I'm Not Doing So Good

So...
I'm kind of spiraling downward at this point. I think
I think I'm basically just waiting to die.
I can't sleep.
I can't stay awake.
I can't focus in class.
I can't focus at work.
I can't have normal relationships with ANYBODY.
I'm losing myself all over again.
But everytime I think about "getting help" I think of all those times I tried before.
It never worked. And the one time it did, I realized I was just another check mark.
Just another "fixed" job. Just another resume builder.
That's why I dropped social work you know.
I know they are people. They care about people. That's why they are counselors and social workers and junk.
But they care about PEOPLE. They don't care about A PERSON. They didn't care about me.
So I keep telling myself not to go downstairs and ask for help.
Because I can't bear them looking at me.
I don't want anyone to look at me.
I'm ugly.
And worthless.
I'm fat.
I'm not as smart as people think I am.
I'm not at all.
I'm not anything.
I'm not enough.
And I'm never gonna be.
I don't know who I am.
But I'm lost.