Saturday, August 25, 2012

All Moved In

I'm fine with it now but class starts Monday and I'm already stressed about that but somebody liked the joke I wrote on my whiteboard outside my door. So that made me feel good. Wanna hear it? (Hindu's, you might not be amused)....
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Blowing in Holes in Smoke

I'm....bored....with life. It's pointless.
What do we do?
We wake up, go to work, sit in a desk, go home, eat, go to sleep.
Oh! The weekend! We wake up, go watch TV, eat, go to sleep.
We "relax." We have "fun days" that we spend buying things, clothes, make-up, furniture, which we use to "decorate" things. Our houses, our kids, ourselves. Maybe we go to a movie or a zoo, we watch other things do things, or we watch other things eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. We do this for seventy years then we die.
Wow. Life is amazing, huh?

Am I the only person who isn't content with this? Is there ANYBODY out there who wants more from being alive?
But honestly, what more is there?
I'm just fucking bored.
Bored isn't a great word, but it's the best I got.
Even with God (if you go for that bit), what's the best he does to spice things up? Send you somewhere hot where you just talk more about him then the average person. At most, you go to jail, get tortured and die early. Not exactly what I'm aiming for here.
God doesn't change this boring existence very much, if at all.

The reason I put this little thought bomb on this blog instead of my other one is because it's just one more thing that I'm looking for answers to that I can't find.

I'm bored with the ways of this life, but what else is there to even search for?

If you're out there, say something. Tell me I'm not the only person who just wants more than this.

A Hiding Day

But there's nowhere, really, to hide from anything.
I'm starting to hate her all over again. Because everything I ever wanted, worked for, cried over, is being placed in front of me and just handed to someone else, someone who hasn't worked for it, who doesn't even really care, who takes it all for granted.
And I feel helpless over it. And I hate that.

Monday, August 20, 2012

I'm Back...

Ok, no I haven't forgotten about this thing. In fact, I've thought about it practically every day and then I get kind of angry and decide I don't want to do it. I don't know why but I just really have been avoiding this. I made myself write in my other one though so I think it's about time I wrote in this one. That's what its here for.
Basically, I want to go back to Belize. That kind of ticks me off. I mean I was there for ten days. I didn't really meet anybody who hasn't been involved with the church in some way (although, let me tell you, that doesn't make them perfect). I mean what right do I have to miss a place that I have no real connection with? None. But it's like there is this connection. And it makes me mad. It's silly that I feel this way so I'm mad and it's silly that I'm mad too so I don't know.
Obviously, it's not just the place I miss. But I don't want to talk about that either. That's even more stupid. And you know what's terribly ironic?! This...thing that I miss so much is exactly the thing I prayed for so fervently before... well before a lot of stuff. And then there you go! And now, not only am I not in the position to have it, I'm not even good enough to take it if I could. I can't decide if it's cruel to set something like that in front of me or if its supposed to be an encouragement.
Regardless, that's how I feel about that. I want to go back with all my might. I want to go back. I want to be there. It's not that I don't want to be here... I mean I don't particularly want to be here. The politics there are crazy but to me, it''s like that's the place I've been dreaming of all this time. I'd miss PEOPLE here, but nothing else. I wouldn't miss the weather, I wouldn't miss escalators or shopping malls or places like Disney Land. But I miss Belize.

Other than that insanity, my family is another fall apart session. When "the girl" bailed out on all of us, it's not that she was so crucial to our family; it's just that it made sides and now a certain other member of our family feels like they should take hers. But the thing is, I don't have a side, I never made anyone choose. But this certain member has always been...a problem and now it's just getting worse and another member, instead of acting like a husband AND a father, is just acting like an idiot and my mother, is of course, not helping herself by her behavior. In short, it's just a mess. But yah, that's what I've been avoiding. So there you go.