The First Saturday of Many

He didn't come.

Of course, he didn't.

And just like I predicted, I am here. I am sitting in my room. Doing nothing.
I woke up at 9. I waited. At 10 or 11, I texted. I waited. I went from the bed to breakfast to the computer and waited. Finally, somewhere between 12 and 1, ding! You've got mail. Or a text message. Or whatever.
Please let the reader be aware that MY text said "Good morning, for when you actually get up." What I received was not even "good morning;" oh no, it was "something is wrong with my back."
Sounds serious don't it?
Well whats wrong?
I slept on a shoe. I can't come see you because I slept on a shoe and consequentially, my back hurts too much to move so I can't come see you. Because. I slept. On a shoe.

Fabulous.

Now, please understand: I am NOT upset because his back hurts.
I am upset because it is always something. Always something.
Every.
Single.
Day.

My head hurts. My arm hurts. My legs hurt because I am so obsessed with my image that I work out way too much even though I know better and hurt myself. Again. My stomach hurts. My brother's stomach hurts. My dad's head hurts. My mom's arms hurt. My lip hurts. My face hurts. My body hurts. My foot hurts. My ribs hurt because I dropped a box of fries on myself at work, so don't hug me. My eye hurts. My brother's leg hurts. My.....

And you get the point. Actually, you don't. Just like I am sure there is someone in your life who I would never understand what you mean about them until I met them, this is him to you.
Seriously, I have NEVER met ANYONE who was so constantly complaining about SOMETHING. I mean, no, if he's in pain I do not want him to just ignore it or pretend it's not there to appease me, but HOLY FREAKING CRAP; anybody in that much pain that often would be dead already. Or they would go to the doctor. Or they would put a little more effort into getting health insurance and THEN go to the doctor.

Let's be honest: No. I don't believe him all the time. In fact, he complains SO much that if I only believed him 10% of the time, I would still think he was in pain every other day at the LEAST.

And yes, I know I'm complaining.

And I don't. Even. Care.

So since the "surprise" non-visit was announced, I've been killing my brain cells with StumbleUpon, YouTube,  Facebook, and Blogger. I HAVE NOT done any of my homework, eaten anything healthy, read the new book I bought or studied. I haven't even left this room because I was PLANNING on taking a shower but I waited to long and now all these stupid MALES are in the building and I don't even want to deal with it. It's not even worth it. It's not like I'm going anywhere or doing anything or seeing anybody anyway right?!?!

I'm wrapped up in a quilt, typing this, about to start stuffing my face with ice cream sandwiches and coffee. The sorority down the west hall is singing. Its not their practicing time and they just KEEP walking up and down this hallway THAT THEY DON'T EVEN LIVE ON, just BUTCHERING good music. Plus I haven't spoken to HER since the whole "your freaking boyfriend saw me without all my clothes on because you SENT him into the room" thing. Which was what? Day before last? Yeah. Which sucks because she is my sister and I love her. But I'm so pissed off at her. I have, however, recovered from my irrational "get a baseball bat, a bar of soap and a garbage bag" anger, but have now moved into the rational "she actually does deserve to be slapped in the face and I never want to look at his face again" anger. Not going anywhere anytime soon. And, intelligently enough, the did not come in here last night. She left and went to his house. Its about freaking time. And AMAZINGLY, she left to go to his house this morning too and said she would be back tonight. Can you imagine how happy I was for the alone time with Lover Boy? Until of course, I found out he wasn't even coming. B. is at work today (which means he isn't even in TOWN) and, what an ironic coincidence, Pookie (that is not her real name but for anonymity's sake....) isn't even in this part of the COUNTRY. Wow.
Leave it to me, the girl who HATES HATES HATES to be alone, to be the one person in town today. Wow.
And to top it all off, I don't even have any paint to paint with....

I'm thinking I'll kill my brain with a few more hours of pointless YouTube videos, let Foamy the Squirrel make me laugh, clean up the room, get a shower and let Cee Lo Green, Avril and Simple Plan talk me into going out and buying some paint in something sexy.

Physical and Emotional Violations

So first of all, I just want to go ahead and get this off my chest because I am cussing mad. Bugs...no, hereafter she shall no longer be called by the pet name. SHE, she shall be referred to as SHE. She and One Man Geek Squad decided to go to the gym. Yay. I can actually have some alone with with MY boyfriend. Some alone time PERIOD. But no, as soon as Lover Boy gets here, they magically reappear (exercised out apparently from their walk halfway to the gym and back) and do not appear to be leaving anytime soon. So, Lover Boy and I leave just to get a little bit of privacy. We go shopping for a little while, get a bit to eat and come back and by now it's like almost 10PM, anything they wanted to do they should have done already and in all honesty, they should have got the bad word out and went somewhere else to do it because I haven't had my boyfriend in her personal space for a week straight. Anyway, when we get back, he's "sitting on the bed" when we finally get in the door. I'm thinking "1. If you were sitting on the bed, you should have got off your ass and unlocked the door and 2. If you weren't SITTING on the bed, you should have got your ass up because I texted the two of you and said we were coming." And this is the part where it gets so good, I'm bawling my eyes out like an idiot over it: I said "I'm going to change clothes" O.M.G.S. gets up to go in the hallway and SHE goes with him. I'm freaking changing clothes and SHE SENDS HIM IN. SHE SENT HIM INTO OUR ROOM WHILE I WAS UNDRESSING. And what happens?! THE thing I was trying to avoid athe entire time. The thing that made me so uncomfortable with him staying here all the time in the first place. He sees me in my underwear. I am not fully clothed and this idiot male is standing in my doorway WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN TO THE WORLD LOOKING AT ME. In case I didn't make this clear: I HATE MEN. I do not trust them. To me, they are all wife beaters, rapists, abusers, serial killers, whatever until proven otherwise and if anything, O.M.G.S. has proven to be someone I DO NOT trust. I would certainly never let him see me without any single article of clothing. My body belongs to ME. Not you, not HER, and not HIM. It is MY BODY. Its MINE. And SHE SENT HIM IN. She sent HIM in! She SENT him in! What the fucking hell was she thinking?! IT'S MY BODY!!! I cannot stress this enough! I have no personal space, hardly any privacy at all and the ONE THING I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT WAS THAT! AND SHE SENT HIM IN! Bitch. I'm just dying to get my hands on a baseball bat and a bar of soap (to wash my mouth out). I'm a wreck. I'm mad at them both. For being so careless or stupid or evil, whichever it was. I'm humiliated. I'm violated. I'm mad because I'm humiliated and violated. I'm hurt. I'm mad because I'm hurting. I'm fighting the desire I have to hate them right now.
And some of you are thinking "This is NOT a huge deal." It is to me. You don't know my whole life, just like I don't know yours. You don't downplay what another person is feeling because you never have any idea what they have gone through. If you did, or if you went through it yourself, it's most likely that you would feel and react the exact same way.
Anyway, that's the "I'm really pissed" part of the day. That's the part of the day that I'm trying desperately to get over so I can sleep.
The other part of the day.... well, I started thinking alot today. About truth. What if the God I Love isn't real? What if my whole belief system is not true, but merely a myth? I talked to Lover Boy about this and he had such an honest answer. No one judge him. Because if you truly looked at your motives, they would probably be the same. Even my motive is the same on a certain level. He said he was too afraid to not believe it because if it was true then he'd go to hell. Well, obviously no one wants to go to hell, myself included. But even more than that... if God isn't real... then this "being" that I Love so much doesn't exist. It's almost if someone has died. And he asked me "What if it's just a different god than the one we think?" And I said, honestly, that I would rather spend an eternity in hell than in heaven with a god I didn't know. I Love my Lord. But then I realized how ashamed I was. If God didn't exist, it wouldn't alter my life much. It would hurt my heart but it wouldn't change the way I live. That's not to say I'm so good that if there were no law I'd still be good. That's to say that I'm so bad, I act like there isn't a god even when I say I believe there is one. So how can I say I Love Him so when I do something that hurts him every single day?
But beyond that, even: There are things that simply do not make sense to me. Most Christians will argue with you (to the death) that the world is around 4000 years old. Scientists say the earth is older than that. Those two "truths" can't both be true. So which is true and what does that mean for God? For me?
The rituals God made his people live out in the old testament are so insanely similar to that of the g\Greeks. I mean have you read the Odyssey? It's...scary. It takes away from the Bible in a way. In a way that frightens me. And I went to the bookstore with Lover looking for some answers. Then I realized, no man can ever give me truth. Whatever he believes to be true, he will defend with all his might. He has his own agenda. His agenda isn't to find truth; it's to be right or to persuade me that his truth is true. So I can't trust a single word from man's mouth. So how do I find answers when I can't trust a single source? Even scripture. Who KNOWS that no one messed up? I can certainly see places where I see more of man than God in the written word. But with other scripture as well, the Quran, for example because I know of no other that can be compared with the Bible (not that that really matters, but just for "fair" argument's sake), could be just as wrong with no way to prove it either way. Who can put me in a time machine and show me all these things? How can I find truth when no one can have definite answers?
Don't think I have no faith. I've taken many leaps of faith and even know I trust that faith. I have not lost my faith in God for the sake of what could be a potential discrepancy. But my God is a Big God and He can handle my doubts; shoot, if He isn't even real then it doesn't matter that I doubt right? Or that I question. Question is a better word than doubt. Either way, that's just something that I was pondering today and I'm sure you'll hear lots more of that from me until I finally get at least a satisfying answer.
Did I mention also, how much I Love my boyfriend? I can't even begin to tell.

We've Got Hawaii

So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY.  Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.

Bi-polar and Other Disorders I Discovered I Have

So I found out today that when I went to that jerk faced doctor a couple years ago, I was right! I was not making up that pain in my chest! I had NO NEED WHATSOEVER for the stupid pregnancy test he gave me! I was having (am still having...) panic attacks. SO THERE MEAN DOCTOR! I WAS NOT MAKING IT UP!  And the bi-polar thing, I'm not that, never thought I was, just is a good description of my day. I got to work out. Freaking yay! I missed the gym soooo much. So I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Let me tell you guy: screw losing weight and screw looking good when you're sweaty or whatever it is. Go to the gym and once you get the hang of it you will feel so much better every single day. I released SO MUCH stress and tension and bad feelings and anger and sadness. The gym is a wonderful thing people.
I'll tell you what I do miss though: my lover boy. I do.
I just want to, dare I say it, cuddle. I want to cuddle him to near death.
But I'll see him soon.
Oh, and NEVER call tech support for a problem. I did today. Big mistake. Tomorrow I shall provide links to all the Foamy the Squirrel Tech Support Cartoons and you shall love them!

Sex and Other Topics of Conversation

First of all (and ironically enough) I went to church with teach, sis and one man geek squad and as much as the latter two annoyed me with their constant talking, I enjoyed it. It was nice to be a part of community. Especially a part of one that doesn't insist on acting like I'm less important than she is even though I do twice as much. But whatever. The best thing about it, however, was not their innocence but the fact that it was completely Biblical based. The man said nothing that I could not see right before my very eyes right as he was saying it. It was wonderful and full of truth and everyone was very nice and I'm going back tonight.
In other news, my sister/roommate and her one man geek squad boyfriend are pissing me off. Excuse my language please I beg you but I want to just turn around and say "You. Shut the fuck up and if you can't stop screwing around then get a hotel room or go sit in your car but stop screwing around on our closet and playing your obnoxiously played music at night and keeping me awake as if the sound of your computer speakers will cover the sounds of your pathetic sex life. Shut. The fuck. Up. And stop freaking coming in here every day. I get that you don't want to be at home all the time but guess what neither did we so you wanna know what we did? We worked our tails off and got enough money to freaking live on campus and if you would get out of your freaking parents' house then that would solve everybody's problems: you could both go screw off in your room."
Seriously, I profusely apologize for the horrible dirty language but oh my gosh they are so annoying. I'm seriously contemplating killing them and burying them in the flower beds outside. Ok not really but holy freaking crap.
Is this addressed anywhere in The Naked Roommate? I'm not reading that whole thing for this because honestly, it won't shut these two up. They apparently argued with another couple (that they're friends with) because sis and O.M.G.S. thought they were too annoying with the all over each other puppy love. I was like......yaaaaaaah.
Now he's just finished reorganizing her side of the room (that is, after they actually got off the freaking bed. Did I mention it was like 3 PM?!) and he says "I can do your side if you like." First of all, that is OUR desk, not HER desk or YOUR desk and if you messed something up I am going to change it and second of all BAD WORD NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TOUCHING MY STUFF. You already unplugged my alarm clock for goodness knows WHAT reason and you brought your stinking TV the other day. And the music I'm trying to play to drown out the sound of them talking keeps stopping because our internet is being a crack head.

I'm trying not to be a hypocritical jerk by saying bad words about them and then talking about how I'm happy to be able to go to church. And I know that I am. But I dare you to spend as much time with them as I have the last few days. And don't a single one of you mothercussers say "Well just go somewhere else, you don't have to be in there." OK IT'S MY ROOM TOO AND I HAVE JUST AS MUCH OF A RIGHT TO BE IN HERE AS SHE DOES AND MUCH MORE SO THAN HE DOES. ITS MY ROOM, ITS MY FREAKING PLACE OF REFUGE AND SHELTER AND THEY ARE TURNING IT INTO AN ANNOYING WHORE HOUSE AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED CLASSES YET!!

I'm going to try to amuse myself....possibly by being a jackwagon and reorganizing the desk back to the way we had it before genius over here decided to screw around not with just her stuff but with my stuff too.

Unorganized, Nonconstructive CHAOS

So we sallied up and moved in and it has been war, WAR I TELL YOU, all day long. wow. sigh. This place is a mess and I've only been here a few hours but it will be ok. We'll clean later. After we decorate. In a way I'm glad to be back. In a way I'm so dreading that fact that my tummy is in knots. Lover boy helped me move in and get semi-situated and calm and then went off to work and sis and her one man geek squad went to ration supplies. Ok he's not ALWAYS a one man geek squad. We just have issues. And one of my issues is when he walks past the car without saying anything, drives away and come to find out he's parked across the street from the building and I had to walk the entire way and guess what I'm carrying? TWO DUFFEL BAGS. And guess what he's carrying? A TEDDY BEAR, A BEAN BAG, AND A CORK BOARD. And I could have killed him if I'd had laser beam vision. But whatever. I'm over it now cuz he parked my car for me. So yah. Now I've practically given up trying to straighten/clean/decorate/move in since it seems to be a futile effort and I have til Monday anyway. I think I might take a nap.