I Ranted Today

So, remember how I said that I had a not so sneaking suspicion that I'd have a ring next week? Well I told my boss that that was why I couldn't work. In his excitement (I suppose) he told my co-worker, who (for Lord knows what reason) told The Sister and Le Douche. *Hand on My Forehead.*Anyway, so his response is to get mad, say "Well, I did it first." and walk away. Well at first I was very, very angry. I mean who the bad word cares about what you did and when you did it? This ain't got nothing to do with your stupid self. And I said some bad words, all about them (what exactly, EXACTLY, they were and just where they could go, how they could get there and what they could do when they got there....) but after I ranted a bit and fumed for about twenty or thirty minutes, I realized I was being stupid. I was just making it into a bigger deal, which is what they were meaning for it to be. So I stepped back and actually processed my second thought on the situation. How pathetic. I mean, what does that one statement say about these two relationships?

About The Sister and Le Douche that statement says:

• They are completely insecure in their relationship
• They compare their relationship to ours
• They are somehow dependent on the success or failures of our relationship
• They see the relationship as a competition
• In this imaginary competition it is more important for them to "win" than it is for them to be together
• This reduces their relationship to meaning practically nothing
• That's really sad

About LoverBoy and I, that statement says:

•     
•       
•       
•    
•        
•     
•        

So, I decided I wasn't upset anymore, because me letting myself be upset only means that I value what they think and that what they think matters. But that's not true. I value their opinions probably less than any other person's that I know (those that I very much dislike are included in this category). And if they told me what they thought about my relationship, would it affect anything? No. So I let it go.

I feel....proud. Proud that I got myself under control and thought about it logically and that I was able to come back to my room, look her straight in the face and not get even the teeniest bit angry or even annoyed.

I don't want to use the word "victory" as in I've beaten them, but more-so that I've beaten my attitude, if only a small bit. 

Immaturely enough, I feel like having a party: the theme should be "I took a step up on the maturity ladder" lol

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night (or whatever time it is where you are).

I Need an Attitude Adjustment

So no matter what I think is true in the end of this journey, I know there is God and I know He is Love.
My problem is that I can't get over how much I despise The Sister and Le Douche. Stop pretending to be asleep, put it back in your pants (and keep it there) and get out.
Yet, how am I an better by acting and thinking the way I do? I'm not. So, I'm going to try to....be a bigger person I guess.
We'll see how it goes.....
Wish me luck.
On another note, B. and I went around town today apartment hunting and the more we tentatively plan things around moving in together, the surer I get that it's a bad idea. I mean I was as up front with him as I felt was tactful. I said that if he found something he liked and could afford, he shouldn't worry about me because if I found something LoverBoy and I liked and could afford that we would get it. I also told him (at the very start of our expedition today) that the goal isn't necessarily to move in together or get an apartment together but just to find something. I found one that I'm very seriously considering and he doesn't like it. And that's fine with me because it's something that I wouldn't want to share. I mean the two of us isn't a big deal (although I'm sensing it would turn into one eventually) and I told him upfront: This is NOT for me and somebody else. This is for me and LoverBoy and the only reason we would want a (A) roommate is to make it more affordable. But now B. is talking about him and his boyfriend. Well, I like your boyfriend fine, that's fine, but I thought I made myself very clear that I was pretty sure I didn't want him to move in. B's argument was that it would make it easier for him to afford since he is a server but hang on: I get minimum wage too and I get less hours than you do and then later I found out by slip of his tongue that his parents would be paying his rent. So.... not technically a lie but still deceptive so you can convince to live with yet another person. I mean, I also made myself very clear about the fact that MY (not B's, not B's boyfriend's and not even LoverBoy's) name is going on the lease. This place is mine. I made this all VERY, VERY clear and never said for sure that I was ok with so and so moving in and yet B has already practically got the boy packing. I feel like there's been a massive shift and I'm not ok with that. Sure, call me a dictator, but I don't care. It was my idea, it's my apartment. If you want one, fine, but there's no way you can just decide without me that someone else is moving into my apartment and that we're getting THOSE apartments (the most expensive ones I've seen and they aren't even in the freaking city!) and that nothing has to be unplugged because so and so is paying your bills. Well nobody but me is paying my bills and I'm not ok with all that and I'm not ok with you acting like it's all your decision. Let's be brutally honest here: I am getting an apartment when it is financially convenient for me. That was the plan all along. I am getting an apartment with my name only on the lease. Also been said all along. I am not ok with four people (one of which I don't know that well) living in my apartment. Also made very clear. I am not paying a ridiculous light bill because you refuse to unplug things. Made perfectly clear and yet was disagreed with. Why would you WANT to raise a bill for something you aren't even using?! More later.

Oh the Controversy

I tried to post this the other day but Blogger was like "nuh-uh" and wagged its finger at me.
So basically, I burnt my thumb on a 410 degree flat iron and it hurt but most of my thumb print has returned :)

Now for the stupidity. The Sister and SuperEgo (who I've decided to rename Le Douche) "officially announced" their "engagement" on facebook.
Numero Uno, you've been engaged since June. Kind of interesting how you waited til right after your best friend gets engaged and right before your sister's (me) four year anniversary to tell everybody, huh? Not getting all the attention for once?
Darn. Well don't worry, you and Douche will have a great marriage for like 4 whole months!
Secondly, did you not feel the need to inform certain individuals before you told the whole world? I don't know, like OUR MOTHER, who I'm sure would have been very interested to know that you were getting married before all your facebook friends. Or, maybe your sister? Although you didn't have to tell me, I found out but it would have been nice to be among those that you consider important.
Oh wait, I forgot, nobody is important but you and Douche. Right. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Anyhoo, so I have a not so sneaking suspicion that I'll be getting my own ring quite soon. :D
And it's about dang time too! I mean excuse me, but you (The Sister) and Elso (friend) can get married and I been with LoverBoy since before you all even knew each other? AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
My sister wants to graduate with me and Douche and do you know why? So she can get married right before I do. That's her motivation for graduating college. Wow. Like you have nothing better to do with your life than spitefully try to sabotage my wedding. Really? Well you go right ahead. You're the one getting stuck with a complete jackass.

Anyway, I'm going to stop obsessively ranting about them and focus on how happy I am that this is going to happen! :) God, I'm so excited. I'm so freaking happy. You all will be informed quite shortly after it happens (I'm soooooo counting on this weekend)! I just can't curb my enthusiasm. *SCREAM* ah.

The apartment is a maybe (a probably maybe); the engagement is also (end even better) a probably maybe, I found dollar TV dinners that are fabulous (Alfredo, tortellini, pizza rolls, chicken flatbreads), I'm just happy. :)

Want to see the ring I want?

This is THE RING people.
But even if I don't get this one, it's ok,
"cuz it ain't about the bling on the ring,"
it's about us :)

Have a great day guys :)

Where Am I?

I don't think it's been that long since I wrote here but in all honesty, I'm not super sure. You haven't missed anything though. I've spent every afternoon with B. and we've had a marvelous time. The only thing is, I'm sooo tired. I feel like I'm going to collapse and just have a narcoleptic attack at any moment. I'm sure boss man would love that. As awesome as he is, I doubt he'd give me any slack for that since it's my own fault to  begin with. I need to work on my deadlines. I just took an English midterm and my history midterm is tomorrow morning. And what are my plans tonight? To try a Coca-Colada (which is coconut rum and coke; I'm really asking for it). No, I'm not going to get drunk, I don't like alcohol. B is convinced he can invent a mixed drink I will like so the Coca-Colada is next on the list.But before that, we're going to the mall and I'm going to buy some more pretty stuff :) (I'm talking about underwear, shhhhhh).
Does anyone out there have a really interesting life? Is anyone a spy? Let's talk about your adventures.

Show Me the MONEY!!

So. I've been selected as a bridesmaid. I don't know if I told you that already. I have to find a nice cheap dress for the wedding and help the bride figure out some things, like where she's going to get married. And when. And what is she going to feed people. And those types of things. Exciting. Hard to budget. Good practice for my own wedding though. :) So, I need some money for all this fun stuff. I need a dress and some shoes and a camera (a real camera; I hate having to borrow a semi every time someone asks me to photograph something), an apartment and a dog trainer. Gah.

So my other cooking escapade. Just in case you liked the last two recipes, you'll be amused to discover that my third was a complete failure. It was salsa and queso for crap's sake. I messed up salsa and queso. I have looked EVERYWHERE for a recipe for white queso like they have in the restaurants and I couldn't find anything so I thought "Well, I'll try it and if I get it right then I'll put my own online so other people can find it." It was such a failure that my dog wouldn't even eat it. And you know how he is. He eats everything, chews on everything, tears everything up. But he would not, NOT, eat that "cheese" dip. It was horrific. And I said to myself, "well, at least the salsa is probably good; there's cilantro in it and fresh tomatoes and a jalapeno; it will be great!"
no.
no it was not.

I can invent Alfredo sauce to rival that of Olive Garden, but I can't make cheese dip and salsa. Damn you rotel!! Why do all the people I know only know how to make rotel?!

Yogurt Parfait

So, to go with our spring like entree, I also made a fresh desert: yogurt parfaits. And they were cheap. Only used three ingredients! So here's what I put in:
Vanilla Yogurt
Cereal with your favorite dried fruit (mine had blueberries AND strawberries; SCORE!)
Chocolate Chips

INSERT PICTURE I FORGOT TO TAKE OF THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS HERE

So here's how I did it:

Get a tall container and put a layer of yogurt in the bottom. Add a thick layer of cereal followed by another layer of yogurt and then a thin layer of chocolate chips. Your yogurt layers can be as thin or thick as you like, but I recommend your cereal layers be pretty thick so you get that yummy granola crunch, otherwise, your cornflakes will be mushy. Continue to layer until you get to the top or run out of food. Seal it and put in the freezer for about an hour.

Be sure to rinse out the container and don't dry it. That way the top will get frozen on to the container and you have to interrupt your boyfriend in the middle of his TV show to get him to open it. Twice.

 Scoop it out and enjoy immediately so its cold and your cereal doesn't get mushy as the yogurt thaws! :)

And you can't see my chocolate chips because we had to use white ones (but they were just as good as the milk chocolate ones).

Shrimp Pasta

So LoverBoy gave me some grocery money to buy stuff to cook whatever I like so I decided to make some shrimp pasta. It was nice and fresh and yummy :) So here's what I did.

You will need:

shrimp (or other seafood)

garlic powder/salt

butter

mint

mushrooms

cream cheese

tomatoes

noodles

First, you want to decapitate/de-vein/de-leg and (thaw and) wash your shrimp. 

Mine had to defrost in some water as well; this also keeps them nice and juicy while I'm prepping my skillet.

 To cook your shrimp, you want to set a skillet on medium-high heat and melt about a quarter of a stick of butter in it and add a little garlic powder; for those of you who must measure, I would guestimate about a half a tablespoon.

I've got on black crackle nail polish over green HD by the way ;)

 Now, because shrimp kind of create their own juice to simmer in, you don't really have to worry about them burning. You can move on to your next task: preparing the sauce.

You're going to want to "dice" about five or six mushrooms (yum) annnnnnddddd

This is what happens when you don't own a cutting-board and don't trust your counter-tops: you use the egg carton box.

 .....a few leaves of mint to give it that yummy fresh smell and flavor. Don't over-due it though. Three leaves should be enough.

The mint is on the right (the rosemary on the left was for another project which you'll hear about in a few posts. I got these herbs straight from the yard. Yum.

 At this point, you can start boiling your noodles (don't forget the cooking oil or they will stick to each other!). While that's happening, get that stick of butter back out and use about half of whats left from earlier. Put it in a boiler on medium-high heat and when its melted through about a teaspoon or so of garlic powder in. Then, add a half a box of cream cheese and break it up as it melts. Do not stop stirring for more than a few seconds at a time or it will burn. It makes quite a mess. Slowly add (while stirring) about a cup and a half of milk (adding more the thinner you want the sauce to be). When you add your mushrooms and your chopped mint, it should look smooth and creamy, about like this:

At this point, your noodles are probably done, if not, turn down the heat on the sauce and continue to stir occasionally. When your noodles are done, strain and put in a big bowl, add a tad more cooking oil to ensure there is no clumping. Clumpy noodles are gross :P. Add your shrimp.

Now the skillet you cooked your shrimp in, keep that just like it is and throw in some tomatoes, the kind that are kind of cut in triangular shapes (whatever they call that). Let 'em sizzle for a bit. Stir them around every now and then.

Now, when your tomatoes have that nice "grilled tomatoes from Olive Garden" smell, toss them in with the noodles. Mix it all up, put it in the bowls and go stir your sauce yet again. Ladle the yummy sauce onto the pasta (smell it?!) and enjoy!

Of course, if my presentation were better, it wouldn't be in a Tupperware but whatever. :)

More Boring Days

Spanish test. ew. Here's to not bombing it! *glasses clink*
 The debate last night was great. I guess the guy who won kinda made sense but in all honest his argument was seriously lacking. Rebuttal was great but really didn't make up for the bad argument. The two I was betting on made great arguments, somewhat pointless though they were...
Still..
One of my friends is getting married in December and she wants me (and JerkFace Sister) to be bridesmaids. Even though I still think she should wait to get married, I've been about as forward about it as I'm going to be and I am happy for her. Somewhat envious even. So now all that's left is to find my nice dress, help get things done, support her, and make sure she's the prettiest person there (which shouldn't be too hard; her dress is gorgeous and she only paid thirty dollars!). I'm excited. I'm heading to the thrift store (don't make that face, thrift stores are God's gift to shoppers) with my mom this afternoon to just look around. I'm excited. :) I'll definitely post pictures!

It's Raining Here

It's raining here
In this tiny town
It's raining here
It's pouring down
It's raining here
I should have bought rain boots
The End :)

This, my dear friends, is why I am not a poet.
I hustled my little bottom out to the parking lot to roll up my windows, then I raced back inside. Dripping wet. Now I'm sitting in my room , cold, eating Top Ramen and looking out my window at Mr. Sun who has decided to show up now.

I did my first two posts on The God Behind the Mask which is the blog I started that I put a link up about last night. You should check it out :) I love people who like to talk about ideas!!!

I'm having a good day. It's Thursday, tomorrow's Friday. It's nice. I have to work at 2 to 4 then I'm free today and I'm going to a debate tonight that I have looking forward to since this time last year :) Plus, LoverBoy txted me and told me that we have money to spend on groceries! COOK.ING. YAY! :D

Hope you all have a great day! I'll try to remember to take pictures of everything I cook this time!

I DID IT!

Ok I got brave and I did it! I have undertaken the journey of a lifetime and then some!

http://whoareyougod.blogspot.com/

Home-Made Chicken Pizza

Feel very loved, because I could be watching House right now. :)
This is how you make "Poor-People Tuscan Chicken Pizza"

You will need:
Pizza Crust
Chicken (Frozen, Grilled, Whatever)
Ranch Dressing
Cheese
Sauce (to be explained in-recipe)
Other Toppings of Your Choice
Pan, Cooking Spray, Oven (or Grill, I suppose) and all other such things, like oven mitts
OPTIONAL: A Partner to buy the wrong things at the store :)

Ok so here's how you get started. Raid the fridge for anything edible. Nothing? Decide you're going to be creative and make some Tuscan Chicken Pizza because that sounds freaking delicious right now. Call your boyfriend at work and say "Baby, would you be a dear and pick some things up for me on your way home so I can cook us something good to eat?" He'll say "But by the time I get home, it will be 10 PM. Will you really want to eat then?" Politely point out that if God never intended for us to eat at night, there wouldn't be a light in the fridge; he will politely reply that our light doesn't work anyway. You will respond with "Ok sounds great! I'll text you a list! I Love you!" Then hang up and start re-rummaging the fridge for useful items.
I asked him to bring me two red tomatoes, some pesto, some mozzarella, mushrooms, crust, spinach and garlic powder. He came home with mozzarella, mushrooms and crust. Hmmmmm.

At this point, if your chicken isn't cooked (because we use frozen fillets... I know, I know.) cover it in Ranch Dressing (I don't even like ranch dressing but this works!!) and stick in the oven to cook like 90% of the way.

Start on the pizza!

When you discover that you now have no sauce, reach into that little slot in the door of the fridge and pull out all those extra packets of taco sauce from Taco Bell. Spray down the pan with cooking oil and lay in the crust (we used the uncooked kind that pop out of Pillsbury cans :) Drip the taco sauce onto the crust in a "trying to even it out" kind of way. Don't worry, if you don't have any real sauce, trust me, this came out great! (If your boyfriend actually bought you some pesto, put that on as sauce too, but don't use all of it. Pesto is great until you eat a whole jar, it's a bit too much.) Also, if you have tomatoes (woe is me!) slice them into thin round slices and lay them on too! Tomatoes are SO GOOD when they are warn and cooked! (Someone remind me to tell you guys how to make baked "fried" green tomatoes! I know, it sounds horrible, but they are so good! I could eat them all day!)

Lay on the cheese. LOTS of cheese!! Then add as many mushrooms as you can possibly fit onto the pizza. Then add like 10 more. Save a few for omelets in the morning. :) YUM. Next, since the chicken isn't done yet, decide that you need more toppings....hmmmm. Oh I know! Get out that thin turkey sandwich lunch meat and rip it into little pieces and put it all over the place, and some bacon too. Bacon makes everything better!  (We were lucky enough to have some pre-cooked bacon that LoverBoy's roomie had bought, yay! no burnt bacon!). Put about as much bacon as you did mushrooms, if not more. But save some of that for omelets in the morning too!

Get the yummy, ranch drenched chicken out of the oven and cut it into pieces. Sprinkle it over the pizza. Think about how freaking good this would be if you had your darn tomatoes! Then, if you have garlic or garlic powder, sprinkle some of that over the top and some more cheese if you'd like.

Put the oven on about 475 and cook until the edges of the crust turn a nice golden brown (10-15 minutes) and when it comes out, give it a minute or two to cool so it doesn't fall apart when you cut it, then cut it and relish! :) This is an awesome pizza! When I get LoverBoy's camera, I'll put up the picture :)

I have no idea how many calories are in it, and I don't want to.
CAUTION: If you have a three month old blood hound puppy, he will try to kill you to get to this pizza. Please be careful, he likes to eat and he's a devil dog (but I'm sure you love him anyway) :)

Dante & Me

Ever seen Marley & Me? Great movie. If you haven't, you really should. It's really funny, sad ending and family friendly. But that dog. I can't decide if I'm smug about having a movie star's offspring or just annoyed. Dante is the worst dog ever. I'll be posting pictures later and a video to prove it! Oh, and LoverBoy and I made (mostly me, but he got the chicken out of the oven :D ) chicken alfredo. It was so freaking good. I used less milk and made the sauce thicker this time. YUM. I'll put that recipe up soon too. Tonight, I'm thinking a how-to for chicken pizza. We have a lot of frozen chicken... :)

It's Like Some Big Secret...

...at least, just from me.
SOMEONE is reading this... Who are you? :) I mean, don't get me wrong, it's exciting to think that my life is interesting enough for someone to read about (I mean really, that is freaking cool), but the curiosity is getting the better of me here :)
So I found out yesterday that I don't have to work this morning after all (which is freaking fantastic) but my poor boss does, so I'm thinking of cooking something so he's less grouchy next week about not having a day off. Of course, I'd be pretty darn grouchy too. I just don't want him to be grouchy at me. Ok my hot-pocket (ya hot pockets!!!) is done, so I'm going to eat and I'll be back later. Have a wonderful day you guys! :)

Sexy Shoes

So yesterday, I had a presentation to do. I don't have much self confidence, I don't have much self-esteem. When it comes to stuff like this, I don't do so well about being calm and collected. So what I did was decided that since I didn't have any confidence, I would fake it. So I put on my sexy shoes.

And I strut. And I rocked the world. So, I held my head up higher, I had guys actually stop and look at me and watch me walk by, I kicked butt on my presentation, and I felt so great. Then, at the end of the day, I fell down the stairs. It was sooooo funny! XD But oh my gosh, it hurt. But whatever. I didn't die :) It was worth it.

Then today, I been trying to keep that attitude up. Even though the apartment bit seems to be falling through, I been having a great day. I opened my mailbox today and found a check! YAY! :) That was nice. And my boss took me to look at the apartment today, even though, well you know. So that was fun. It was really nice too! Very cute and it would just be so darn nice! :D But we'll see.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys about my victory :)

Another victory I just won: She and SuperEgo left the room because I'm playing comedy central too loud. I mean come on, it's not like I'm vacuuming or slamming doors or yelling while you're writing a paper after you promised your boyfriend wouldn't even be here. Silly.

>:) 

"Fall" in Love With...My Corny Puns :)

See, I'm so excited that the weather is changing, I can't help but say awful things like that ;) It feels sooooo good outside. I stayed with LoverBoy yesterday. It was nice. We took the dog for a walk (or rather, he took me; this is impressive because he's only about three months old...), we went to Petsmart and got some nail clippers and a doggie harness because he pulls on his collar til he chokes himself when he's on a leash. Anyway, then we went to his house and watched an hour long comedy act on youtube. The guy was funny but he was racist as all get out. I don't care what you think, but black people are just as (if not more...) racist as white people, who are just as racist as Asian people, who are just as racist as Hispanic people and so on and so forth. Everybody has hate, so just because you're a different shade of tan than me don't play like I'm a racist JUST BECAUSE I'm a different shade of tan than you are. Just sayin'. I don't like racism and I REALLY don't like racism when it's pretending to not be what it is. Anyway, but his non-race based jokes were funny.
We also talked about the apartment. It looks like it's not going to happen. Which makes me soooo sad. But I'm trying to be optimistic.

I'm reminding myself that my joy is about who I am, not what I have.

So, even though I'm not thrilled about this (because I'm stuck in this dorm room with her and SuperEgo and that attitude, and I was looking forward to having something of my own, and kind of the fact that I would be living next door to my boss lol), I'm just going to be positive. It'll all work out one way or the other and I have too much other stuff to be thankful for. Did I tell you about my sexy-shoes yesterday? I'll have to write again tonight and tell you about that! It was GREAT!!!

This One is a Mess

So I'm awful because I should really be working on some Spanish, but I just get like this...well, alot lately. I feel so behind that I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I have my good studious intentions then I aimlessly browse the internet and, apparently, blog about it. I don't even really have much to talk about. Got up, went to work, went to class, got an 85 (....-_-....) on my test, came back to my room. B. says he won't be moving in with me when I move out because if he moves out in December, they will charge him a penalty fee of $250. That sucks, but at the same time, I think he would still be saving money... I don't know. I'm going to try to keep the discussion open simply because I don't think I can bear living here anymore. I could always find another willing roomie I suppose.... I just don't know who to ask. I don't have any girlfriends. At least, not any I'd want to live with. My automatic first thought would always have been my sister, but since she's the person (or one of the two) I'm try to escape from so desperately, I don't think that would work. What I can say though, is that I believe she's talked SuperEgo into moving out of his dad's house because she heard me talking about an apartment... If he moves into the same apartment building.... can I get a restraining order on people for being jackasses? Pardon my language, please. But that's a completely serious question.
Anyway, so I'm really considering still moving out in December..it's just that from December to June, I can't pay for it alone. I HAVE to get a roommate. I'm even so desperate as to consider paying B.'s $250 to get him to move in with me (though I know I won't), perhaps if I pay the security deposit then we'll be even. I don't really think that it's completely fair to make him pay a security deposit on a place he may only be staying in for 6 months anyway... If I paid the start up fees on all the bills and the security deposit, I wonder if then he would be willing.. I'm asking him. I'm pretty sure he'd still be saving money and I just....I just have to get out of here. What I am worried about is if I move out now, will she say (or not tell me at all) that she's not going to room with me after this year. I need that money, I can't afford it without the money from my room refund.
And yes, I do think she would screw me over like that. I don't doubt it at all. Even though she would be gaining by it, I still am completely sure that she would be stupid and malicious and screw me over just out of spite because she doesn't think to do the math. And my question is: WHAT do you have to be spiteful to ME about?! Honestly, I have no idea. I know I have been bitchy, but anyone would considering the crap they've been putting me through. So I'm not even sorry about it.
Sometimes, I wish I could just pull out the right amount of money every time I paid for something. I'd never have to worry about being broke or not being able to do what I wanted. No, money doesn't buy happiness or love or freedom or any of those really important things, but as long as you use it and don't let it use you, it sure doesn't hurt to have it. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. Maybe if I were rich, I would be a jerk. I don't think so, but maybe if I had never known what it is to not have money, I wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So I guess it's a blessing that I know I can live without it and I know that it's a tool, not a way of life.
On another note: my other blog, if I start it, which I'm thinking I might, is going to be about religion. And don't make that face. That's not what I mean. I'm not preaching at anyone. I need people to preach at me. I just think that there HAS to be SOMEONE out there SOMEWHERE who's like me: who doesn't know the answers anymore and needs to find them, who is tired of people telling her why one thing is good and another thing is bad and not telling her why, who wants to know who God is and not just how to behave, who wants to truly test religion (all of them) and see if they are actually true, who doesn't want what "works for me" but what truly is. There has to be someone out there like that...who isn't insane and hosting a suicide cult.... So I'm probably going to do it. How I'm going to manage three blogs (my second is: Muse Ten Reviews and you should check it out if you like :) it's book reviews and such but for people writing papers it is very helpful and also there are going to be some other things, like video games and such once it's gotten pretty well established), I don't know. But its just so important to me to do this. I feel like I'm on this journey and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. I mean, how can I do this alone? How can I really, honestly do this at all? I need to write it. But (of all the things for me to be concerned about) what do I call it...?

Me, Me and More Me

Gosh, I'm so egotistical ;)
So two things:
1. I've just been informed that when hiring, a blog is fair game for employers to base hiring choices on. This is a very controversial topic, as some would like to defend their privacy or say that it makes it easier for companies to discriminate without admitting that that's what they're doing. Well, here's what I have to say to that: yes.
It is fair game. And it does make discrimination easier.
Boo-hoo. You put it out there in public, anyone can read it. That's not a violation of privacy. Same goes for me. Perhaps one day an employer will choose to not hire me because I said something on this blog--about my personal life, my religious preferences, my politics--that they don't like or agree with. Well, fine. I put it out there. I know people can read it. I'm taking that risk. I deserve to have this medium of expression if that's what I want (and it is) and no one will take that from me by threatening not to hire me. Let me make this clear: so long as I am the only one affected by it, if you don't like me for who I am, I don't care. I don't like you either. That's ok. Honestly, if I had a family depending on me and the only way to feed them was to stop posting on this blog, well of course I would. But just to make somebody like me or think I'm right for the job by pretending to be someone I'm not...well that's lying to my employer, my clients and everyone else. And I'm not into that. I'm hard working, I'm qualified (and will be) for what I do (and will do) and I'm a good person (though I make lots of mistakes just like lots of other good people). If there's something an employer needs that I don't fulfill then they shouldn't hire me, I would be the same way if I were hiring. That's life and I'm ok with it. This is me and I can work. I'm going to be the exact same person in an interview as I am on my blog, my facebook, my home, whatever. I don't change to make others happy or to deceive them. Ask my current boss. He knows me and he loves (in a boss-ly way) anyway. He knows I do my best and I love my job and he appreciates me for who I am. He gets that each employee is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. He's a great boss.
So a note from me to any future employers: I will do my job. Well. I will not complain about going to work (more than once every six months or so). I will not "fluff" my resume to include things I "technically" did (say for example, "did legal work for three months at ______ ______ Courthouse" when all I did was "volunteered for the summer at _____ ____ Courthouse to assist legal workers with paperwork, filing, secretarial tasks and court hearing overviews"). I want to be hired for the person and worker I am and can grow to be, NOT the person I am not and will have to pretend to be (while providing unsatisfactory work to my employers, clients, etc.) until I get fired for not doing my job correctly because I'm not even really qualified for it. I will NEVER play a race, gender, religious discrimination card. So when you interview me, you'll get me. But I can promise, you'll like what you see. And you'll want to hire me. I'll earn that. And when you hire me, twenty years down the road, you'll wonder how you ever got along without me.
2. For any general readers: I'm considering making (yet another) blog. I need an outlet for one specific thing and I'm really really thinking it would be a great idea to blog about because I want other people's opinions. Problems? Nobody reads this thing so who's going to read and comment on my other one? How can I get opinions if people don't read it?

All I Know is I Have to Get Out

I never knew I would come to detest my sister, my own sister, so much. It's amazing. I mean, before we moved in together, I knew this was going to happen: I knew OMGS (he's been demoted to SuperEgo, an idea he gave me ever so conveniently) would be here or she would be gone all the time, no matter how concerned she SAID she was about me, it wouldn't matter after we moved in. It probably didn't matter before either, actually. But aside from all the horrible, stupid things they've done (like her sending him in here when they both knew I wasn't dressed), I knew they would be obnoxious. I guess, since I expected their behavior for the most part, that's why I didn't realize how I would react to it. I never dreamed I would come to...to almost hate them....so much. I don't even think it's almost. I think I really hate them, the least little bit. I mean, the sending him in when you both knew I wasn't dressed thing....THAT was the point of no return I think. I mean I don't want to be unforgiving for what would seem to normal people, I suppose, like a minor offense. But she KNEW it wasn't minor. And it was so stupid that I can't even begin to comprehend what they were thinking if it was anything other than malicious intent. I think that if that hadn't happened, maybe I could go on for the next four years and pretend they were jerks but it was ok. Maybe I'd invite him to come with her to my wedding and I would go to hers. Maybe we'd go to each other's  houses for holidays and babysit each other's children. Maybe, years down the road, we'd still be friends, we'd still be sisters. But we're not. They crossed the line. They more than crossed it. I can't ever pretend they didn't do that. I can't make myself get over it, forget about it, I can't even beg myself to forgive them. It's like my anger and resentment toward them, especially for that, are gearing me in a direction I don't want myself to go, but I don't have the steering wheel any more. And I don't think I care. I don't care if the relationship is a one way train ride to hell or if she has a miserable marriage because she's acting like an idiot. I don't care if he does horribly on all his English papers (because he write terribly) and flunks out of college and can't rent her a trailer to live in. I don't care if they have personal problems, academic problems, religious problems, whatever. I don't care. I just want to get away from them.