Monday, October 3, 2011

All I Know is I Have to Get Out

I never knew I would come to detest my sister, my own sister, so much. It's amazing. I mean, before we moved in together, I knew this was going to happen: I knew OMGS (he's been demoted to SuperEgo, an idea he gave me ever so conveniently) would be here or she would be gone all the time, no matter how concerned she SAID she was about me, it wouldn't matter after we moved in. It probably didn't matter before either, actually. But aside from all the horrible, stupid things they've done (like her sending him in here when they both knew I wasn't dressed), I knew they would be obnoxious. I guess, since I expected their behavior for the most part, that's why I didn't realize how I would react to it. I never dreamed I would come almost hate much. I don't even think it's almost. I think I really hate them, the least little bit. I mean, the sending him in when you both knew I wasn't dressed thing....THAT was the point of no return I think. I mean I don't want to be unforgiving for what would seem to normal people, I suppose, like a minor offense. But she KNEW it wasn't minor. And it was so stupid that I can't even begin to comprehend what they were thinking if it was anything other than malicious intent. I think that if that hadn't happened, maybe I could go on for the next four years and pretend they were jerks but it was ok. Maybe I'd invite him to come with her to my wedding and I would go to hers. Maybe we'd go to each other's  houses for holidays and babysit each other's children. Maybe, years down the road, we'd still be friends, we'd still be sisters. But we're not. They crossed the line. They more than crossed it. I can't ever pretend they didn't do that. I can't make myself get over it, forget about it, I can't even beg myself to forgive them. It's like my anger and resentment toward them, especially for that, are gearing me in a direction I don't want myself to go, but I don't have the steering wheel any more. And I don't think I care. I don't care if the relationship is a one way train ride to hell or if she has a miserable marriage because she's acting like an idiot. I don't care if he does horribly on all his English papers (because he write terribly) and flunks out of college and can't rent her a trailer to live in. I don't care if they have personal problems, academic problems, religious problems, whatever. I don't care. I just want to get away from them.

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