I looked out my dorm window today. I looked past the campus buildings and the water tower, and past the trees too, this time. I saw the fuzzy blue green outline of forest on the horizon and, again, I saw myself. I saw myself standing on the water tower and I was proud. I was strong. I was invincible and unafraid. And I saw myself in the air, over the horizon of trees, flying away. I was going where I wanted to. It was undisputed freedom. I can imagine that perhaps I flipped off a few people as I flew. It's not about what kind of day I've had. As far as that goes, my mood and circumstances certainly haven't been the best, though not the worst either.
I don't want to go back to the person I was in high school. And I certainly don't want to go back to the docile, doe-eyed moron I was before high school. But this girl, this girl who seems to be taking me over. I don't know her. She freaks me out. She's angry and rebellious and let me tell you, she loves to cuss people out. I hate her. I love her. She's free. But I won't let her out. I'm not so much worried about what people think as I am about this: Do I WANT to be this chic? Do I really? Am I willing to sacrifice who I think I might be right now for who I might be if I just let myself act the way she wants me to? I know it sounds like I have a split personality disorder but that's not what I mean... I'm sane, I'm just changing. And I don't know if I like it.
Take this moment for example.
What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, straightening up, preparing for class Monday and trying to avoid the jerk in my neighbors room. I'm verifying my feelings by listening to angry music and allowing myself the luxury of a cuss word about every 15 minutes. I also ate all of our chocolate cookies.
Want to know what I think I'd like to do? And the way I'd like to describe what I'd like to do? I'm putting this in quotes because its almost like I'm not even the one speaking anymore. Here goes: "I wanna get the hell out of here and go act like a diva or something. I wanna just get out of this stinking room and relish in the fact that I'm alone today and act like I own the f-ing world and all you jerks in it. I want to put on something sexy and walk outside and flip people the bird and maybe try a cigarette just for the hell of it and put my angry music on my ipod and listen to it all afternoon. I want to go hang a hammock in a tree on the quad and sing loudly and piss off all the people who hate my guts because dammit I hate their guts too!"
You see what I mean?? That is not me! I want that to be me and if I would just chill and let myself loosen up, that would be me. But I'm afraid to act like that. I'm afraid to lose my quiet, nice, smart self just because I'm mad or whatever I am. I'm afraid to grieve God. I'm not even afraid of that I just don't want to do it. I Love Him. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't have my life together, but I don't want to make it worse!
I wish I had wings.
And for those of you with an angry, rebellious streak, here's B.'s awesome song that he gave me. Enjoy.
Pyromania
And for those of you with angry, rebellious streaks, here are some songs on the list:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times already, but what the hell right?
Uncut Version, Just FYI
And just for the pure funny-ness of it: The "Happy" Song
Squishy Window Stickers
Sometimes, I just want to be transparent so then at least someone, ANYONE, will understand me. But then I ask myself, so why don't you, if you need that so much? Well I just realized this morning that if I do that, then people (a few people in particular and one person in ''more'' particular) might not care. When no one knows what I'm feeling, I can chalk up the fact that no one seems to care to the fact that they simply may not know. If they know but don't care...I'm not strong enough for that.
I never realized that I was so fragile. I feel like a tiny porcelain doll, sitting on the edge of a shelf.
What if I fall?
I've been through a lot of things, a bad word of a lot. I've been abandoned by my biological parents over and over and over again. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally. I looked depression in the face and threw dirt in his eyes. He's chasing after me still but he's not the ball and chain he used to be. I can, GENERALLY, fend him off with a stick. Through all that and more, I developed a strength. I'm strong! I am.
Aren't I? Or do I repress more than I think I do? I just don't understand this feeling... I don't know how to handle being so fragile, so breakable. Is it safe for me to go outside and face ANYTHING? What's my limit? I could handle anything a year ago. I could look it in the face and if I needed to hide later, I could, under my covers or in my closet like a small child.
Maybe I've been this way all along and I just didn't know. I've cried so often. I cry at the slightest thing. Its like my triggers aren't even the triggers anymore, rather, things that simply REMIND me of the triggers set me off. How can I face the world like this? It's no longer just my chronic anxiety; this is full-scale break-ability. I have no idea what to do with it.
All that made me think of the squishy window stickers on my dorm window. They are transparent, so the light shines through, but they are tinted all these beautiful colors and no matter which way you look at them, even though you can see through them, you look AT THEM, not through them and you want to keep looking at them because they're beautiful. I wish I was a window sticker. If they fall off the pane, they don't break.
I never realized that I was so fragile. I feel like a tiny porcelain doll, sitting on the edge of a shelf.
What if I fall?
I've been through a lot of things, a bad word of a lot. I've been abandoned by my biological parents over and over and over again. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally. I looked depression in the face and threw dirt in his eyes. He's chasing after me still but he's not the ball and chain he used to be. I can, GENERALLY, fend him off with a stick. Through all that and more, I developed a strength. I'm strong! I am.
Aren't I? Or do I repress more than I think I do? I just don't understand this feeling... I don't know how to handle being so fragile, so breakable. Is it safe for me to go outside and face ANYTHING? What's my limit? I could handle anything a year ago. I could look it in the face and if I needed to hide later, I could, under my covers or in my closet like a small child.
Maybe I've been this way all along and I just didn't know. I've cried so often. I cry at the slightest thing. Its like my triggers aren't even the triggers anymore, rather, things that simply REMIND me of the triggers set me off. How can I face the world like this? It's no longer just my chronic anxiety; this is full-scale break-ability. I have no idea what to do with it.
All that made me think of the squishy window stickers on my dorm window. They are transparent, so the light shines through, but they are tinted all these beautiful colors and no matter which way you look at them, even though you can see through them, you look AT THEM, not through them and you want to keep looking at them because they're beautiful. I wish I was a window sticker. If they fall off the pane, they don't break.
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