Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm Not Doing So Good

I'm kind of spiraling downward at this point. I think
I think I'm basically just waiting to die.
I can't sleep.
I can't stay awake.
I can't focus in class.
I can't focus at work.
I can't have normal relationships with ANYBODY.
I'm losing myself all over again.
But everytime I think about "getting help" I think of all those times I tried before.
It never worked. And the one time it did, I realized I was just another check mark.
Just another "fixed" job. Just another resume builder.
That's why I dropped social work you know.
I know they are people. They care about people. That's why they are counselors and social workers and junk.
But they care about PEOPLE. They don't care about A PERSON. They didn't care about me.
So I keep telling myself not to go downstairs and ask for help.
Because I can't bear them looking at me.
I don't want anyone to look at me.
I'm ugly.
And worthless.
I'm fat.
I'm not as smart as people think I am.
I'm not at all.
I'm not anything.
I'm not enough.
And I'm never gonna be.
I don't know who I am.
But I'm lost.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Too Much Honesty

Honestly? I've been avoiding posting like the black plague. I don't know what to say on my other blog, I have no answers, so I'm avoiding it. But I couldn't make myself post here either.
You wanna know my problem? Really?
My parents abandoned me. There.
And I am just waiting for every other person in my life to walk out.
LoverBoy and I had a bad night several months ago. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you what month it is because I was so out of it for so long after that. And that night plus that stupid bitch (the "mother") running out on me AGAIN, the way she did... I can't get past it. It makes it so hard to trust him. And its not his fault. He's given me no reason to not trust him. I just can't. I just keep waiting for something to happen, for him to cheat or leave or SOMETHING because she left again. And she hates me. My own mother, the woman who put in months of being fat and moody and hours of labor, she hates me. She loves my brother. She hates me.
And I can't get over it. I get distracted by it on a daily basis. I have dreams about her and her stupid husband. Bad ones. It makes me stay up late, makes me tired, makes me miserable. And I hate myself. Because she left because of me. Now, my brother doesn't see her. And she actually loved him, in her way. She doesn't see her own father (my grandfather who raised me) and I know he secretly blames me. I blame me. But I hate her.
I guess that's ok since she hates me back.
I hate her.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Things are Improving

So basically, I need to stop worrying so much.
LoverBoy and I worked some things out, talked about some stuff and everything is going to get better. We just need....well, I don't know but the thing is we Love each other too much to let each other go for nothing.
My classes are pretty awesome and I CAN make it from history to coms on time :) Booyah.
One of my profs seems....intense, but I think I can handle it. Plus, even though one of the courses I have with him kinda freaks me out, I have him for two others so I think it would be lame for me to drop it. And I think I can do it.
But things are getting better.
I'm having some trouble sleeping, but that gives me plenty of time to get my reading done :) I think I'm going to bail on one or two of my blogs though. Not this one, because it's really important to me. And not my "god" one because its even more important to me, but I think that I'm stretching myself pretty thin and I'm not giving enough attention to the other two. I'm going to think about it. But things are definitely getting better.
Oh and can anybody help me this: I need to write a poem. I know what I want to write, I have the phrases I want to use, I just don't know how I should do line breaks and structural things like that. So does anybody know anything about that sort of thing? I've never written a real poem before.
And I've decided I'm going to stop using page labels unless the post is a tutorial or something with a real topic.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Well, I'm Here

I was gonna say sorry for spending so much time talking about myself...but then I rememebered what I'm doing. Duh.

My tummy is in knots. I'm back. Now what do I do? I was ok when I got here, I cleaned my room, spent quite a while talking to B. about our breaks and now, I'm alone again. I think I'm going to throw up.
Wanna know my biggest anxiety so far?
Issues with LoverBoy.
Other than that?
What if I can't get to my COMS class on time? I have to walk all the way across campus in ten minutes. -_-'

And you know what I really want right now? The only thing I want that will make me feel better and everything will just be ok? For him to be here, holding my hand.

Friday, January 6, 2012

And it All Just Keeps on Keepin' On

I've got strep. I've also got tonsillitis. "LoverBoy", whatever, ditched me two nights in a row, then when we got sick I didn't see him yesterday, which is fine. Completely understandable. Today, he's all I'm too sick to drive so somebody's taking me to pick up the medicine (that I went to the doctor and got prescribed for him) and I'm going to bed. So I said "well do you need anything? I don't want you to be alone all day and I feel better so I can pick something up for you or come check on you" and of course not. Then all of a sudden, he's going to his sister's (which is stupid because he's contagious and she has a three year old daughter) and I'm thinking....? Last minute, though he drives over here cuz he cut his arm and wanted me to check it. But he can't drive. But he drove. I asked him the other day "When was the last time you missed me?" No answer. How nice. I'm so sick pof this. Maybe I just shouldn't make any time for him for a while. It's not like he wants to see me that often anyway so either he'll see that he's taking me for granted a bit or he'll be happier without me. I'm not talking about a break, I just mean ignoring the fuck out of him for a few days.
I know I'm being a negatron but holy crap, these last couple weeks, this year so far, it all sucks.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Suckiest Week Ever

So LoverBoy has ditched me eight nights in a row. Sucks. And I really feel like crap this week anyway because  the jerk biologicals were "run off" by me. I didn't get to spend New Years with him either and then because The Whore shows up, I have to leave. Well no, I don't like her and after what she did, I never will. But why on earth do you think it will make me feel better if you send me home so you can sit down and talk with her? This is not the way I wanted this year to start. I need something to change for me. Maybe I'll cut my hair. I already dyed it 50 shades darker.