We've Got Hawaii

So just a few random pointless updates (that's mostly because something happened today and I thought: "I'm going to blog about that tonight!" But then I forgot).
We got our dorm completely decorated. We have hula skirts, birds of paradise, Chinese lanterns, paintings, doodles, cork and white boards, lamps, bedspreads and random things up on the wall.
Sis, otherwise known as Bugs, has been trying to clean the room, specifically my side, and she KNOWS this is a futile attempt on her part. I keep telling her to stop it. I clean my dorm generally once a week and that's just how it is. I'm more concerned with more important things that the making of beds or the folding of shirts. It can wait.
O.M.G.S. has been here slightly less. Not a personal attack on him or anything, but thank goodness. I'm so freaking tired of not being able to wear what I want to and say and do what I want to in my own room simply because he's ALWAYS here. I finally abandoned the cause last night and went to the library to get some work done. I will not be doing this often. The library is no closer that his car. Go to his car to screw around. I told them that we could figure out a night or a few hours every week when I would not (HINT HINT PEOPLE) be in the room but of course: "No, you don't have to do that." "Fine. But you still DO have to stop screwing around while I'm in here. And he has to be here LESS." I'm going to see how this week goes and if next week, they are always here, I'm going to calmly explain to them that he has to be gone by this time every day of the week except one. When my lover boy comes up here, ONCE A WEEK (and acts like a gentleman...around them) then yes, he will be staying as late as he likes and as curfew allows. O.M.G.S. will also have that privilege ONCE A WEEK. IF he can act like a gentleman when I'm around and he stops being here ALL THE FREAKING TIME, then he can come over here as he pleases. All I'm saying is don't overstay your welcome (which you have), don't abuse your privileges (which you have), and don't act like a horn-dog while I'm trying to eat/sleep/read (which you have). And for goodness sake, if you want to wear skimpier clothes than you do at home, fine, but does your thong HAVE to show? What's that all about?
So basically, yes, I'm getting pretty irked with the living conditions right now, but because she's my sister, it will work out. It just might be a bumpy ride.
On the bright, sunshiny side of things: I bought an adorable new dress today, a jacket, a yoga shirt and some Danskin shorts. I'm comfortable and happy. :) I also got my refund check: FREAK. ING. YAY.  Another "also:" Lover Boy IS coming tomorrow. That makes me so happy I could cry! He'll also be here Saturday. And be forewarned: if O.M.G.S and Bugs do NOT give me some time alone with him (some actually completely innocent I missed you time) on Saturday night, I will feed them to Foamy the Squirrel and bury their bones in the flower gardens around campus. I miss him and I will have some innocent I miss you time with him. Period. But no matter what happens, I won't let anything ruin the time I get to spend with him. If it comes down to it, I'll simply kill them later. ;)
Bugs' (and my too) friend (who, stereo-typically, will be referred to as "JW") is staying with us tonight and, due to some recent developments in her life, is facing some church related conflicts. She's a Jehovah's Witness, so obviously, she's upset and (in my estimation, she seems weaker in her...."denomination" and confused) I got the chance to actually talk to her in the car, which was wonderful. It was so nice to finally have a religious conversation with her without constant obstinate answers pulled from the vast chasm of brainwashed youth. She was thinking for herself. I was thrilled. She may take a long time to reach; she may never accept truth at all. But she thought for herself and that's a seed! I myself, of course, am not trying to pull her into anything I don't know. I speculate about the many doctrinal errors there MUST be in my "denomination." If I were to find out that what I "know" to be true were not truth I would be forced to do two things: 1. I would despair that the God I know doesn't exist and I would not long for eternity and 2. I would change what I believe. You can't go think the flower is blue, have someone prove to you that the flower is red and then simply refuse to believe it out of stubbornness. Well...I suppose you could but what use would that be? So I am, myself, slowly finding truth. But I want TRUTH. Not "your truth and my truth" (because an elephant cannot be a mouse simply because you say it is true and I say it is not); nor do I desire truth that exists but cannot be found (all statements are false; well if they are then that statement is true, so it is false.). I simply know that there must be a god. There must be SOMETHING. And I believe, more in faith than knowledge (though knowledge abounds plentifully, I simply do not yet know it) that God is that "something." God, the Creator, the King, the Holy Spirit, the Christ, the Lover, the Lamb. I know Him as an intimate friend and no amount of knowledge will EVER exterminate our need for faith. We simply have to utilize faith everyday. Try as you may, no matter your religious, political, sexual, or whatever opinions, WE ALL HAVE ACTS OF FAITH EVERY SINGLE DAY. Therefore, faith cannot be disregarded as imagination or useless. It counts.
Point is: I know God is there. I know Him more and more each day. I want to know Him more than that. I want to always want to know Him more. I want to know Truth. He is the Truth. I want to know Him.

Bi-polar and Other Disorders I Discovered I Have

So I found out today that when I went to that jerk faced doctor a couple years ago, I was right! I was not making up that pain in my chest! I had NO NEED WHATSOEVER for the stupid pregnancy test he gave me! I was having (am still having...) panic attacks. SO THERE MEAN DOCTOR! I WAS NOT MAKING IT UP!  And the bi-polar thing, I'm not that, never thought I was, just is a good description of my day. I got to work out. Freaking yay! I missed the gym soooo much. So I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Let me tell you guy: screw losing weight and screw looking good when you're sweaty or whatever it is. Go to the gym and once you get the hang of it you will feel so much better every single day. I released SO MUCH stress and tension and bad feelings and anger and sadness. The gym is a wonderful thing people.
I'll tell you what I do miss though: my lover boy. I do.
I just want to, dare I say it, cuddle. I want to cuddle him to near death.
But I'll see him soon.
Oh, and NEVER call tech support for a problem. I did today. Big mistake. Tomorrow I shall provide links to all the Foamy the Squirrel Tech Support Cartoons and you shall love them!

Sex and Other Topics of Conversation

First of all (and ironically enough) I went to church with teach, sis and one man geek squad and as much as the latter two annoyed me with their constant talking, I enjoyed it. It was nice to be a part of community. Especially a part of one that doesn't insist on acting like I'm less important than she is even though I do twice as much. But whatever. The best thing about it, however, was not their innocence but the fact that it was completely Biblical based. The man said nothing that I could not see right before my very eyes right as he was saying it. It was wonderful and full of truth and everyone was very nice and I'm going back tonight.
In other news, my sister/roommate and her one man geek squad boyfriend are pissing me off. Excuse my language please I beg you but I want to just turn around and say "You. Shut the fuck up and if you can't stop screwing around then get a hotel room or go sit in your car but stop screwing around on our closet and playing your obnoxiously played music at night and keeping me awake as if the sound of your computer speakers will cover the sounds of your pathetic sex life. Shut. The fuck. Up. And stop freaking coming in here every day. I get that you don't want to be at home all the time but guess what neither did we so you wanna know what we did? We worked our tails off and got enough money to freaking live on campus and if you would get out of your freaking parents' house then that would solve everybody's problems: you could both go screw off in your room."
Seriously, I profusely apologize for the horrible dirty language but oh my gosh they are so annoying. I'm seriously contemplating killing them and burying them in the flower beds outside. Ok not really but holy freaking crap.
Is this addressed anywhere in The Naked Roommate? I'm not reading that whole thing for this because honestly, it won't shut these two up. They apparently argued with another couple (that they're friends with) because sis and O.M.G.S. thought they were too annoying with the all over each other puppy love. I was like......yaaaaaaah.
Now he's just finished reorganizing her side of the room (that is, after they actually got off the freaking bed. Did I mention it was like 3 PM?!) and he says "I can do your side if you like." First of all, that is OUR desk, not HER desk or YOUR desk and if you messed something up I am going to change it and second of all BAD WORD NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TOUCHING MY STUFF. You already unplugged my alarm clock for goodness knows WHAT reason and you brought your stinking TV the other day. And the music I'm trying to play to drown out the sound of them talking keeps stopping because our internet is being a crack head.

I'm trying not to be a hypocritical jerk by saying bad words about them and then talking about how I'm happy to be able to go to church. And I know that I am. But I dare you to spend as much time with them as I have the last few days. And don't a single one of you mothercussers say "Well just go somewhere else, you don't have to be in there." OK IT'S MY ROOM TOO AND I HAVE JUST AS MUCH OF A RIGHT TO BE IN HERE AS SHE DOES AND MUCH MORE SO THAN HE DOES. ITS MY ROOM, ITS MY FREAKING PLACE OF REFUGE AND SHELTER AND THEY ARE TURNING IT INTO AN ANNOYING WHORE HOUSE AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED CLASSES YET!!

I'm going to try to amuse myself....possibly by being a jackwagon and reorganizing the desk back to the way we had it before genius over here decided to screw around not with just her stuff but with my stuff too.

Pyromania

First off thanks to B. for introducing me to this song. It's on my "when I get pissed, I like to listen to these" playlist.

So basically, I don't know what's going on with me. And if any of you mothercussers say puberty, I'll hunt you down and feed you to Foamy the Squirrel. Seriously, I will. I will sacrifice you to the Foamy Cult.
When I was a freshmen in high school, I had this History class and one whole wall of the room was windows. I got A's on everything and my teacher loved me. The problem was, I was the most inattentive student he'd EVER had. I was past the doom and gloom early stages of depression and rushing head on into suicide contemplation on a daily basis. This was WAY before I was actually brave enough to tackle an attempt. But back to the windows. Before my teacher realized I would probably pay more attention if the blinds were down, I looked out those windows every day. Out in the distance, past the building, the school yard and that stinking road, there were so many trees. And no matter how hard I tried to look away and pay attention in class, I couldn't. I couldn't because every time I looked out those windows I saw myself, falling from the tops of every single tree. I would see myself on a limb, cowering at the height, then I would stand up straight and throw my arms out to my sides like I was being crucified and I would let myself fall backwards. I could see myself, from the classroom, just slowly falling through the air and I would pray that there was someone out there, under that tree, who could catch me. Who would catch me.
I looked out my dorm window today. I looked past the campus buildings and the water tower, and past the trees too, this time. I saw the fuzzy blue green outline of forest on the horizon and, again, I saw myself. I saw myself standing on the water tower and I was proud. I was strong. I was invincible and unafraid. And I saw myself in the air, over the horizon of trees, flying away. I was going where I wanted to. It was undisputed freedom. I can imagine that perhaps I flipped off a few people as I flew. It's not about what kind of day I've had. As far as that goes, my mood and circumstances certainly haven't been the best, though not the worst either.
I don't want to go back to the person I was in high school. And I certainly don't want to go back to the docile, doe-eyed moron I was before high school. But this girl, this girl who seems to be taking me over. I don't know her. She freaks me out. She's angry and rebellious and let me tell you, she loves to cuss people out. I hate her. I love her. She's free. But I won't let her out. I'm not so much worried about what people think as I am about this: Do I WANT to be this chic? Do I really? Am I willing to sacrifice who I think I might be right now for who I might be if I just let myself act the way she wants me to? I know it sounds like I have a split personality disorder but that's not what I mean... I'm sane, I'm just changing. And I don't know if I like it.
Take this moment for example.
What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, straightening up, preparing for class Monday and trying to avoid the jerk in my neighbors room. I'm verifying my feelings by listening to angry music and allowing myself the luxury of a cuss word about every 15 minutes. I also ate all of our chocolate cookies.
Want to know what I think I'd like to do? And the way I'd like to describe what I'd like to do? I'm putting this in quotes because its almost like I'm not even the one speaking anymore. Here goes: "I wanna get the hell out of here and go act like a diva or something. I wanna just get out of this stinking room and relish in the fact that I'm alone today and act like I own the f-ing world and all you jerks in it. I want to put on something sexy and walk outside and flip people the bird and maybe try a cigarette just for the hell of it and put my angry music on my ipod and listen to it all afternoon. I want to go hang a hammock in a tree on the quad and sing loudly and piss off all the people who hate my guts because dammit I hate their guts too!"
You see what I mean?? That is not me! I want that to be me and if I would just chill and let myself loosen up, that would be me. But I'm afraid to act like that. I'm afraid to lose my quiet, nice, smart self just because I'm mad or whatever I am. I'm afraid to grieve God. I'm not even afraid of that I just don't want to do it. I Love Him. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't have my life together, but I don't want to make it worse!
I wish I had wings.
And for those of you with an angry, rebellious streak, here's B.'s awesome song that he gave me. Enjoy.
Pyromania
And for those of you with angry, rebellious streaks, here are some songs on the list:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times already, but what the hell right?
Uncut Version, Just FYI
And just for the pure funny-ness of it: The "Happy" Song

Squishy Window Stickers

Sometimes, I just want to be transparent so then at least someone, ANYONE, will understand me. But then I ask myself, so why don't you, if you need that so much? Well I just realized this morning that if I do that, then people (a few people in particular and one person in ''more'' particular) might not care. When no one knows what I'm feeling, I can chalk up the fact that no one seems to care to the fact that they simply may not know. If they know but don't care...I'm not strong enough for that.
I never realized that I was so fragile. I feel like a tiny porcelain doll, sitting on the edge of a shelf.
What if I fall?
I've been through a lot of things, a bad word of a lot. I've been abandoned by my biological parents over and over and over again. I've been hurt, physically and emotionally. I looked depression in the face and threw dirt in his eyes. He's chasing after me still but he's not the ball and chain he used to be. I can, GENERALLY, fend him off with a stick. Through all that and more, I developed a strength. I'm strong! I am.
Aren't I? Or do I repress more than I think I do? I just don't understand this feeling... I don't know how to handle being so fragile, so breakable. Is it safe for me to go outside and face ANYTHING? What's my limit? I could handle anything a year ago. I could look it in the face and if I needed to hide later, I could, under my covers or in my closet like a small child.
Maybe I've been this way all along and I just didn't know. I've cried so often. I cry at the slightest thing. Its like my triggers aren't even the triggers anymore, rather, things that simply REMIND me of the triggers set me off. How can I face the world like this? It's no longer just my chronic anxiety; this is full-scale break-ability. I have no idea what to do with it.
All that made me think of the squishy window stickers on my dorm window. They are transparent, so the light shines through, but they are tinted all these beautiful colors and no matter which way you look at them, even though you can see through them, you look AT THEM, not through them and you want to keep looking at them because they're beautiful. I wish I was a window sticker. If they fall off the pane, they don't break.

Unorganized, Nonconstructive CHAOS

So we sallied up and moved in and it has been war, WAR I TELL YOU, all day long. wow. sigh. This place is a mess and I've only been here a few hours but it will be ok. We'll clean later. After we decorate. In a way I'm glad to be back. In a way I'm so dreading that fact that my tummy is in knots. Lover boy helped me move in and get semi-situated and calm and then went off to work and sis and her one man geek squad went to ration supplies. Ok he's not ALWAYS a one man geek squad. We just have issues. And one of my issues is when he walks past the car without saying anything, drives away and come to find out he's parked across the street from the building and I had to walk the entire way and guess what I'm carrying? TWO DUFFEL BAGS. And guess what he's carrying? A TEDDY BEAR, A BEAN BAG, AND A CORK BOARD. And I could have killed him if I'd had laser beam vision. But whatever. I'm over it now cuz he parked my car for me. So yah. Now I've practically given up trying to straighten/clean/decorate/move in since it seems to be a futile effort and I have til Monday anyway. I think I might take a nap.

Still Wishing I had Tulips, But at least I'm Losing my Bleeding Heart

Bad puns, I know. But I love my craptastic puns. So me and my teacher and her husband made fried green tomatoes and baked tomatoes and squash and we've been boiling some peanuts for about 4 hours now... But they are gonna be GOOD when they are done. Hooray for Mr. R!! :)
So, me and my guy didn't see each other today but we talked a little throughout the day and it was nice. It was reassuring. I think my boss knows that something is up with me; he had a PR meeting today that he didn't go to. I don't know how he knows but he knows I don't like to be alone. I remember one week he had to be gone all week and I was in the office by myself every day and that's ok it's just a few hours a day and I can handle most stuff that comes in by myself but I guess he just knew that wasn't a great week for me. It was like he even felt BAD that he'd had to leave me alone for a little while. Its funny. I mean I can handle a few hours a day sitting in the office, so I don't know why he felt that way but he seemed to be really sorry about it. But anyway he didn't go to his PR meeting (which would have lasted from 9 til like 4:30).
I think I did really well the few times people came in when he wasn't there. I was social and cheery and made conversation, which is great for our PR but just weird for me; I hate being alone but I'm about as social-butterfly-ish as a worm. Not a caterpillar, a worm. By the way, did you know a caterpillar has 228 separate muscles just in its head? Don't even ask me why I know that. But now if you're ever on jeopardy, maybe that will your million dollar question and you'll get it right. :)
And now, while we're waiting two more hours on the boiled peanuts, we're watching Anger Management. Let me warn you, if your having a boiled peanuts craving, just buy a can if the produce stand isn't open.
I should change the name of this post to "I still don't have my tulips and I don't have peanuts either." But I can't because if I do then my crappy puns will make even less sense.