Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Too Much Honesty

Honestly? I've been avoiding posting like the black plague. I don't know what to say on my other blog, I have no answers, so I'm avoiding it. But I couldn't make myself post here either.
You wanna know my problem? Really?
My parents abandoned me. There.
And I am just waiting for every other person in my life to walk out.
LoverBoy and I had a bad night several months ago. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you what month it is because I was so out of it for so long after that. And that night plus that stupid bitch (the "mother") running out on me AGAIN, the way she did... I can't get past it. It makes it so hard to trust him. And its not his fault. He's given me no reason to not trust him. I just can't. I just keep waiting for something to happen, for him to cheat or leave or SOMETHING because she left again. And she hates me. My own mother, the woman who put in months of being fat and moody and hours of labor, she hates me. She loves my brother. She hates me.
And I can't get over it. I get distracted by it on a daily basis. I have dreams about her and her stupid husband. Bad ones. It makes me stay up late, makes me tired, makes me miserable. And I hate myself. Because she left because of me. Now, my brother doesn't see her. And she actually loved him, in her way. She doesn't see her own father (my grandfather who raised me) and I know he secretly blames me. I blame me. But I hate her.
I guess that's ok since she hates me back.
I hate her.

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