Wednesday, September 7, 2011

We Face Things

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death...
So, I don't know if I already told you this, but I decided to stop ignoring Bugs. NOT because what they did was ok, because it WAS NOT. But I love her, and I won't let anybody's stupidity come between us (be it his, hers or even mine). So I told her so. I explained all that I just said to her. And what happens that night? Up comes O.M.G.S. and into the sack they go. Really? Like they couldn't wait fifteen minutes for me to go to work? Whatever. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this but one way or another, this is going to get dealt with.
But on another not, Love Boy came yesterday and it was so nice. It's days like yesterday when I can tell myself he Loves me and actually believe it. Other days, I let him say it. Because it makes him feel better for me to hear it. But...I just tell myself the truth on those days, after I go up to my room alone. But yesterday he came. We drove through the wind and the rain and got soaking wet and he brought me a pink plastic yard flamingo. I know you don't get it, but it's so sweet. 

Featherstone: "And I am PINK!"

But, as the name of the post dictates, there was another reason I had for writing. Lately (amazing since it's been only two weeks) I've been wondering if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, I love to learn. I love writing papers (yeah, I know...). I like college and I want the career path that I can get only with a degree. But I'm just so... I don't really know. I thought having Bugs here would make things better than they were last year, but... I'm still just so sad and scared and I feel like a failure all the time. It makes me wonder if maybe college just isn't for me. I mean, it's not that I haven't adjusted to life, I mean this is my second year here, I get it by now. I really don't; I really don't know what's wrong with me. It's not the depression. I know that much. I remember the depression and it wasn't this easy. My stomach is ALWAYS in nervous knots, I feel lonely and I just wish he would stay up here with me. I mean let's be honest: we started the counseling to prepare for the things we would face as a married couple; but do you want to know what I really think? Why I think we really decided to stop going? He's not going to marry me. He's not. The way he's acting lately only makes sense if you put it in that context: He is not going to marry me. I don't know what changed. I really don't. It was this all of a sudden thing and it just...changed but the thing is I don't even know what it was that changed.

And yet, even though its becoming more and more obvious to me that he isn't going to marry me, he comes to see me and spend time with me and gets me a pink plastic flamingo. I don't really understand that, but what choice do I have? "You can leave," you say. No. I can't. And I never would. Why would I walk away and leave my soul standing there looking at me? I don't care what anybody thinks in this front: I Love him. And nothing matters in comparison to that. So no, I would never even consider leaving. But I just wish I knew what was going on with him.

But over the last few days, I've seen us (myself, him, Bugs even O.M.G.S.) face some things that people just shouldn't have to. It seems like there should be some way to prevent the unfairness of things that people have to deal with. And don't give me that load of crap about how "Life isn't fair." No. It's not. That doesn't mean you play off the fact with the statement. Saying "Well, life's not fair." doesn't make you a better person for stating the truth to someone who doesn't need it at that moment. An 8 year old kid hasn't eaten in three days and you wanna say "Sorry, kid. Life ain't fair, maybe you'll get something to eat tomorrow." There are some things people just shouldn't have to face, but they do. Every day. Everyone is a hero for that. Hopefully, we all have someone to lean on and get a hug from in those times. I do...

...I will fear no evil, for You are with me.

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